


What Happens in Vegas

by Petalene



Series: What Happens in Vegas [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: AnderBros, Humor, M/M, Romance, Spanking, bitchy kurbastian friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2018-12-21 16:11:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 58,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petalene/pseuds/Petalene
Summary: Kurt's weekend trip to visit Las Vegas is the perfect chance to have some fun. Sure, he's there for a work convention, but he'll have a little time to take in the sights, see a show, and maybe pull a few slot machines. Instead, he crashes a party where he meets Blaine, the man of his dreams. Now everyone thinks the two of them are engaged and should get married right away. But Kurt's not worried about all the crazy, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.Unless, of course, there are pictures.This is a Klaine story rated explicit for later chapters.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I'm adding a short story to this verse. While reading the posted chapters to double check a few things, I caught a couple of minor mistakes and have fixed them. I should also add, I don't speak French so hopefully google didn't let me down too much.

"Hey, Sexy. Can I buy you a drink?"

Kurt looks up to see Sebastian Smythe smiling hopefully at him. With a long suffering sigh, Kurt says, "I'm not in the mood for this. You probably don't care, but you're the third person to ask if they can buy me a drink in the last twenty minutes."

"Really? Well, that sounds like a challenge. Three times a charm and all that."

"You aren't charming. You're annoying. I told the last guy I'm married and he finally fucked off." Actually, Andrew said that he didn't mind sharing, but why offer up that little tidbit?

"Lier," Sebastian says confidently, "I'm so charming." 

"Not once you open your mouth." Sebastian is tall and good looking with surprisingly great hair. And if he'd quit dressing like a tacky frat boy, he'd be tolerably attractive. "And put your collar down. I can't talk to you when you're offending my sense of ascetics."

Kurt wants to bang his head against the table. It's day two of the writer's convention at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. The classes are useless and Kurt isn't sure how to explain to his boss, Isabelle, that she wasted Vogue Dot Com's money by sending an intern to this hot mess. 

The most useful thing to happen, so far, involved advancing thirty-seven levels in Candy Crush while pretending to take notes. He doubts Vogue will view this as an efficient use of his time. 

Now, everything is annoying Kurt. The restaurant is dimly lit, which is making him sleepy. It's crowded and one side is completely open to the casino so the sounds of the slot machines and the smell of cigarettes drift to where he sits.

Instead of enjoying his drink and reading on his phone, Kurt spent most of the time he'd been at the restaurant deflecting offers for drinks and sex from stupid jerks who think they should be able to have a little fun on their weekend away. Whoever came up with the catchphrase "What happens in Vegas" should get taken outside and shot at dawn. Repeatedly. 

Kurt can't know for certain, but fucking Andrew, who'd hit on him with the most persistence, sported a telltale indention on his left-hand ring finger. Kurt feels like Sherlock Holmes. He doesn't want to be somebody's dirty little secret from their vacation to Sin City. Why can't he get asked out by nice guys? Kurt glances down at his outfit, maroon button up, tan skinny jeans, and black knee high boots. He's worn this ensemble before, and it's never made him a jerk magnet.

Sebastian rolls his eyes and smooths down his collar. "I don't see a ring. Surely, if you're married, he likes it enough to put a ring on it."

Kurt groans at the bad joke. "I'm not wearing a ring," he says through gritted teeth. 

"Great, that means you can marry me and I'll take you to Venice for our honeymoon. We can be tacky tourists and go on a gondola ride. It's supposed to bring you luck in love if you kiss under the Ponte dei Sospiri bridge."

"You do realize that Ponte dei Sospiri is Italian for the Bridge of Sighs so you called it the Bridge of Sighs bridge. Besides, I'm pretty sure you'd rather have one of your fingers removed than be in love. But sure, take me to Europe to wine and dine me. I have a show Wednesday, so it'll have to be a super short trip."

"Hey, I speak enough Italian to get laid and order alcohol. You know, the important stuff. Besides, the Venetian is right over there," Sebastian says, waving his hand in what could be any direction.

"Go away," Kurt growls.

Concern crosses Sebastian's face. "What's wrong? Shrieky Spice texted me that you wished for a way to tell twenty million assholes to go fuck themselves with large, sharp objects. Especially that bag of dicks, Andrew."

"That jerk won't take no for an answer. He started following me around after the first class today. I lied and told him I'm married. That didn't seem to bother him. I gave serious consideration to stabbing him with a pencil, but I can't get arrested for assault. I have a too much to do, rehearsals for the new show start next week."

"Which one is Andrew? You point him out to me and I'll rearrange his face. Thank me with a blow job."

"Yuck. Don't be crass." It's times like these Kurt almost wishes he could be straight, or at least bi. Why can't he fall in love with his best girlfriend and they can get married and have babies and live happily ever after? 

Because Rachel's a girl and has a vagina. And she's dating his brother, Finn. Again. Possibly. He hadn't spoken to Rachel for a week or two, except for a few texts he's sent complaining about how much fun he's not having in Vegas. For all he knows they've broken up for the umpteenth time.

"I've got the perfect solution for all your problems," Sebastian says with a wink. He turns his charming smile towards the lady at the table next to Kurt. "Can you take some pictures for me?" She nods, taking the phone from him.

Then Sebastian does the last thing Kurt would ever expect. He gets down on one knee, holding his hand out with a silver ring in the palm. It might be white gold, but it doesn't quite look like metal. 

Several people gasp and someone says, "It's so romantic!"

Getting engaged in a smoky casino restaurant with a bunch of gawking strangers isn't romantic. Where are the flowers? The declaration of love? The diamonds?

"Kurt Hummel, I love you. My life would be boring without you. Who else could snark at me with such intensity?"

People are outright staring. Someone holds up a phone and appears to be taking pictures. Lovely. His frowning face will be on YouTube within minutes if not seconds. Heat floods Kurt's cheeks. 

Sebastian maintains a calm expression. "I can’t imagine my life without you and I don't want to. Will you marry me?"

Everyone is watching intently now, waitstaff included. Kurt hates being embarrassed, and this is so embarrassing. "I am going to kick you in the face," Kurt says under his breath. "So hard."

"I asked your dad for permission and of course he said yes," Sebastian continues in a loud voice. "We've had a home together for three years and it's time to stop living in sin."

"As roommates, not boyfriends," Kurt says under his breath. His eyes narrow. "Jeu sur." (Game. On.) 

The corners of Sebastian's mouth twitch. "Vous allez perdre." (You'll lose.)

They only start speaking French when they are trying to keep secrets or someone is angry. 

"Oh my God," Kurt squeals. "I can't believe it!" Sebastian lets out a soft gasp and Kurt knows he's surprising his friend.

"Come on, baby. Don't leave me hanging. Say yes." Sebastian sticks his lower lip out.

"Baby?" Kurt says flatly. That does it. There’s only one way to put an end to this. ”My smirky meerkat, I love you, too. Of course, I'll marry you."

"You said yes," Sebastian says softly. Then louder, "Everyone! He said yes."

The entire restaurant breaks out into applause. People walking through the casino cheer. Kurt pulls Sebastian up into a brief stage kiss for their audience. "If you try and grope me to sell this, I will punch you in the face."

"For a pacifist, you're really violent," Sebastian whispers before saying "I love you too, princess."

"We're getting married!"

More cheers.

Sebastian smiles. "This way, you'll have a ring on and you can tell everyone that you're engaged. Then you can kick them in the crotch if they won't take no for an answer."

"I can kick people in the crotch, anyway. I'm going to put gray permanent dye in your shampoo," Kurt whispers.

"Sure you are. Don't worry, I'll get even. But I won't mess with your hair. You'd stab me with a sai sword."

"I'd never risk damaging my sai swords by cutting a bitch."

Sebastian beams. "See, I know you love me."

People around them continue clapping and cheering as Sebastian slides the ring on Kurt's finger. It's rubbery and stretches when it catches on his knuckle.

"Thanks," Sebastian says to the lady who took pictures. "You helped me make this memorable."

"Can I get your email?" The woman asks. "My boyfriend took video and I'll send it to you."

"Send it to me instead, please. This idiot will delete it accidentally." Kurt rattles off his email.

"Perfect. Some day we'll show our grandkids this magic moment," Sebastian says. 

Grandkids? A shudder ripples through Kurt. "I'm not ready for kids yet." He doesn't want the responsibility of a pet, the thought of kids makes him want to break out in hives. Maybe with the right person. 

Sebastian should have taken up acting instead of studying law. He's so convincing. 

A girl who looks like she's twelve, but is probably an adult, says, "He's hot, good for you."

"Sure, whatever." Kurt leaves a tip on the table, grabs his scarf, and exits the restaurant, knowing his fake fiancé will follow. 

As soon as they move around the corner and out of sight from the restaurant, Kurt whirls on Sebastian. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Young Barbara texted that you couldn't handle getting hit on and needed a big strong man to save you from all the sex sharks."

"Rachel did not." Kurt crosses his arms over his chest. If she did, he's not going to speak to her for the next three months. No, three years. 

"Fine," Sebastian says with exasperation. "Suck all the drama out of the story. You texted Rachel that you were having trouble with an asshole who keeps bugging you. She said that if you wear an engagement ring, then most guys won't hit on you. If they do anyway, then they're jerks and you should tell them to go pee up a tree - her words, not mine. Or you can get laid and stop being such a bitch - my words. Take your pick."

"I don't know how Finn puts up with her."

"Your step-brother is stupid."

"Brother," Kurt reminds Sebastian for the two thousand, three hundred and fifty-first time. His dad and Carol have been married long enough that everyone dropped the step part. Except for Sebastian. "And don't call him stupid."

"Anyway, here." Sebastian holds out a small plastic bag with two rings in it, one a darker silver than the one on his finger and the other is a metallic pink.

Kurt pokes at his ring. "What are these made out of?"

"Silicon, I think. The rings came in a three pack and I'm sure as shit not wearing one. Look, I thought it would be more fun to give you the ring that way. We are *not* engaged."

"Oh, but we are," Kurt says, his voice sticky sweet. "You asked, and I said yes, so next time we got to Stud, I'm wearing this," he holds up his hand and wiggles his fingers, "and telling everyone you are no longer available for fucking around."

Sebastian's jaw drops. "Princess, you wouldn't dare."

Kurt nods his head. Stud is the club that best meets Sebastian's requirements for a good time. He can get to it on the subway, it's big enough that he doesn't have to fuck the same guy twice, and the drinks are reasonably priced. Not that Sebastian usually has to buy his own drinks. He goes at least twice a week, Kurt maybe once or twice a month. It's the place Sebastian meets most of his hook ups and it would cramp his style if everyone thinks he's engaged or married.

"We've been friends since high school," Kurt says with a smile, "and everyone says we act like we're dating despite my insistence we're gay best friends forever. Everyone will say they saw this coming. Including my dad."

Sebastian doesn't want to piss off Burt Hummel and Kurt knows it. They've been friends since sophomore year of high school and Kurt's dad caught them cuddling more than a few times. Burt nearly blew a gasket when he found them in Kurt's bed. It wouldn't have been so bad, except Ohio summers necessitate minimal clothes and they were both sleeping in boxers. Kurt knows the threats of bodily harm were empty. Sebastian still doesn't seem completely convinced. 

"Fuck you so very much."

"We don't fuck, dumbass."

"My ass is not dumb, it gets me laid anytime I want."

"Thank you for the ring, I'll let you know if it works." Kurt sticks the bag in his pocket.

Sebastian holds out a piece of paper. "There's some big to do at the Hard Rock tonight. I got us tickets." 

Kurt takes one of the tickets. "AVN awards. Never heard of it."

"Me either and who fucking cares? It's a party. Isabelle sent you here, and the conference is less than worthless. You've been complaining non-stop since the first class got out yesterday. Do something fun and you can write about that instead. I've got it. Write about the fashions at the AVNs. Perfect. Then Isabelle won't be all, 'you suck for wasting Vogue's money, princess,' and then you can be your usual bitchy self instead of sad and mopey."

"Isabelle doesn't talk like that and you're the only one who calls me princess and is still breathing."

"Because I'm special."

"You're something all right. I'll think about it, okay? I want to see the volcano at the Mirage."

Holding out one hand palm up, Sebastian says, "Fake volcano," he holds the other one out, "Party at the Hard Rock." He moves one up and one down and then switches several times, like he's weighing something in his hands, ending with the "party" hand higher up. "Party at the Hard Rock wins."

"I have a class tomorrow."

"A stupid class on blogging. Twenty bucks says it's on click bait titles and has no useful information on actual content."

"So if the class sucks, I have to sit through it and be out twenty bucks, don't think so."

"It's noon to two. You can sleep in and sober up. Do you actually think anyone would notice if you slept through it?"

"That's not the point. I'm going to the Mirage. I might catch up with you later." Kurt pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and sticks ticket next to the twenty dollar bill with a blue smiley face over Andrew Jackson's. His friend, Elliot, said it's good luck and if Kurt hits a jackpot with that specific bill, he needs to share the winnings. 

"Why'd you invite me to Vegas if you didn't want to do anything fun?" Sebastian whines.

"What's wrong with you? I told you three months ago that Vogue was sending me to Las Vegas for a conference and then you bought your own plane ticket and you didn't ask before switching my room from a king to two queens."

"Honey, the only queen in our room is you."

"Asshole. You know I just broke up with Adam."

"That was months ago, and you split because it was boring. If you're going to be boring all the time, you should have stayed together."

"That wasn't why I ended things and you know it." Adam is a nice guy and he's cute and has an accent. But something was missing that Kurt couldn't put his finger on. When Adam started to bring up marriage as a "let's discuss getting engaged soon" talk instead of in a "let's fantasize about someday" kind of way, Kurt panicked and ended it. Adam will make some lucky guy a wonderful husband, but it won't be him.

Kurt needs to get off this topic. "Drop it, okay?"

"Party or volcano?" Sebastian asks.

"I can go to parties in New York," Kurt says firmly. "I want to see the volcano."

Sebastian shakes his head in disappointment. "Fine. Go see the fake fucking volcano. You're no fun."

xoxoxoxoxo

Since it's his first trip to Las Vegas, Kurt wants to do something touristy. Fuck his stupid friend and fuck stupid parties. Besides, he promised his dad he would take some pictures of the volcano. His parents went to Vegas for their honeymoon. He remembers his mom talking about how real the volcano appears and that she could even feel the heat from the sidewalk.

And he should gamble at least once. What he needs to do is find a casino that he can walk in, put a dollar in the machine, pull the arm once, and leave without it turning into an ordeal. He walked through several of the game rooms at Caesar's Palace while looking for the shops. As best he could tell, without getting too nosey, you need to get a card and put money on it to play any of the games, including the slots. Swiping a card just isn't the same experience as using actual money. 

Kurt wanders inside a building when he hears Lady Gaga singing about how she's caught in a bad romance. It's a bar with several slot machines along the back wall which take dollar bills.

The slot machine turns out to be as pointless as he'd suspected. Kurt doesn't win anything. Which is what he anticipated, but it's still boring. At least he can say he did it. Why is this supposed to be fun? If he wants to play more slots, he'll download an app and play on his phone. All the same enjoyment, none of the expense.

Besides, so far all he has to show for his two days in Las Vegas are pictures and video of Sebastian fucking Smythe proposing because he's an asshat. He doesn't even want to imagine how his dad would react.

Maybe, he does. His dad would sputter, "You told me you're just friends. I asked you, repeatedly, if you were dating Sebastian before you moved in together and you told me every single time that you're just friends. I like Sebastian, but I'll go after him with a flamethrower to make sure he keeps his damn hands to himself."

"We lived together before we got married," Carol would say.

"But my little boy!"

"You little boy is an adult and lives in New York City."

"Yeah," Finn would add. "Would you rather have Kurt sleep with strangers or Sebastian?"

And then dad would turn bright red and mutter a bunch of euphemisms instead of saying the words "gay sex." 

As he leaves the bar, Kurt checks his phone. He'd better hurry if he wants to get the Mirage on time. 

The Strip kind of reminds him of Broadway - larger than life and it lights up the night. Everything sparkles with neon and flashing lights in every color of the rainbow. Pictures of performers several stories high adorn the outside of several casinos - Celine Dion, Elton John, and Donnie and Marie. Kurt wrinkles his nose. Why why why would you see Donnie and Marie if Celine is in town? Probably the cost. And there's no accounting for some people's taste.

Kurt hadn't realized the street would be so crowded. People are everywhere. In addition to the tourists, dozens of people dressed as superheroes and cartoon characters take pictures with tourists for money. Kurt doesn't personally see the appeal. If you want a picture with someone who looks like Elsa, go to Disneyland.

A short, bald guy in a bright orange shirt with the silhouette of a naked lady bending over hands Kurt a business card. He takes it and keeps walking, assuming it's an ad for a bar or a show. When he gets a few steps away, he glances down and sees mostly naked girls dancing around a stripper pole. What the hell? Strangers can usually tell he's gay from a mile away, sometimes two.

Kurt collects several more cards with pictures he doesn't want to look at. He can always give them to his brother. It might piss off Rachel if she finds them, but he's not happy with her for telling Sebastian about his bad mood. Too fucking bad for her if she doesn't like it. 

The crowd increases as Kurt weaves his way towards the Mirage. Everyone clusters on the sidewalk, standing next to the fence separating them from the rectangle of water in front of the large rock structure. The lights dim, music begins playing, and tall jets of water colored with red and orange spotlights to make it look like lave shoot into the air. Bursts of fire ignite from the center of the volcano and from spouts in the middle of the lake. This is the sort of show you see at Disneyland - carefully constructed to appear real while being completely fake.

Kurt takes several pictures of the erupting volcano and then turns to take a selfie with it. 

His mom was right. Even from the sidewalk with a large group of people standing between him and the show, heat still reaches his skin and warms his face. After about four minutes, an enormous spurt of lava erupts and the music fades as the lights go up. Everyone claps and cheers.

When the last spurt of water lands, the crowd disperses almost immediately. Kurt wonders where everyone else wants to go such a hurry. Probably the overwhelming desire to stick more money in slot machines so they can watch the symbols spin until they get notified they've lost. 

Kurt wanders in the general direction of the casino he’s staying at for lack of anywhere else to go. He feels the ring with his thumb, wondering what it would be like to get engaged for real. His dad would be excited, and embarrassed about the gay sex but he'd hug Kurt and tell him how happy his mom would be that he's found the love of his life.

Kurt could go shopping. Kurt could gamble. Kurt could be super boring and go back to The Cosmopolitan, alone, and go to sleep

Just after seven on a Saturday night is not the time to look for tickets to a show. He wonders if Rocky Horror is playing this week. There's a Las Vegas cast, but he knows they don't perform every Saturday. Rocky would be more fun than Sebastian's party.

Further down the sidewalk, a busty woman in a skimpy police officer outfit pretends to arrest a tourist for a picture. The guy taking the picture and the guy getting his picture taken are both ecstatic. Now that makes an interesting story.

"I'm young, I'm hot, and I'm single," Kurt says. "I should do something fun." Or at least get a picture so it looks like he did something fun.

"You get down," a voice says in a southern drawl. An Elvis impersonator in a sequin jumpsuit complete with a cape strikes a pose, swivels his hips a few times and poses again. "You get down with your bad self and preach."

Kurt smiles. It's so cliche to say Elvis gave him advice in Las Vegas, he loves it. "Can I take a picture with you?"

"Two dollars, young man. Twenty if you want a song to go with it."

Kurt takes a twenty out of his wallet, it's the bill Elliot drew on, and the AVN ticket comes with it. He shoves it in his back pocket while handing the money to Elvis. Forget gambling. He's not going into a casino and asking how to play poker. And he's pretty sure he'd have to get chips or a card with the twenty instead of using the actual twenty at the table. Singing is always more fun and he'll get his money's worth. He stands next to Elvis, cheek to cheek, and takes a few selfies, making sure to get some of the flashing lights of Caesar's Palace in the background. Elvis smiles and begins singing.

Bright light city gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn,

So get those stakes up higher

There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there

And they're all livin' devil may care

And I'm just the devil with love to spare

Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas

Kurt laughs as Elvis takes his hand and spins him around. At least a dozen people join in the song, dancing along, and mimicking Elvis's hips swivels.

I'm gonna keep on the run

I'm gonna have me some fun

If it costs me my very last dime

If I wind up broke up well

I'll always remember that I had a swingin' time

I'm gonna give it ev'rything I've got

Lady luck please let the dice stay hot

Let me shoot a seven with ev'ry shot

Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas,

Viva, Viva Las Vegas

People crowd the sidewalk, phones out and either taking pictures or video. Elvis spins Kurt around a few more times.

Viva Viva Las Vegas

Elvis dips Kurt as the song ends, pauses for a moment, and stands him back up.

"Thank you," Kurt says. He smiles at a friendly looking woman who has her phone out. "Can I give you my number so you can text me the pictures you took?"

The look she gives him could freeze water.

"I'm gay, so I'm not asking you out or trying to get your number, just a copy of the song."

She relaxes and Kurt knows his suspicion was correct. 

"Sorry," she says with a laugh. "I keep getting hit on and it's it's driving me crazy."

"Me, too. Men are pigs," Kurt says.

"No, pigs are useful."

Kurt laughs and gives her his number. A moment later, his phone chimes with an incoming text. "Thanks!" His gay aura must be on the fritz if she thought he was interested in her.

Kurt turns around several times trying to find his hotel. He can see the Eiffel Tower from the balcony in his room so he knows he's vaguely in the right area. 

Everything is wonderful, Kurt is brimming with energy and he's going to listen to Elvis and get down and do something fun.

His phone beeps with an incoming text. Then another. And another.

From Sebastian - get ur ass over here sooooo many sexy boys!!!!

From Sebastian - Please!!!!!!!

From Sebastian - Kurt?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Kurt sighs. Sebastian wins - he's going to the party. 


	2. Chapter Two

The GPS on Kurt's phone informs him that the Hard Rock is about a mile and a half away. A bus is his best option unless he wants to flag a cab or take Lyft. With the crush of tourists on the sidewalk and the number of cars on the strip, the bus wins. Tolerating the subway is one thing, he lives in New York City. But busses are germ factories and he hates riding them. The bus stop is close by and the next one should arrive in under five minutes. Sebastian better appreciate this. Kurt hurries over, only waiting a few moments before squeezing in.

Kurt stands crammed in the aisle, one hand wrapped around a pole, as they travel slowly down a mostly deserted street. A few bars, some apartments, and several dark buildings go by. The lack of lights and activity is disconcerting after all the chaos on the strip. The noisy crowd on the bus makes up for the quiet outside. Everyone except him and, hopefully, the driver are drunk or on their way there. 

The ring shines dully in the crummy lights. It feels weirdly grown up to wear a ring. The first time he'd tried a wedding ring on was when Rachel dragged him into Tiffany's. She had been certain Finn would propose last Valentine's Day and she wanted to hint for something specific. Finn didn't. 

While Rachel examined dozens of rings, Kurt tried a few on for the hell of it. His favorite was a platinum eternity band with diamonds all the way around. All that bling was way too flashy and something simple and classy is more his style for everyday wear, even if it looked great on his hand.

When the bus jerks to a stop at the Hard Rock, it's immediately obvious he's arriving at party central. A huge crowd spills across the sidewalk around the casino. The enormous lit guitar on the front of the building flashes in the darkness.

Based on the clothes everyone wears, Kurt can almost imagine Rocky Horror is showing, but he's not quite getting a Rocky vibe from the group. Most of the girls have extremely large breasts and wear skimpy dresses. The dress code for the guys is similar, lots of tight clothing and several have their shirts unbuttoned to display rock hard abs and miles of flawless skin. Enough people are wearing some sort of fetish gear that Kurt wonders if the party is BDSM themed. The last time he went clubbing with girls, they didn't dress like this. Except for Santana, but she always dresses to impress when they go out.

Excitement hangs in the air around the crowd. The bus picks up a group of people and takes off.

Pain is not Kurt's thing, which dampens his curiosity. He's down with spanking a guy for fun, but that's about it. If the bus hadn't just left, he'd get on it and head back to The Cosmopolitan. Kurt doesn't quite feel like he fits in. 

He's an actor on Broadway. Okay, so it's more that he has a small role in an off-Broadway musical, but that's not the point. Kurt can act like he fits in. And as long as there's no mandatory participation at this shindig, he can pretend like he belongs. He texts Sebastian. 

From Kurt - Where are you?

The words and a message that says "not delivered" appear below his text. Kurt tries to call, but it goes straight to voice mail. Sebastian either isn't getting any reception or he turned his phone off. 

Shoulders back and head high, Kurt strides with confidence towards the group crowded outside the entrance. On one edge stands a man in a tight police officer uniform and, damn, if that isn't the cutest guy Kurt's ever seen. The cop is speaking with a lady in a corset style top with spaghetti straps and a black lace skirt. He loves her ankle boots. Black leather with pointy toes. 

Kurt almost thinks she looks like a goth, except for her makeup, while dark, is not quite enough black. Officer Sexy and Goth Lady, which almost sounds like a superhero duo, have probably been dating forever and fucking like bunnies the entire time. A man speaks with the Goth Lady briefly and then takes a selfie with her. The guy says something that sounds suspiciously like, "Thank you, mistress," before leaving.

Mistress? Kurt is going to strangle Sebastian. He approaches Officer Sexy and smiles. Officer Sexy is even better looking up close with olive skin and silky hair partly hidden by his hat. It makes Kurt want to run his fingers through the curls and see how soft they are.

"Hi, can I get a picture with you?" Kurt asks.

Officer Sexy doesn't quite have the demeanor of the fake Disney characters taking pictures with tourists, but why else would you wear a uniform that tight?

Goth Lady says, "Sure."

"Oh, um, I meant with you, officer."

Officer Sexy's eyes go wide. "I'm not anybody," he says. 

Goth Lady next to him takes a long drag on her cigarette and blows out a puff of smoke. "You're so full of shit, Blaine. Of course, you're somebody."

Officer Sexy - Blaine - says, "You know what I mean. I'm not a performer."

"Yes, you are. You're just not in the same industry as the rest of us."

Kurt wonders if he's interrupting an argument so he smiles wider. "I don't know what's going on here. Look, saw a tourist taking a picture of him getting fake arrested by a cop in a skimpy police uniform which showed off her boobs. You're much cuter."

Blaine brightens. "Not a fan of boobs, huh?"

"I love women and one of my besties is a girl, but when it comes to love, I like men.

Goth girl exhales another puff of smoke. "So does Blaine. Except, he likes them single." She glares at his ring.

"Charlotte," Blaine says, a warning note in his voice.

Kurt rubs his thumb over the band covering it momentarily before forcing himself to stop fidgeting. "My fiancé is here and I'm supposed to meet him," Kurt says without thinking. Shit. Now he needs to figure out how to work "he's actually my best friend, he proposed as a joke, and I left the ring on as man repellent" into the conversation. 

Charlotte's glare intensifies.

Why is she getting so pissy that he wants a picture with Blaine? It's not like he tackled Blaine and tied him up so he can take the picture. Mmmmm, Blaine tied up. 

"Never mind, sorry I asked. I'll just go to the party." Kurt takes a moment to appreciate how sexy Blaine would be with his wrists secured to the headboard of his bed. The image fades as he reaches for his wallet and looks in the main compartment. "Where's the ticket?" Did it fall out when he played the slot machine or tipped Elvis? 

"Let me guess," Charlotte says sarcastically, "you lost your ticket?"

"It's here somewhere," Kurt says through gritted teeth as he continues searching through the random papers that multiply like rabbits in his wallet.

"I'm done here." Charlotte drops her cigarette on the ground and puts it out with a few twists of her toe. "Don't take too long," she says to Blaine as she walks off. 

Blaine might be friendlier now that Charlotte has left. "Hi, I'm Kurt. Is there any way I can get you to go in and let my friend know that I'm out here? He's charming enough that he can get me another ticket or sneak me in."

"You mean your fiancé?"

Kurt shakes his head. "Sebastian proposed as a joke." Kurt pulls up the video and holds the phone out for Blaine, then keeps searching for the ticket.

"You look like you want to kick him in the face."

"Pretty much all the time." The stupid ticket is here somewhere and why does his wallet have so many compartments? "I don't usually advocate violence, but it was a close call. If we didn't live together, I'd do it." Kurt can't afford anything decent alone on his salary.

"How long have you been dating?" Blaine sounds disappointed.

Kurt makes a horrified face. "We're roommates. love Sebastian to death, but we couldn't date. It would be a train wreck. We're just best friends forever. He does fucking and I do feelings, as he so eloquently puts it. I have nothing else on my agenda for this evening and if I don't show, he'll blow up my phone."

"Why don't you call him?" Blaine asks. 

"It went to voice mail. He might be hooking up with someone." And the view is fantastic out here, so Kurt isn't sure he wants to leave. Besides, Sebastian says that Kurt needs to take the stick out of his ass and let a nice young man, or at least a nicely hung man, stick his dick there instead. Blaine might be able to help him with that.

"Sebastian has probably found a guy for the evening and I don't even know what I'm doing here. I should text him that I'm going back to the casino and not to make too much noise when he drags his ass in." The stupid ticket has to be here somewhere.

"I can get you in, if you want."

"Since when does security sneak people into parties?"

Blaine looks adorably confused before glancing down at his outfit. "Oh, I'm with the show. I'm not security."

"So, about that picture?"

"Hey, Denise," Blaine calls, "Can you come take a picture for me?"

A girl with a dress so short it barely covers her ass turns and walks over on spikey heels. "Sure."

Kurt hands her his phone. Blaine gets behind him and holds Kurt's wrists together. If only Blaine would tie him up and fuck him from behind, pushing his face into the mattress because Kurt would have no leverage and he wouldn't be able to do anything but take it. His dick throbs.

Denise's smile is blinding. "I took a few for you, sweetie."

"Thanks," Kurt says.

"Anything for Blaine." She winks before turning back to the group of people she'd been talking to. Another guy approaches her and she signs a paper for him. 

What is up with all the autographs? Kurt doesn't recognize any of these people. Not that it necessarily means anything. Between finishing school last year, all the auditions, and his jobs, he's been living under a rock.

Blaine loops his arm through Kurt's and leads him inside. 

"You want to leave your scarf here?" Blaine asks. 

“Okay.” Kurt isn't thrilled about leaving his scarf with security, but it’s toasty inside the building.

The real security guard barely glances at Kurt as he hands over the scarf before returning to a conversation with a girl wearing a dress consisting of more mesh than fabric. He doesn't ask Kurt for his ticket, but he does give Blaine a not-so-subtle thumbs up.

The feeling that he doesn't belong intensifies when they get inside the building. There are too many girls wearing too little dress. A guy and a girl go by in what Kurt would assume were swimsuits, except for the sequins on her top and his shorts. 

What the actual fuck?

Music blares through open doors leading into a room packed with people. Enormous pictures hang from the ceiling of extremely beautiful, mostly naked women. A lady near the bar has on an open jacket and pasties to go with her leather pants. A man walks by holding out a tray of drinks. He's wearing a bow-tie around his neck and there is a bow-tie on his booty shorts. Other than that, he's wearing shoes and a smile.

Kurt grabs a passing drink and downs it immediately.

Blaine takes his own drink, sipping it slowly. "You okay? This doesn't really seem like your scene. No offense."

"I'm kind of boring," Kurt says. "I go to one of my jobs and I go home. It's been forever since I did anything-" he almost says normal, but instead, "-crazy."

"This is going to get crazy."

Kurt sighs. "Work sent me here for a writer's convention. I almost kicked a guy in the crotch because he wouldn't take no for an answer. My boss will get angry if I get arrested for fighting. Especially if I don't win after she's heard all about my Aikido classes." 

"Do you do any other types of fighting?" Blaine asks.

"No," Kurt says, "but I also do gymnastics for fun and I can kick my foot over my head." 

"That's pretty hot," Blaine says.

Kurt snags another drink from a passing waitress, this one in a skimpy outfit that would make a playboy bunny look like a prude. He takes a sip of his drink and considers. Blaine is sexy. Kurt knows he's going back to New York Monday afternoon, but why not have a little fun in the meantime? Kurt isn't a huge fan of one night stands, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Right?

"Yep," Kurt says, "I'm super flexible. I can do the splits and everything."

Blaine's eyes darken and if that doesn't make Kurt's dick twitch in interest.

A couple walks by, her in a knee-length white dress and bridal veil and him in a navy blue suit. It's the complete and utter opposite of the party where everyone is dressed like they're on their way to an orgy. Although for all Kurt knows, the happy couple are swingers and on their way to a sex party. 

"Why is Vegas the marriage capital of the world? This doesn't seem like the healthiest environment to make a lifelong commitment." It's a rhetorical question and Kurt doesn't mean to say it out loud.

"No blood tests," Blaine says. 

"Blood tests? For what?"

"Back in the dark ages when STIs were called VD, you had to get a blood test to get a marriage license. Except in Nevada. So Las Vegas became the destination for people looking to get married in a hurry. I could see myself getting married here. It'd be much simpler and cheaper than trying to do a big wedding."

"It would depend on the chapel. I'm not sure if I could take my vows seriously if I got married by Elvis. Maybe at the Eiffel Tower, though."

They're standing so close, Kurt can smell Blaine's cologne. He can't place the scent, but it's his new favorite. 

"Who's next for body shots?" the bartender calls.

Kurt's already had more alcohol than he usually would in a single evening. It's the thought of getting to lick Blaine which decides him. "Let's do it."

"Sure."

They crowd up the bar. Kurt grabs the salt shaker. He places a lime wedge between Blaine's lips, licks up Blaine's neck, and shakes some salt on the wet streak left by his tongue. 

Blaine moans, holding Kurt's shoulders, arching into the sensation. 

Kurt drinks the shot, the alcohol burning slightly as it goes down. The faint flavor of Blaine's skin mixes with the salt as he licks up Blaine's neck. He leans forward to bite on the lime between Blaine's lips. They're practically kissing and it wouldn't take much to turn it into a real kiss. Kurt pulls the lime from between Blaine’s lips and sets it in the empty shot glass. 

"May I?" Blaine asks. 

Kurt isn't sure what Blaine wants, but he nods.

Blaine unbuttons the top two buttons of Kurt's shirt. Fingers brush along the exposed skin.

"This is getting interesting," Kurt says. He picks up a lime wedge and licks his lips before gently biting on it. 

Blaine threads his fingers through Kurt's hair, tilting his head to the side, licking from clavicle to behind the ear. Kurt shivers at the touch, Blaine humming against his skin. A sprinkle of salt and Blaine takes the shot, runs his tongue along the salt, and his lips touch Kurt's when he leans in for the lime. Blaine reaches up, tugs on the lime, and sets it on the bar. 

For an eternity, Kurt stands facing Blaine, both of them panting, the scent of tequila hanging in the air between them.

"You want to dance?" Blaine asks. "I love this song."

"Yeah," Kurt says. Last Friday Night isn't Kurt's first choice for dancing. Why no Lady Gaga? She seems more the speed for this party.

They leave the empty shot glasses and some money on the bar and head towards the music. 

Its wall-to-wall bodies in the dancing area. Kurt follows Blaine to a small patch of space. Blaine twists and turns, grabbing Kurt's hips and pulling him close. He and Blaine move in time to the music grinding against each other.

"So," Kurt says with a smile, "what's a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?"

"I know some people. This isn't really my scene, but…they needed some help. For the show tonight. Nothing else," Blaine adds quickly.

Kurt twists in Blaine's arms so that his back is to Blaine's front. He wiggles his ass against Blaine's crotch, leaning back so his head is resting on Blaine's shoulder. "What kind of help do they need from someone in a skintight police uniform?"

"It was for the pre-show. The MC announced that LVPD was shutting the party down. So, me and another guy and a few girls in police uniforms came out on stage to get the crowd riled up. When you wanted to take a picture with me, I assumed you thought I was one of the actors."

"Charlotte says you perform."

"Not yet. And not here."

Whatever. He's got the undivided attention of a seriously hot guy, what else does he need?

A condom, right?

It isn't until he gets a glimpse of a familiar face that Kurt begins to get an inkling of what's going on. He's lost track of how many songs they've danced to. Kurt is really into it and trying to decide if now is a good time to ask Blaine back to his hotel room when he swears he sees Jayson Sinn. 

What in the holy hell is his favorite porn star - Jayson Sinn, best know for his role as James Bondage - doing in Las Vegas at the same party he's at? Kurt shakes his head, it has to be somebody else. Sure the guy is seriously gorgeous, but there must be other people in the world that look like him.

Kurt decides to forget it, easier said than done. He's going to focus on Blaine and guys who look like Jayson Sinn can go be sexy somewhere else. 

Sticking to his resolve is doable until he sees Jayson waving frantically at him. No matter what he thinks he's seeing, that is not Jayson Sinn pushing his way through the crowd, moving in Kurt's direction. It's just not. 

Except, the closer he gets, the more obvious it is that, yes, the guy Kurt likes to watch have sex so he can masturbate with inspiration, is almost to him. Jayson's wearing a pair of skinny gray pants and a tight blue shirt that matches the brilliant blue of his eyes. 

Kurt freezes, his heart hammering in his chest. 

"There you are, I've been looking all over for you!" Jayson shouts. 

Kurt blinks. What?! Why is Jayson looking for him?

"I've been playing hide-and-seek. You found me, so you win! Now you go hide and I'll find you." Blaine winks at Kurt and says, "I'm so not going to find him."

Jayson laughs, his eyes twinkling. "I heard that! And I did win." He holds up a beautiful glass dildo, swirled with iridescent glitter. 

It's the perfect size for a dildo. That would feel so good, stretching Kurt's ass, thrusting it in and out until he comes all over himself. 

Kurt feels himself blush. Why is he thinking about having sex with the dildo Jayson is holding? What if everyone can tell what he's thinking? Kurt forces his thoughts to more neutral territory, but after dancing with Blaine for who knows how long, Kurt is so turned on, it's impossible. 

"What is that?" Kurt asks. He's had fantasies about Jayson Sinn, but never one about him walking around a party holding a sex toy.

Jayson beams. "Best blowjob third year in a row. I really wanted best anal, because I'm good at that, too, and that award has red and orange glitter. How many iridescent dildos can one person use?"

Kurt's mind instantly goes to an orgy with half a dozen guys using iridescent dildos on each other. Unf, that's super sexy. Because he knows Jayson is good at anal. And rimming. And kissing. And looking sexy while getting tied up. 

"Can I see it?" Kurt asks.

"Sure," Jayson says and hands him the dildo.

It sparkles in the club lights, the glitter twisting through the middle practically glowing. The dildo is heavier than Kurt expects, which just makes it that much better. He wouldn't have to do much to tease his prostate. Maybe push it a little and let the weight do all the work. "I want one," Kurt says.

Smiling brightly, Jayson says, "I'd love for you to be a Bondage Boy. What your name?"

"Kurt, but if I were a Bondage Boy, my name would be Monsieur Chanceux Connard, and I'd let you French kiss my ass." 

Jayson throws back his head and laughs. "Oh my god, you are awesome! Where did you come up with that?"

"Only if you tell me where you got your name first." There's no way that's a real name. Kurt's got the opportunity to ask Jayson Sinn a question and that's what he asks? He needs to shut up.

Blaine groans, "Don't ask him that."

"You take your middle name and the name of your first pet and smoosh them together."

"That's your stripper name," Blaine says. "Porn name is first pet and the street you grew up on."

"I strip in my movies all the time. Anyway, my middle name is Jay, and it became Jayson."

Kurt wrinkles his nose. "You had a pet named Sin?"

"No, we had a cat named Cinderella. Jay Cinderella sounds terrible, but Jayson Sinn sounds mysterious. Now you go."

If Kurt did pet name and street, he'd be Buddy Whitman. Yuck. "My Bondage Boy name, more or less, means lucky asshole in French."

"Seriously? That's great. You speak French? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi pour le porno?" (Will you go to bed with me for a porno?)

"Non merci. Je suis ici avec Blaine. Pourquoi pensez-vous que je suis un acteur dans les films porno?" (No thank you. I'm here with Blaine. Why do you think I'm an actor in porn films?) 

Jayson blinks. "Wait. What?"

So he doesn't speak much French outside of Patty LaBell lyrics. "I said 'No, thank you. I'm here with Blaine' and then I asked why you think I'm an actor in porn films."

Jayson gives him the puppy dog eyes. He must get any and every person and thing he wants that way.

"Because you're here at the AVNs. Most people who get their hands on tickets for the porn awards are in the industry. Except for Blaine, who gets to hang out with some of the world's most beautiful women and he doesn't appreciate it."

Everything clicks into place. 

Jayson got a pretty dildo as an award for, Kurt turns it around, excellence at oral. And, yeah, it's deserved. Watching how expertly Jayson takes even the biggest cock is impressive. Kurt's never had a dick more than an inch or so above average. And he has no idea how Jayson manages to fit a monster cock in his mouth or ass. Or sometimes both at the same time.

"Kurt belongs to me," Blaine says loudly as he wraps his arm around Kurt's waist, pulling him closer.

With a shrug, Jayson says, "Right, but it's not cheating if someone is getting paid."

"And I'm sure that philosophy is a comfort to someone who's significant other hires a professional," Blaine says dryly.

"I'm just messing with you, squirt. Jesus, keep your pants on. I bet if you whip it out and piss all over Kurt to mark your territory, he's going to punch you in the face." Jayson turns to Kurt. "No judgments if that's your thing, I'll still totally do a movie with you," he says in a voice that is probably supposed to be a whisper, but Kurt knows Blaine can hear it.

Blaine's smile turns into a grimace. "Kurt, this is my total and complete asshole of a brother, Cooper, who also goes by Jayson Sinn. Cooper this is *my* Kurt so keep your hands to yourself."

Well, shit. Jayson Sinn is Blaine's brother. He's watched Blaine's brother have sex. How do you tell the guy you want to fuck that his brother looks gorgeous when he comes? 

You don't. You shove it way deep down and you don't. 

Jayson - Cooper - laughs. "You two are together and Kurt is a fan of me? How awkward is that?"

"It's fine," Blaine says, "Kurt likes me better, so yay for me." 

Which brings up the question of how Blaine feels about Kurt watching his brother's porn. Wait a minute. Kurt doesn't even know where Blaine lives. The porn stuff doesn't matter because he and Blaine will hook up tonight and then it's sayonara sweetheart. 

The song changes and Cooper says, "Dance with me? I need to give you the big brother seal of approval." 

It's too close to a line in Rocky Horror and Kurt can't resist. He holds his arm out and elbows locked, palms together, and says, "Arf, arf, arf," while clapping.

"I approve," Cooper says with a huge smile. "Kurt, you pass with flying colors. Not like that last idiot Blaine dated."

"Will you shut up?" Blaine yells. "I'm not some Victorian damsel who needs my family's permission to court."

Cooper extends a hand to Kurt. "Will you dance with me?"

A moment's hesitation and then, "Only if it won't upset Blaine."

Blaine pouts a little. "Yeah, go ahead." 

Cooper's idea of dancing is yelling along with the lyrics while jumping up and down.

Oh baby, baby, have you seen Amy tonight?

Is she in the bathroom, is she smokin' up outside? Oh!

Oh baby, baby, does she take a piece of lime

For the drink that I'mma buy her, do you know just what she likes? Oh!

With the number of people packed in around them, they have to dance close together. Cooper, despite his talk about wanting to make a porno with Kurt, doesn't get up in Kurt's business. 

Love me, hate me

Say what you want about me

But all of the boys and all of the girls

Are begging to if you seek Amy

Love me, hate me

But can't you see what I see?

All of the boys and all of the girls

Are begging to if you seek Amy

Kurt keeps waiting for the inquisition to start, but Cooper seems content. If Cooper wants them to dance to the Brittany's Spears song about how all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F. U. C. K., then Kurt needs to be clear. "Just for the record, I wanted your dildo to have sex with it, not to display it on my mantle as an award."

Cooper's eyes bug out and his jaw drops. The sides of his mouth slowly pull up into a smile. "I love you, Kurt. If things don't work out with Blaine, you let me know."

He waggles his eyebrows and if Kurt hadn't just met Blaine, he'd be all over Cooper.

"Cooper!" Blaine yells, suddenly appearing next to them.

"I'm yanking your chain. What's with you? You shouldn't be this uptight if you've got a guy like Kurt. Seriously, Kurt, take Blaine in the bathroom and blow him or let him blow you or whatever you two are into so he calms the fuck down."

Jayson Sinn wants Kurt to blow Blaine. 

When Kurt talked to Elvis, he should have tipped him a hundred dollars. And he should go pull another slot machine or play some poker because everything's coming up Kurt! 

Now all he has to do is convince Blaine that his brother is right.


	3. Chapter Three

"We should go back to my hotel," Kurt says. 

Blaine's eyes sparkle. "And why is that?" 

"Are you serious?" Cooper asks. "I know I'm, like, barely bi, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to gay sex.”

"Uh huh," Blaine mumbles.

"I have the best idea ever!" Cooper says loudly. "I'm thinking about teaching a master class on how to fuck like a porn star. You and Kurt can be in my first group! It'll be perfect. I can teach you all the best ways to have sex and you can stop looking like a grumpy Gus. There's this thing I can do with my tongue-"

"Holy inappropriate comment Batman!" Blaine yells. "I've been having gay sex since high school so I can teach you a thing or two. And, oh my god, why are we even discussing this? Kurt, please tell Cooper that it's not normal to teach your brother how to have sex."

In high school, Kurt had a massive crush on Finn Hudson. It still embarrasses him that he got their parents to date so he could get closer to the jock. Kurt was over it, mostly, by the time his dad and Finn's mom got married. But there had definitely been a time when learning about sex from his (step) brother had an appeal. 

"It's so weird," Kurt says quickly. He and Blaine have known each other for forty minutes. That is the kind of story you tell somebody after you've been married for forty years and not a second before.

"You're no fun," Cooper complains. "I'm gonna get another drink. Either of you want something?"

The taste of tequila is still on Kurt's tongue. "I'll take a margarita."

"Me, too," Blaine says.

Cooper wanders off, more or less, in the direction of the bar. 

"This may not be obvious, but Cooper is more straight than anything," Blaine says. 

"I don't care. I'm not going to sleep with him, so his sexuality is irrelevant. But how did he get into making gay porn if he's not really gay or very bi?"

"Guys make more money doing gay porn and for Cooper, sex is like pizza. Just because his favorite pizza is a thin crust with veggies doesn't mean he can't eat a meat lovers deep dish."

The look on Kurt's face must have clearly conveyed his anger at that statement because Blaine quickly says, "But if you're a vegetarian, it would mean no meat. Or something. I think I've had more to drink than I realize because that didn't make any sense."

 

"It kind of does."

Blaine leads Kurt back into dancing. He takes Kurt's hand, lifting it up over their heads, twirling Kurt around as the next song starts.

All the single ladies

All the single ladies

Kurt lets out a squeal. "I love this song!" He immediately starts with the choreography from the video. Several girls join in. Their dancing isn't as polished as his friends from high school, but he loves having backup dancers.

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips

Got me tighter than my Dereon jeans

Acting up, drink in my cup

I can care less what you think

I need no permission, did I mention?

Don't pay him any attention

'Cause you had your turn, but now you gon' learn

What it really feels like to miss me

Blaine licks his lips when Kurt starts spanking his own ass and doing the hip thrusts. They're definitely hooking up tonight.

Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

Don't be mad once you see that he want it

If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

Kurt finishes with his left hand up, pointing at the ring. The girls next to him strike a similar pose. Blaine, mouth slightly open and smiling, looks like he wants to push Kurt up against the nearest wall and do naughty things. 

And that's when Kurt realizes that Cooper stands nearby, staring at the ring, one hand over his nose and mouth.

"You motherfuckers!" Cooper yells.

Kurt panics as the realization that Cooper - Jayson Sinn - thinks that he, Kurt, is a cheating piece of shit. And he thinks his brother Blaine is sleeping with a married man.

"You're wearing a ring," Cooper says loudly, pointing at Kurt's left hand. 

"Yes." Kurt unfreezes, trying to determine the best way to run away and hide while still getting to sleep with Blaine. He supposes it's within the realm of possibility that he can stand in the crowded after party for the porn awards and shout at Jayson Sinn that he isn't actually married. He's just trying to keep the creepy creepers away.

How to explain this without sounding like an idiot, because he's definitely being an idiot. 

Cooper yells "Why didn't you tell me you're engaged?!"

Kurt looks at Blaine, drawing a blank.

Blaine grins brightly, raises his arms in the air, and yells, "Surprise!"

Cooper points at Blaine, the tip of his finger less than an inch away from Blaine's nose. "We've been hanging out all weekend and you didn't say one damn word."

"Was totally worth it. Just to see the look on your face."

Eyes narrow, Cooper looks back and forth between the two of them several times. He puts the dildo under his arm, grabs Blaine's wrist in one hand and Kurt's in the other, and drags them through the crowd to the edge of the room where there's a little space. Kurt's stumbles along, trying to keep up.

"Where's the drinks" Blaine asks.

"There's someone I'd rather avoid by the bar. Never mind that, where's your ring?" Cooper demands, glaring at his brother.

Blaine mumbles, "Um," several times.

Kurt reaches into his pocket and feels for the pouch with the two rings in it. "I'm holding onto it for safe keeping." He slips his finger through one. Kurt's got a fifty/fifty chance of getting the dark gray. So of course, of course, when he pulls the ring out of his pocket, it's the bright pink one.

Cooper blinks at the ring several times. "Pink?"

"It's Blaine's favorite color." Even as he's speaking, Kurt realizes how ridiculous that sounds. Why can't he reach out into the universe and pull the words back?

"Yep," Blaine says with a smile, "the ring matches my sunglasses."

Buzzing with joy, Kurt wants to run a victory lap around the room because he got it right.

"How did you two get engaged? Who proposed?" Cooper asks.

He's on a roll and decides to keep rolling. Kurt reaches inside to the brilliant actor he knows he is. "Oh, it's a funny story. So, Blaine had this big giant production planned for the proposal. He was going to ask me on the steps where we met."

"Where did you meet?" Cooper interrupts.

Kurt has no idea where Blaine lives. As long as Cooper and Blaine don't live together, Kurt should be able to pull this off.

"We've been doing the long distance thing." That should cover for Blaine to live just about anywhere. "Blaine came to see my off-Broadway show–"

The glare Cooper levels Blaine is almost funny. "You're a senior at NYU. How is it long distance if Kurt is performing off-Broadway?"

"It's long distance if we don't both live on campus." Blaine nods, as though he's agreeing with himself.

"You don't live on campus."

"Right. We don't both live on campus, so it's long distance."

Cooper rolls his eyes. "You two are both helpless. You're at the off-Broadway production...."

"Yes." Kurt tries to remember what made-up story he's telling. "I had just come out with the rest of the cast at the back of the theater, and Blaine thrusts his playbill at me and asks for my autograph. I told him...that...I wasn't anybody and he didn't really want my picture. I mean autograph."

Blaine laughs like that's the funniest he's thing ever heard in his entire life. 

Cooper moves his hand in circles, in a 'keep going, get to the point' gesture.

"Blaine tells me that of course I'm somebody and then he tells me I'm special because I'm 'the man he's going to marry.' And I was completely and utterly creeped out. I mean, who does that? Talk about getting married when they just met?"

Blaine nuzzles into Kurt's neck, giggling so loudly that Cooper must be able to hear it, even over the music.

"He came to see my show again," Kurt says, hoping to pull Cooper's focus away from his brother. "This time when I came out the stage door, he's holding a bouquet of pink roses. I know I light up the stage, but the people who are producing the play don't. Yet. I was so touched that he would come see me again and bring me flowers that I finally said that we could go get some coffee. We ended up staying out most of the night at this tiny little café near the theater and we just fell in love."

"How long have you been together?" Cooper asks.

"For-" Kurt starts to say forty minutes, but Blaine cuts him off with "-forever."

"Why haven't I heard about this yet?" Cooper whines. "I'm your only brother."

"I was afraid you'd want to meet him and scare him off. Which you're trying to do right now with all your talk about master sex classes and teaching him how to do gay sex right."

Jayson Sinn and his super hot brother are arguing about a sex master class. Kurt should have tipped Elvis a thousand dollars.

"When's the wedding?" 

Blaine shrugs "We haven't decided. You know how Dad is. He's not happy with the whole gay thing. He's going to flip his shit when I tell him."

"What do your parents think?" Cooper asks Kurt.

"When I was in high school my dad told me I should wait until I'm thirty to have sex. He'll be okay with the getting married part. My mom died when I was little, but according to my dad they both knew I was gay since I was three because all I wanted for my birthday that year was a pair of sensible heels."

Cooper looks Kurt up and down. "Yeah, I can see that. I bet it would make your legs look amazing."

Jayson Sinn thinks his legs would look great in a pair of heels. Kurt should have tipped Elvis all the money in his savings account. 

"Mom, my step-mom, will be cool with the wedding. Her son almost married my best girl friend right out of high school, so she'll just be glad I'm not a teenager." And that it's not Finn getting married, but Kurt doesn't say that part out loud.

"Anyway," Blaine interrupts, "we've been talking about doing a small wedding because of all that. Sure it would be fun to do a big giant blowout, but it's expensive and I don't know that it's right for us. We were even talking about how it might be nice to get married in Vegas. Especially at the Eiffel Tower."

Kurt doesn't know what to say. He really needs to put a stop to this and tell Cooper that they're not engaged and they don't even know each other.

Cooper's eyes widened in his mouth slowly opens. "There's a chapel at the Paris Casino. We should go now."

This has gone from cute and amusing to seriously alarming. Kurt tries to push through the alcohol fog and figure out how to explain to Cooper that this is a joke that's getting way out of hand.

"Oh come on. I want to see my little brother get married. If you two wait till you get back to New York to sneak off for a wedding, I probably won't be able to go. My filming schedule is very demanding."

Cooper holds up the dildo and poses like he's accepting it as an award. "I'll even make this a wedding gift. I wouldn't normally give Blaine one of my awards. But if you two are tying the knot, you need a beautiful present for the happy occasion."

Jayson wants to give Kurt his excellence at oral dildo award as a wedding present. "Yeah," Kurt says, "we should go to the Eiffel Tower."

Blaine nods enthusiastically. "Where's Charlotte?" he asks. 

"I'll go find her," Cooper says. He runs off yelling, "Charlotte! Has anyone seen Mistress Charlotte?"

Blaine collapses against Kurt, laughing until tears leak down his cheeks. "Cooper thinks we're engaged and that we should get married, like, right now."

"Yes," Kurt says seriously, "but he's going to give us the dildo, so shhh don't tell him the truth."

"I don't care about the dildo, I just don't want you to be in a movie with him. I don't watch Cooper's movies. Because...gross...but I want to watch you have sex. I bet you look beautiful when you come," Blaine says wistfully.

Kurt nearly chokes. He can't remember the last time someone said something so flattering about him. "We are getting married and we should complicate...no....consume...con...something...do it. We should do it to make it official." He can't think of the right word.

"That's right! We can do it all the time anywhere we want if we get married." Blaine gives Kurt a lecherous wink.

Kurt slides his hand behind Blaine's neck and pulls him close. He goes in hard and fast, pushing his tongue into Blaine's mouth. Kurt jumps up, Blaine catching him under the thighs. Kurt wraps his legs around Blaine's waist, squeezing to make it obvious just how hard he is.

Blaine groans, thrusting against Kurt. He's hard, too.

They need a room. "I'm staying at The Cosmopolitan," Kurt says between kisses. "I have a bed and condoms."

"Yes." Blaine kisses his way down Kurt's neck, biting where it meets his shoulder. "We need lots of condoms. So many condoms."

"Oh, my god. Can you two stop humping for two seconds," Cooper yells, pointing at him and Blaine with one hand, the other gripping the dildo around the shaft. 

Kurt completely forgot about Jayson Sinn and his glitter dildo. That would make a good name for a porno - Jayson Sinn and His Glitter Dildo. It could be all about how Jayson has an orgy and everyone takes turns fucking themselves and everyone else with the dildos. Bonus points if they can work getting covered with body glitter into the plot so everything can be extra glittery. 

"We need glitter," Kurt says before remembering that everyone is not living in his glittery fantasy world. He disentangles himself from Blaine. 

"No," Blaine says, "We need to go to your hotel room so we can have sex."

"We should get married first." Kurt may not get to see Cooper use the glitter dildo, but he and Blaine can use it. After they get married. 

Charlotte speaks too softly to be heard clearly over the pounding bass. Kurt thinks she says, "Married? What the fuck happened while I was gone for an hour?" She crosses her arms, glaring and tapping her foot.

"We're going to Paris and we're getting married." Blaine smiles like an idiot and Kurt smiles with him. 

Blaine is so cute and sex with him is going to be awesome.

Charlotte continues to glare. "Paris...France?"

"Paris, Las Vegas." With an exasperated sigh, Blaine says. "We were messing with you, Charlotte. I wanted to tell Cooper first."

The calculating look Charlotte turns in Kurt's direction is scary. "Who's your favorite singer?" she asks. 

It's a trick question, it has to be. Kurt thinks for a moment trying to figure out who it seems like Blaine would like, besides Katy Perry. Inspiration strikes. Even if Blaine can't sing a note, it's still the best answer. "My favorite singer is Blaine."

Blaine smiles and wraps an arm around Kurt's waist. "You're my favorite singer."

Charlotte makes a face but finally nods her head. "Okay. I don't know why you two were pretending not to know each other outside, but give me a minute to change my shoes and lets go.”

Kurt's phone emits a loud ping…ping…ping…ping.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, knowing what he'll see on the screen before he looks at it - Find my iPhone alert. Sebastian knows Kurt is here at the Hard Rock and is looking for him.

Time to brace for impact.

Before Kurt can explain about his annoying friend, Sebastian is saying, "You showed up! I thought for sure you'd be in the hotel room alone and not even jerking off." Sebastian throws his arms around Kurt. 

"Oof." Kurt lets out a huffing breath as Sebastian squeezes him too tight. 

Because he's drunk and he's an ass, Sebastian leans in and kisses Kurt hello. And not just a little peck on the cheek or the mouth, he full on kisses Kurt, open mouth and everything. 

It takes a moment for Kurt to react to Sebastian's tongue is pressing against his sealed lips. Kurt pushes his best friend away. "We don't kiss with tongue, you pervert."

Sebastian frowns. "You let me make out with you when Ricky dumped you. We *are* friends who kiss with tongue." He smiles and Kurt knows his friend thinks he's the smartest person in the world, instead of the most idiotic.

"No, you stroked my hair and kissed my forehead because you were worried about me being unhappy. You kept your tongue in your own damn mouth."

Cooper laughs. "You two sound like an old married couple."

Blaine pouts, and Kurt wants to kiss him and make him smile instead.

"No. No, we don't. We sound like gay best friends forever." Kurt shudders. "Married to Sebastian. How long would it take for you to want sex with someone else? An hour?"

"I don't know," Sebastian says with a shrug. "Most of my relationships last about twenty minutes after the sex ends - ten minutes to bask and ten to find my clothes and get the heck outta there."

Cooper holds his hand up and Sebastian high-fives him.

"You look familiar," Sebastian says, frowning at Cooper. "Have we hooked up?"

"You in the biz?" Cooper asks. "I don't normally do guys just to do guys."

Sebastian's eyes widen and his jaw drops. "You're Jayson Sinn. Fuck. Me," Sebastian breathes. "Oh, shit. I just told Jayson Sinn to fuck me. Not that I wouldn't, because you have such a nice dick and you're gorgeous. And holy fuck, Kurt, smack some sense into me or something. I just said shit in front of Jayson Sinn. After I told him to fuck me."

Blaine face-palms. "All the time. I can't go anywhere with my stupid brother."

Sebastian gapes at Kurt. "I finally convince you to show at the party and you get to hook up with Jayson Sinn and his hot as fuck brother?"

"I'm not hooking up with Jayson, I'm engaged to Blaine. It would be weird for me to have sex with brothers," Kurt says while thinking that it would actually be pretty great to be in the middle of that. 

"What?" Sebastian says flatly.

Kurt puts his hand over Sebastian's mouth. "I know you think marriage is for breeders and morons and you think it's stupid I'm engaged, but and you can shut up about it."

Sebastian licks Kurt's palm.

"Yuck!" Kurt yells and wipes his hand on Sebastian's shirt.

Cooper laughs.

"Excuse us for a moment. Sebastian and I need to have a conversation about manners." Kurt threads his fingers through Sebastian's and tugs to get them moving. 

But he doesn't want Blaine to think he's trying to sneak away. "Blaine, please get my scarf and meet us the main entrance in five minutes, okay?" Kurt yells over his shoulder as Sebastian follows. They weave through the dance floor until they reach an empty hallway.

"Engaged? What the actual fuck?" Sebastian demands. 

Kurt sighs. "Jayson thinks his hot as fuck brother and I are engaged and he wants us to get married. Right now."

"You can't get married. Do you even know that guy? Go ahead and fuck him because, dat ass, but don't get married."

"Jayson Sinn is going to give me his porn award dildo for best oral as a wedding gift." 

"Well, okay then," Sebastian says, "You do it do for the dildo."

They head towards the doors. Sebastian grabs two drinks off a passing tray and hands one to Kurt. “Cheers.” They both down the drinks and then head for the outside. 

Cooper and Blaine are just inside the main doors. Blaine looks relieved when he sees Kurt approaching and not trying to sneak out a back entrance. Charlotte joins them and she's changed into flats.

A wave of cool evening air greets Kurt as he goes outside. It doesn't take long for their group to move away from the crowd.

Blaine pauses, smiling as he wraps the scarf around Kurt's neck.

Cooper turns in circles, waving his arms. "Where's the Eiffel Tower? It's a big thing." He stares earnestly at the group as if someone knows the answer. 

"Ask Siri," Blaine says. "Siri knows everything."

Cooper pulls out his phone. "Siri, where is Paris?"

"Which one?" Siri asks.

Cooper stabs at his phone. "Which one what?"

"I didn't quite catch that," Siri says.

"Nerds," Charlotte says. She lights up and takes a drag. "You are all such nerds."

"Forget the tower, where's my car?" Cooper taps the screen again. "Siri, where's my car?"

A police officer, a real one, says, "How much have you had to drink, sir? I'm not sure you should be driving."

"Oh, thank god," Cooper says. "Have you seen my car? It's got a license plate. And it's blue. Sort of. Kind of a green teal, maybe?"

"He won't be driving, officer," Charlotte says. "His car is in LA. I'll make sure he gets safely back to his hotel. Thank you for your concern." 

The cop nods and leaves. 

"Where's Paris?" Cooper turns around like it should be nearby and not way over on the strip.

Two ladies, both dressed too casual to have been at the AVN party, pause near Cooper. "Go right on Harmon and right on the strip," the girl in the yellow dress and gray Converse says. She has dark skin and curly black hair.

"That's too complicated," Cooper wines.

"We can show you," she says. "We're heading back that way, you can come with us."

Cooper squints his eyes a few times. "Yes," he finally says. "My brother is going to get married in Paris." He points at Blaine and then Sebastian.

Sebastian holds up his hands like he's fending off an attack. "Nope, nope, nope. Not me. No offense. I don't do commitment.”

"What is that?" the other girl asks, pointing at the dildo. She has short brown hair and her green shirt is unbuttoned just enough to show her navy bra. 

"It's a major award. Excellence at oral. I'm Anderson. Cooper Anderson. No, wait. that's wrong. I'm James Bondage."

Both girls squeal. "I'm Abby. Sign my chest." Abby unbuttons three buttons on her shirt and holds the fabric open. 

"Me, too." The other girl pulls the front of her dress down. "I'm Janice and I love you."

"Fuck my life," Blaine says, "Everywhere we go. Someone wants to jump Cooper."

"We don't want to jump him. I'm a gold star lesbian," Abby says.

"I like looking at dicks, but I don't want one anywhere near me."

"Now lesbians get all excited to see Cooper." Blaine throws his hands up in the air. "I give up."

"I'd love to sign your chests." Cooper pats down his pockets with his free hand and pulls out a sharpie. He signs both chests to the smiling delight of the two girls. 

"Of course you have a sharpie," Blaine mutters.

"Can we take a selfie?" Abby asks.

"Sure," Cooper says. He pulls his phone out of his back pocket and stares at it. 

Kurt suspects he can't figure out how to turn it on. Abby and Janice take selfies with their phones and with Cooper's. Abby leaves her shirt unbuttoned.

"So, which way is Paris again?"

Abby points down the street and repeats the instructions.

"That's, like, a mile and a half."

"No. It's not *like* a mile and a half. It *is* a mile and s half," Janice says. "Or catch a bus."

"No bus," Kurt says immediately. He can't stomach the idea of getting back on a germy bus. 

"What if we get lost?" Cooper asks.

"Seriously?" Sebastian asks. "It's two turns."

"You two should come with us," Cooper says.

Both the girls squeal.

"You do realize that they're both lesbians, right?" Blaine asks Cooper.

Charlotte says, "The more the merrier."

Kurt isn't sure if Cooper is hoping for a threesome with his lesbian fans or if he really thinks he'll get lost making two turns.

Cooper begins striding confidently in the wrong direction. As he walks past, Blaine grabs the back of his shirt, turning him around. "Wrong way, superstar." 

"Got it!" Cooper walks quickly, now going in the correct direction.

"I'm tempted to tell him that it's still wrong," Blaine says. "Just to see what he does. He's so drunk I bet I could keep spinning him around until he gets dizzy."

"That's not very nice," Kurt says.

"Neither is Cooper."

Everyone heads down the street. In an extremely loud voice, Cooper asks, "So what song did you sing after the first time you two had sex? Was it 'I Just Had Sex' or something else?"

"Oh, my god, Cooper, shut up. That was me and Zack, and I told you that as a joke. I don't start singing after I have sex."

Kurt tries to imagine what Blaine would sing right after sex. Something romantic and sweet or something to get in the mood for round two?

"Don't be shy, honey," Kurt says with a smirk. "Of course we sang the first time we had sex."

Sebastian bursts out laughing. "I knew it! The *only* thing I'd ever sing after sex is 'Hit the Road Jack.' But not if his name is Jack. Then it would be weird."

Charlotte's eyebrows climb up her forehead. "So singing right after sex isn't bizarre, it's the song selection that's the issue?"

"Yes," Kurt and Sebastian say at the same time. Sebastian holds his fist out and Kurt bumps it. They both wiggle their fingers as the move them away.

Why is Sebastian agreeing with this? Kurt has absolutely no idea. Most of the time, Sebastian gets annoyed when Kurt randomly breaks into song. He'll join in, eventually, while making it clear how put out he is about it.

"We should sing whatever it is to mark the occasion," Cooper says.

"You can't be serious," Sebastian moans. "I'm not running down the street singing mushy romantic songs."

"What makes you think it's mushy and romantic?" Blaine asks. "What if we sing Closer by Nine Inch Nails?"

Sebastian makes a face. "First off, Closer isn't really Kurt's speed. Even if it were, you sing that before the sex, not after."

"Tell me what it is," Cooper insists, "or I'm singing Jizz in My Pants and telling everyone it's your song.

Blaine and Kurt exchange a panicked glance. 

"I tried to deflect," Blaine says, "so you get to tell them what we sang."

Sebastian starts laughing. "Dites-lui, ou je vais faire quelque chose. Et vous ne l'aimerez pas." (Tell him or I'll make something up. And you won't like it.)

Kurt really doesn't want to hear what his idiot friend thinks is the perfect thing to listen to after sex. He's going to smack Sebastian upside the head just as soon as he thinks of a song.


	4. Chapter Four

Blaine likes T.G.I.F. and watching Kurt dance to Single Ladies. Other than that, he knows nothing about Blaine's music preferences. Forget that. What's the perfect song to sing after you make love to your future husband for the first time? 

"Angel of the Morning," Kurt deadpans. "Blaine was afraid I was only in it for the sex."

"The song about the girl who's going to spend all day crying because her one-night stand doesn't love her?" Blaine asks incredulously. "No, I didn't."

"Kidding," Kurt says. "Blaine sang Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow."

"That's depressing," Cooper says. "The sex was so bad you thought Kurt would ghost you?"

Inspiration strikes. If Blaine doesn't get the reference, then Kurt can tell Cooper that he sang one song and Blaine sang something else. "Should we tell him? I bet he's expecting you to say something by Katy Perry, but I like Depeche Mode and we just can't get enough of each other."

Blaine gets a sparkle in his eyes and sings.

When I'm with you baby

I go out of my head

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

Cooper smiles, and it's no wonder he's so successful in his chosen career. 

Kurt joins in, enjoying the way their voices blend perfectly. He's always known he needs someone he can sing with. A life without music is no life for him.

All the things you do to me

And everything you said

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

We slip and slide as we fall in love 

And I just can't seem to get enough of

Cooper skips, arms open wide, singing loudly. He spins around a few times, stumbles, and straightens himself out. It's a good thing everyone is wearing comfortable shoes.

Blaine loops his arm through Kurt's.

We walk together

We're walking down the street

And I just can't get enough

And I just can't get enough

Every time I think of you

I know we have to meet

And I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

It's getting hotter

It's a burning love

And I just can't seem to get enough of

Kurt sings, unconcerned with the few random people staring at them as they go past. Sebastian joins in along with Abby and Janice. 

Charlotte yells, "No way in hell am I singing."

Cooper turns and begins jogging backward. "Spoilsport!"

Blaine grabs his shoulder as they go by, turning Cooper in the correct direction before he starts running the wrong way.

They skip and run down the street. Charlotte still isn't singing, but she keeps up with the group. 

And when it rains

You're shining down for me

And I just can't get enough

And I just can't get enough

Just like a rainbow

You know you set me free

And I just can't get enough

And I just can't get enough

You're like an angel

And you give me your love

And I just can't seem to get enough of

"Of course *your* sex song mentions rainbows," Sebastian says.

"I can't get enough of Blaine and he can't get enough of me, so there you go." Kurt doesn't care about the teasing as long as his friend plays along.

Bright neon lights announce a bar as they approach it. 

"We need to stop," Charlotte says. 

"No, we need to get Kurt and Blaine married. Priorities," Cooper says. "Besides, if you buy any more cigarettes, I'll bend you over my lap and spank you."

"I'm going to buy cigarettes," Sebastian says immediately. 

Kurt whirls and stares. "You don't smoke."

"I started this weekend."

Which is when Kurt realizes why Sebastian 'started smoking.' He snorts. "Gardez-le dans votre pantalon." (Keep it in your pants.)

"Pas si je peux l'aider." (Not if I can help it.)

"I'm experiencing tampon failure," Charlotte says. "Unless you want me leaving a trail of blood behind us, I'm going to the ladies room."

She grabs Cooper's wrist and twists his arm behind his back. "And I have a question," she says, completely calm while Cooper whimpers. "How are you going to spank me with a dislocated shoulder?"

"Sorry," Cooper yelps. 

"I'm going inside the bar for a few minutes, got it?"

"We'll go in and get a drink while we patiently wait so you can take care of business," Cooper says. 

"That's a great idea," Charlotte says. "Why didn't I think of that? If you ever threaten me, or any other woman with violence, I'll hunt you down and no one will be able to identify your mangled remains. Understand?"

"Yes, I'll be a perfect gentleman." 

She lets go of Cooper and he rotates his arm a few times.

The words Over the Rainbow are written in multicolored flashing lights above the door. A sign in the window announces that Disco Never Dies is performing tonight. As Cooper holds the door open for Charlotte and everyone else, music drifts out into the night. Most disco music sounds the same to Kurt and he's not a big fan, but he recognizes It's Raining Men.

The bar is Wizard of Oz themed - the Emerald City painted on one wall, a rainbow over the bar, and a tornado sculpture in one corner. Even through all the feet dancing on it, Kurt can see the Yellow Brick Road painted on the floor, spiraling out from the center and leading to the bar.

On the stage, three drag queens wearing rain coats and holding umbrellas sing.

It's raining men! Hallelujah

It's raining men, amen

At least half the people in the bar are dressed up 70's clothes, several as Village People, Donna Summer, and John Travolta al la Saturday Night Fever. 

Cooper immediately heads for the bar.

A guy wearing a tiny pair of white shorts and a navy officer hat looks Abby up and down. "This is a gay bar, honey bunch. Button your shirt. No one wants to see your chest."

Abby opens her shirt wider. "Not even if it was signed by Jayson Sinn?"

"I changed my mind," Sailor Guy says, leaning closer. "You can take your shirt off as far as I'm concerned. I'm so jealous."

"He's right there," she says, pointing. "I'm going to his brother's wedding."

Cooper walks back over, smiling like the cat that got the canary and still clutching the dildo. 

"I love you," Sailor Guy says.

Without missing a beat, Cooper says, "I love you, too."

Sailor Guy melts into a puddle. 

Kurt laughs while Blaine sighs. 

"Guess what?" Cooper asks. 

"They voted you king of the porn stars and you're going to use your crown to promote safe sex and world peace?" Blaine asks innocently. 

"No, but the world would be a lot more peaceful if we were all having safe sex."

"Yeah, it would," Sailor Guys says. 

"This is better than world peace," Cooper says.

"What could possibly be better?" Blaine asks in a faux-shocked voice.

"We're singing. You know you want to, it's your bachelor party."

"Sort of," Blaine interrupts. 

Cooper smiles showing too many teeth. "It's the party right before you get married. And you're a bachelor. So, I offered to sign the bartender's chest if he'll let us sing."

"Jesus fucking Christ. You bribed the bartender with your signature so we can sing?"

"What? No. Don't be ridiculous. The bartender is straight like a laser beam. The bouncer, however, is a fan and willing to take cash as a bribe."

Blaine rolls his eyes. "I'm not doing it."

"I triple dog dare you," Cooper says. "We're going on after this song and you get to sing lead."

"What are we singing?" Kurt demands. He might not know the words. This could be his only chance to perform with Jayson Sinn and he can't fuck it up.

"Y.M.C.A. and if you don't know it, I'll blow you."

Sebastian narrows his eyes and smirks. "Dites-lui que vous ne le savez pas." (Tell him you don't know it.)

"I know it."

With an exasperated sigh, Sebastian says, "Idiot."

"I'm marrying Blaine."

"Have a last fling."

Kurt smiles through gritted teeth. "Not with his brother!"

"You suck."

"I do, especially when guys ask nicely."

"Will you blow me for a movie?" Cooper asks.

"No sex for you," Kurt says.

"You'll give in, eventually. I know it's your bachelor party, too, but Blaine is dressed as a cop. Unless you'll make a movie with me, then you can sing front and center."

Kurt shakes his head. Why did he meet Jayson Sinn after meeting Blaine?

A waiter appears with a tray of double shots.

"I got us all flying monkeys. Charlotte's not back, yet, so you," Cooper points at Sailor Guy, "get the extra one. Grab a shot!"

The waiter holds the tray out and everyone takes one. Cooper says, "On three. One. Two. Three!"

Kurt downs the drink, the taste hitting him after he swallows. Banana and coffee? Why?

Sebastian sets his empty glass on the tray and smiles at Sailor Guy. "What's your name, sailor?"

"Riley."

"Nice to meet you, Riley," Sebastian says. "Apparently, I'm going on stage in a moment. Can I borrow your hat?"

Riley takes it off and places it on Sebastian's head. 

"You're a genius, we need hats," Cooper says. He walks over to a group dressed as the Village People and returns with hats. Tilting his head, he considers Kurt for a moment and hands him the cowboy hat. He holds the headband with an Indian feather out to Janice who shakes her head, no.

"I'll take that," Abby says, holding her hand out. "Janice can be the construction worker."

Cooper sticks the biker hat on his head just in time for the DJ to announce, "Disco Never Dies is taking a break for a few minutes. While they do, we have a surprise! If you haven't heard of James Bondage, you should watch more porn. It's Jayson Sinn and the Bachelor Party!"

"It's Blaine and the Bachelor Party," Cooper yells, hands cupped around his mouth as best he can while holding the dildo.

The crowd goes crazy, cheering and whistling as their group takes the stage. Kurt performs before a much larger audience at least once a week. He'll never forgive himself if he gets stage fright. 

The DJ gestures to Cooper, who goes right to the mic. "Hi, I'm Sinn. Jayson Sinn. And my little brother is getting married tonight and we're celebrating!"

More cheers as the music starts. Blaine stands front and center on the stage. His ass is amazing in those pants.

Young man, there's no need to feel down

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town 

There's no need to be unhappy

Young man, there's a place you can go

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find 

Many ways to have a good time

None of The Bachelor Party seem to know what they're doing. Kurt's seen Rocky Horror casts sing this song to get the audience riled up. The choreography, if you can call it that, is mostly pointing and everyone follows his lead. For the chorus, everyone makes letters with their arms. 

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal

You can do whatever you feel 

Blaine owns the stage. He undoes his shirt, much to the enjoyment of the audience and Kurt, especially when he takes it off and tosses it behind him. Kurt catches it and throws it to the back of the stage where it won't get stepped on.

Sebastian hams it up, pointing at Riley and singing to him. Riley claps and sings along.

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

It's fun to stay at the Y M C A

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys 

The crowd makes room as Charlotte shoves her way through to the edge of the stage, a brand new pack of cigarets tucked in the strap of her top. 

Blaine grabs the inside thighs of the pants and yanks. They pull apart revealing tiny black briefs and tan, muscular legs that Kurt wants wrapped around his waist.

The cheers are deafening.

Blaine swings the pants over his head several times and throws them in the general direction of Charlotte. He dances around and the outline of his dick through the underwear makes Kurt's mouth water. 

Y M C A, just go to the Y M C A

Young man, young man, are you listening to me? 

Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?

The music fades and Cooper points at Blaine. "Everyone, my little brother, Blaine."

The audience cheers even louder.

Blaine bows and Kurt wants to fuck that perfect ass. He wonders if Cooper can be distracted long enough for a quickie in the bathroom. 

"And the Bachelor Party!" Cooper gestures to the rest of the group. They join hands and bow. 

"Encore. Encore!" the crowd chants.

"Sorry," Cooper says. "We have places to go and people to get married."

Several people shout, "Boo," but it's quickly drowned out by catcalls and cheers. Blaine grabs his shirt and they all hop off the stage. 

Charlotte holds the pants out to Blaine. "Need some help?"

He nods.

"Why are you wearing tear away clothes?" Riley asks.

"Pre-show for the AVN awards party." Blaine shrugs. "It seemed like the thing to do."

While Cooper returns the hats, Charlotte gets the pants back on Blaine faster than Kurt would have, especially because Kurt prefers the pants off. 

Sebastian smiles at Riley and hands the hat back. "My friend's getting married. If you want, you can come with me. Then when it's over, we can go back to your place and you can come with me."

"Sure," Riley says quickly. "I just need to get my coat."

Riley returns a moment later looking like a flasher with bare legs sticking out the bottom of his trench coat. Blaine has his shirt and pants back on.

"Let's go," Cooper yells, pointing at the door. 

The strip isn't much farther down the street. Cooper doesn't pause to ask which way to turn. He picks a direction at random, Kurt assumes, because he goes running off to the left.

Abby stops running, puts her hands around her mouth and yells, "Wrong way, Cooper!"

Cooper comes running back. "Paris, Paris, Paris," he chants.

They run the correct way and tourists scatter like pigeons in the park, side-eying them like they're doing something odd. This is Vegas, they can run down the street if they want. If this is the weirdest thing people see here, then they need to do something besides play slots. 

"There it is!" Cooper points at the half size replica of the Eiffel Tower glowing with gold lights. Behind it is the casino. Cooper rushes straight for the automatic doors. 

Kurt's a little surprised when Cooper stops running instead of barreling through the casino at a sprint.

Paris, much to Kurt's surprise, has the queue for the Eiffel Tower tours clearly labeled. The few other casinos Kurt's been in are like The Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Because you can't find the damn door. 

Cooper hurries over to the line. Less than a minute later, he comes back from the ticket desk with a frown on his face. "We need to go to the chapel and speak with an officiant." They walk quickly through the casino, not quiet fast enough to be running, but it's close. 

Kurt is pretty sure they're going in circles, unless Paris has three identical restaurants. His feet are starting to hurt from all the running, but he doesn't care. This is fun, running through the casino looking for the chapel.

Cooper leads them to a place where noticeable spaces between rows of gaming machines branch off in three directions. 

"Einey, meany, miney, mo," Cooper says as he points at each path in turn. He takes two steps down the path he landed on.  

Charlotte grabs his arm and points to a sign. "Chapel's this way." 

They run in the direction of the arrow and arrive at elevators. Cooper pushes the call button and taps his foot impatiently while he waits. The doors open and they all crowd in. 

Sebastian starts humming The Girl From Ipanema and everyone groans.

The instant the doors open, Cooper tears off down the hall to a door with a sign next to it. He yanks on the handle and shrieks when it doesn't open. "Why is it locked?"

"Honey, they close at seven." Charlotte taps the sign next to the door. "And it's way after."

"But..." Cooper trails off and kicks the door, leaving a scuff mark. 

"Very mature," Charlotte says. 

"Now what?" Abby asks.

Cooper shuts his eyes for a moment, his forehead scrunched in concentration. "We're in Vegas, right?" 

Kurt considers. "Yes." Thank god he's not so drunk he forgot where he is. 

"This city has more places to get married than it has Starbucks. I'll rent a limo. We need to find the parking garage!"

They go back the way they came, more or less. With a quick stop for Charlotte to buy a lighter and Sebastian to buy a teddy bear wearing a top hat and a bow tie. Cooper doesn’t comment on Charlotte’s purchase and Kurt doesn’t comment on Sebastian’s, even though he really wants to ask why the cheesy souvenir. They pass the same restaurant two more times before finding the exit to the parking lot. 

Cooper heads for the nearest limo and speaks with the driver. Everyone else hangs back.

Abby and Janice whisper to each other while Charlotte smokes and Riley drapes himself over Sebastian.

Kurt's never been in a limo before. He wants to jump up and down and squee. Jayson Sinn is renting a limo for his wedding. He should have taken out a loan so he could tip Elvis more.

Cooper gestures for the group to join him. "We need to get a license first. No paperwork, no wedding. The driver knows where to go and he's got alcohol in the back. Time to get this party started!"

They pile into the limo. Seats line three sides with a bar and wineglasses along the other. Purple and green lights along the roof give it an unearthly quality. Abby and Janice sit behind the driver, Kurt and Blaine are in the middle with Riley and Sebastian, and Cooper and Charlotte face forward. 

The driver gives them a brief "no-no" list which consists of no standing, no causing so much of a ruckus that it distracts the driver, and no smoking. He explains how to work the radio and how to plug a phone into the music system while he passes around glasses of champagne.

"Put on some music, Charlotte," Blaine says. "I don't have my phone."

Cooper wags his finger back and forth. "I'm financing this, I get to pick."

Blaine sticks his tongue out at his brother.

Holding a hand up over his eyes, Cooper says, "Save it for Kurt."

Blaine turns to Kurt and wiggles his tongue. 

Cooper starts chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss," and Abby joins in.

"Shouldn't you have a fork and a champaign glass if you want them to kiss?" Charlotte asks.

"We don't have forks. And besides, that's for after the wedding," Janice says. "This is before."

"Oh, okay," Kurt says. He leans forward and kisses Blaine, sliding their tongues together. Blaine reaches up to cup Kurt's face with one hand. Everything around them fades away and there's only Blaine. 

Until he gets hit in the cheek with the champaign cork and he jerks back. Kurt picks it up from where it landed on his lap. He's tempted to throw it at Cooper because he's pretty sure Cooper threw it at them in the first place. 

Instead, he gushes, "Thank you, Cooper. I'm going to hold onto this and make it into an ornament so I can always treasure the cork Jayson Sinn threw at me."

"I know what we need to listen to," Sebastian says. He leans over Riley to whisper something in Cooper's ear. 

"Seriously?" Cooper says. 

Sebastian nods, giving Cooper the puppy dog eyes. 

"Fine." Cooper fiddles with the phone and turns up the volume.

Sebastian sings with Meghan Trainor.

Dear future husband

Here's a few things

You'll need to know if you wanna be

My one and only all my life

Kurt yells, "It's our song!" There isn't nearly enough room to do the proper choreography, but he won't let it stop him. He twists to face Sebastian. 

Take me on a date

I deserve a break

And don't forget the flowers every anniversary

'Cause if you'll treat me right

I'll be the perfect wife

Buying groceries

Buy-buying what you need

Dear future husband 

Here's a few things

You'll need to know if you want to be

My one and only all my life

Sebastian and Kurt mimic dancing as best they can while sitting in a limo. It'll give the basic idea, though not the exact performance. 

I'll be sleeping on the left side the bed

Open doors for me and you might get some kisses

Don't have a dirty mind

Just be a classy guy 

Buy me a ring

Buy-buy me a ring

Kurt holds his left hand up and twists it back and forth like in the Single Ladies dance. Everyone is laughing and singing along. He leans his head back on Blaine's shoulder, smiling up at him. "Future husband, better treat me right."

"Does that work?" Cooper asks. "Opening doors and getting head? Because I opened the door for Kurt and he still won't blow me for a movie."

Abby and Janice exchange a "WTF?" look. 

"I won't be in a movie with you. I'm marrying your brother. Knock it off."

"Why is that your song?" Charlotte asks. "Isn't it offensive, or something, that two gay guys are singing about being the perfect wife?"

Kurt turns bright red, he can feel it. "Sebastian and I both sang with an a cappella group at an all boys' high school. We were kinda drunk at a gay club when we heard that song, so we came up with a routine and that's the end of that story." 

"First off, we were wasted," Sebastian says. "Secondly, that's not the end of the story. We knew it would be the shit with a bunch of guys in blazers singing back up. We worked out the choreography, and I gave the DJ twenty bucks to play it again. I sent the video to Wes. He was head of the council."

"What did he think?" Blaine asks.

Sebastian bursts out laughing. "He sent us a bunch of texts - don't text me in the middle of the night, I'm in college. Why are you making up Warbler routines? Kurt transferred back to public school. Regionals is over for the year. My favorite was - what's wrong with you, you both graduated!"

"It's a good routine," Kurt says defensively. "It's criminally unfair we didn't get to perform it in front of a proper audience."

Abby wheeze laughs. "You were so drunk, you forgot you were in college?"

"It was the summer before I started," Sebastian said. "So I wasn't nearly as bad as Kurt who been in college for a year. The guys at the bar thought it was hot. One dude kept trying to get us in a threesome."

Kurt hides his face in his hands. "What? I thought he wanted me to go away so you two could be alone." 

"He wanted to be alone with both of us."

Mortification sets in.

Sebastian gives him an incredulous look. "You're a baby penguin. I hope Blaine knows what he's getting into."

"I know what I'm getting into," Blaine says, putting his arm around Kurt. "We're going to be awesome forever and someday, we'll perform together somewhere besides a gay bar."

"When I hit it big on Broadway," Kurt says, "I'm renting a limo and driving around and singing. We should do this all the time."

"When we get back to New York, let's go on a date. We'll go to a fancy restaurant somewhere way across town in a limo so we can sing the whole way there," Blaine says.

"Gag." Sebastian mimes retching.

"Your idea of a perfect date might be someone who'll leave within five minutes of you having an orgasm. But it doesn't mean that the rest of us need to be so cynical," Kurt says. 

"Burn." Cooper points at Sebastian. 

"Don't worry," Sebastian says, batting his eyes at Riley. "Kurt's exaggerating. I give a guy at least ten minutes to get out."

Everyone laughs, including Riley. 

Sebastian frowns. "Wait a minute. Where did Blaine stay last night?"

"In my room at the Hard Rock," Cooper says.

"Why? I know Kurt's not down with threesomes, but I could have watched."

Kurt nudges Sebastian with the toe of his boot. "He stayed with his brother last night so we could surprise Cooper with the announcement."

"Right," Sebastian says, shaking his head. "I can't believe you're getting married in Vegas."

"My parents got married here," Abby says. "It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, they didn't even have rings or anything, so they got married with rubber bands."

Kurt snorts because it sounds so tacky and it's what he's doing. This is completely out of control. 


	5. Chapter Five

The limo glides to a stop and everyone spills out onto the sidewalk in front of the late night licensing place. A security guard stands next to the front door, arms crossed and watching as everyone exits the limo. "It's kind of chilly out here so you can all go in, but you need to be quiet," he says, holding the door open.

Kurt blinks at the harsh fluorescent lighting. One wall is plexiglass divided into windows with circular speakers in the middle of the glass and slots at the bottom. It reminds him of a bank, especially with the theater ropes marking off the line. The couple at one of the windows are decked out in a tux and white wedding dress. The couple at the window next to them have on jeans and hoodies. At least Kurt doesn't feel quite so out of place.

"Here." Cooper holds out a wallet with a golden snitch embroidered on it. 

"Thanks," Blaine says and takes it. 

Kurt and Blaine queue up at the back. Apparently, they aren't the only couple who decided to get married in the middle of the night and at the last minute. The rest of their group clusters near a bench, a few people sitting while Cooper bounces on his toes. Even from across the room, his voice is loud and clear. "This is so exciting! My little brother is getting married. Right now!"

Out of the corner of Kurt's eye, Cooper is pointing at the two of them.

One of the employees walks over with a stern expression on her face. "I know you're excited about your friend's upcoming wedding, but you need to be quiet."

Cooper turns to Janice, who hasn't said a word. He puts his finger up to his lips. "Shhhh. We need to be quiet." 

Kurt giggles. Cooper is telling other people to be quiet, it's ridiculous.

It doesn't take long for the two of them to get to the front of the line. When it's their turn, a woman wearing earrings made from Barbie shoes gives a half-hearted smile and waves them over. She slides papers through the slot for both of them, followed by two pens. "Please fill these out completely. And I need to see your IDs."

The form asks for all the standard stuff Kurt would expect – name, address, date of birth, Social Security number, and questions about whether or not they've previously been married. 

"Why don't they want to know anything useful?" Blaine asks. "There aren't any questions about whether we're tops or bottoms, how often we want to have sex, or what our kinks are."

Kurt can't imagine the government collecting data on gay sexual practices.

"What if we're both bottoms?" Blaine asks. "How are we supposed to have sex?"

"Your brother is going to give us the dildo. If we're both bottoms, then we can take turns fucking each other with it."

That sounds sexy. Kurt tends to prefer topping, but he does like switching it up once in a while. He figures that whatever Blaine's preferences are, he can be accommodating.

"You do realize that this is a legally binding document you're about to sign, right?" Barbie asks.

"Well, I sure do," Kurt says. "It has to be a legally binding document. That's how we get the dildo."

She pushes another paper through, but doesn't move her hand off of it. "You need to have the officiant sign this and someone needs to turn the paperwork in. Have you two been drinking?" 

"Um, yeah?" Kurt says. "We're in Las Vegas. You drink, gamble, and go to strip clubs. Except for me, I'm gay. I don't want to see naked ladies. Yuck." Kurt glances up briefly at the expression on Barbie's face. "No offense."

"I don't want to look at naked ladies either," she says evenly. "What I'm concerned about is if you two are sober enough to sign these."

"Yes," Kurt and Blaine say at the same time and then they both start laughing.

"I don't know," she says. "I think you both might be too drunk."

Panic skitters over Kurt's nerves. He's definitely too drunk to sign the paper, he feels buzzed. But he and Blaine have to get married, they just have to. He's not sure how one explains to a nice lady that you want your favorite porn star to give you his dildo award so you and the porn star's brother can take turns fucking each other with it.

As a woman, she should appreciate a good quality, pretty dildo. He knows some people get weird about sex toys. Kurt debates the merits of showing it to her, just so she can see how perfect it is.

"Is there a problem here?" Cooper asks, displaying his most charming smile as he sets the dildo on the counter.

Barbie's gaze lands on the toy, as though trying to figure out what to say when a random guy brings a sex toy into your place of business. "You aren't supposed to be here at the desk while I'm helping other people. Privacy and all that." She frowns slightly.

Kurt's sure she's trying to figure out where she recognizes Cooper from. Blaine wasn't kidding about everyone knowing and adoring Cooper.

It's a long-shot, but why the hell not? Kurt gestures to Cooper. "While we're here in Las Vegas, Blaine's brother, Jayson Sinn, would like to see us get married. We're hoping you'll let us sign the papers so we can do that."

Barbie's eyes widen and her mouth drops open in a perfect O. "You're Jayson Sinn?"

"Why, yes, I am. It's always so wonderful to meet a fan," Cooper says.

"Would you sign something for me?" she asks, her expression suddenly sunny and bright. 

"Sure. But not that." Cooper taps the application. "I'm not planning on settling down anytime soon. Too many movies to make and too many fans to thrill."

"Everywhere we go," Blaine says under his breath. "Every fucking where we go. Someone recognizes my brother and wants an autograph."

"You probably haven't seen your brother's movies, but he's seriously sexy in those things," Kurt says.

"Of course I haven't seen him in a porno. He's my brother." Blaine shudders.

Cooper finishes autographing a paper for Barbie.

"Okay, gentlemen," she says. "Here's your paperwork and your drivers licenses. Have a lovely ceremony and a great evening. Thank you for making Las Vegas the destination for your wedding." She slides everything through the slot. 

Blaine snatches the paper and waves it around. "We're getting married!"

The group waiting for them cheers.

Several people shhh them as they head out the door. Blaine tosses his wallet to Cooper. 

The limo driver smiles, his breath ghosting around him in the frosty air. He holds the door open. 

"Can we go to a drive through place?" Cooper asks.

"Sure, I know a drive through chapel," the driver says.

"I meant a drive through for food, but yeah, drive through chapel sounds awesome."

"I'm not getting married in a drive through," Blaine says firmly.

"Some people don't feel a drive through wedding demonstrates the level of importance they'd like to display on their wedding day. If you want fast and fun, I know the perfect place," the driver says.

"How fun?" Cooper asks.

"As much fun as you want. And there's a fantastic bakery just off the strip. I can drop you off near there after the ceremony so you can all have cupcakes."

"Sounds perfect," Cooper says. "Everyone get in the limo."

Kurt can't quite figure out how to get through the door while ducking down so he doesn't hit his head. He frowns. Are cars always this tricky? 

A slap on Kurt's ass sends him sprawling forward onto the floor. "Hey!" 

"Princess," Sebastian says, "you have the best ass ever, but I'm freezing my nuts off. Shift it."

Kurt pulls himself up enough to sit on a seat. 

"That's my ass now," Blaine says as he sits next to Kurt.

"So possessive," Charlotte says. 

"You know it, baby.”

"Off to the chapel!" Cooper yells.

"I can't believe you're getting married before Rachel," Sebastian says.

"I know," Kurt says, "I thought for sure she'd marry my brother way before I tied the knot.”

A chime from Kurt's phone announces a text. He pulls it out of his pocket.

From Elliot - What'd you win with the twenty?

Kurt holds up his phone in front of Blaine. "Smile!" Blaine smiles and Kurt taps the phone. He sends the picture to Elliot. 

A long pause. 

From Elliot - If I ask how you won a guy with twenty bucks, are you going to answer with something illegal? 

From Kurt - No, but you'll never guess who's here.

From Kurt - come on and guess

From Elliot - Lady Gaga? 

From Kurt - better

From Elliot - there's someone you think is better than Lady Gaga?

Kurt holds the phone up again. "Cooper, can you pose with the dildo for a picture? My friend is going to faint."

"Sure." Cooper smiles, holding the dildo with one hand and gesturing to it with the other like a game show host. 

A few more taps and Kurt sends the picture. 

From Elliot - What in the name of fuck are you doing with Jayson Sinn?!?!

From Kurt - You'll never believe me. I'll tell you when I get home. ;)

An idea pops into Kurt's head. "I should send a picture to Rachel. Pics or it didn't happen!"

Sebastian takes the phone, holds it up, and taps the screen several times.

"Get some of them kissing," Riley says.

Blaine climbs on Kurt's lap. The kissing is hot and heavy for in front of others, Blaine's hands are everywhere, stroking and touching. Kurt becomes aware of how hard they both are and pushes Blaine back. "We need to cool down." Kurt hates being a cockblocking killjoy, but he's not having an orgasm in front of his favorite porn star and lesbians.

Twisting a bit, Blaine slides off while keeping his legs across Kurt's lap. 

"I sent Rachel three pictures," Sebastian says. "She must be asleep, cuz there's no way she wouldn't call you after that."

Cooper passes the champagne around again. 

Blaine eyes his glass. He takes a swig from the bottle, champagne leaking out the side of his mouth. 

It brings up a vivid image of something else leaking out the side of Blaine's mouth. 

Cooper throws Charlotte's pack of cigarettes at Blaine. "I can't take you anywhere! Kurt, do something."

Kurt licks the side of Blaine's mouth where champagne glistens on his skin. "Yum," Kurt says and he kisses Blaine. 

"Don't mess up my cigarettes, you asshole," Charlotte says.

"Stop smoking," Cooper says. "There. Problem solved."

Charlotte rolls her eyes. "I'd like to see how you act if someone gets between you and the coffee first thing in the morning.”

"She's got you there, Cooper. You act crazier than I do when I can't get coffee."  
Blaine laughs and tosses the cigarettes back. 

Charlotte catches the box and tucks it back in her strap.

"Kurt's the worst," Sebastian says, holding his arms up limply and tilting his head. "He's a zombie, but instead of brains, it's mochaaaaaaaaa."

Cooper sticks his tongue out at Blaine and Kurt flashes on the movie in which James Bondage uses rimming as an interrogation technique. Kurt's certain that getting tied up and rimmed would cause him to spill all his secrets, especially if he's getting edged into confessing. 

Sebastian snorts loudly. "Je sais que vous envisagez de le faire." (I know you're thinking about getting up on that.) 

So fucking annoying. Kurt needs to focus on something else, but his mind wanders to Blaine holding the iridescent glitter dildo and whispering in his ear that he wants to fuck Kurt with it. 

Sebastian laughs at Kurt. 

"Shut up," Kurt says.

"Make me."

"That sounds dirty," Cooper says.

"What are you, twelve?" Blaine asks. 

Abby smiles. "I can't believe we're listening to James Bondage talk about dirty talk.”

"As long as it gets me laid, I don't even care," Janice says and then turns bright red. "I think I've had too much to drink and I should shut up."

"I could make you," Abby says, waggling her eyebrows.

"Gross," Sebastian says.

Kurt glares at Sebastian. "Don't be rude."

"Yeah, whatever your name is," Cooper says, "I could definitely hear some more about how Abby wants to shut Janice up."

"You know the names of two random girls, but not the name of your brother's fiancé's best friend? I'm going to stop watching your movies."

Kurt snorts loudly. Jayson Sinn is Sebastian's all time, number one favorite performer and he seriously doubts that his friend will stop watching Cooper's movies just because Cooper likes lesbians. 

"Really? I have a new one going into post production soon. It's called The Man With The Golden Dildo. James gets a golden vibrating bullet with his name on it." Cooper leans closer. "I get tied to a table with the bullet in my ass and they see how many times I can come to test how strong it is. It's a continuous shot. Wanna guess how many times I came before I genuinely begged for them to stop?"

A whimper is Sebastian's only answer. Kurt knows Sebastian won't miss James doing multiple forced orgasms. Oh dear god, that would be hot, James tied up and begging while he comes over and over and over. 

Kurt won't be able to watch Cooper's movie with Blaine because that would be weird, but he's going to have to find a way to sneak off from his husband with the dildo and some lube when the movie is available.

Dan Savage says married people get to take one or two secrets to the grave and this is going to be Kurt's. When Blaine meets Finn, Kurt doesn't want to know if his husband is lusting after his brother.

Kurt's porn collection is on the small side and it's mostly stuff starring Jayson Sinn. How can he find out what kind of porn Blaine likes so he can download some similar stuff? Kurt can't be all, "I like watching your brother rim a guy into confessing. It gets me off every single time." He always edges himself while watching it, stopping when James dose and not coming until the guy in the movie has an orgasm. 

He gets harder and it's starting to hurt and, holy shit, he needs to think about something else. Kurt remembers the year he lived in the loft and he accidentally walked in on Rachel masturbating, she’d had her legs spread and a large black dildo up her cooch, thrusting it in and out and her legs were shaking...and that does the trick. He no longer feels like he's going to bust the zipper of his pants with his dick. 

Riley snorts. "I'm watching it. After meeting you, it'll just make it ten times hotter."

"Thank you," Cooper says. 

"Yep, totally," Abby says. "Going to make it hotter.

The limo stops and Kurt peers out the window. An enormous sign out front of the chapel has a picture of a couple getting married by Elvis with a Vulcan, a knight, a showgirl, and a hippie in attendance. The words Themed Weddings and Themed Rooms glitter in sparkly lights. A smaller sign near it reads Congratulations Marianne and Alex. Below it stands a couple posing for pictures. 

It wouldn't be noteworthy, Kurt's seen at least a dozen couples in wedding attire, except the girl is dressed up as a zombie and the guy is Ash Williams from Army of Darkness. He even has a chainsaw instead of a right arm.

"You can do a theme wedding!" Cooper yells, pointing at the sign.

"What kind of a theme wedding?" Blaine asks hesitantly. 

"You like performing and Kurt's an actor. What's your favorite movie? And don't say a Disney Princess movie. You'd be able to pull off Prince Eric, but Kurt would make a horrible red-head. Although, Kurt can be Belle and you can be the beast."

"I'm not a girl," Kurt says.

"Duh. Blaine likes hung guys, not girls." Cooper bites his lower lip. "How hung are you? For when we make a movie, I mean."

"You'll never know," Blaine says, putting his arm around Kurt. "And my favorite movie is Harry Potter, all of them."

"Please dress them up as Hogwarts students for the wedding," Sebastian says, laughing. "We can get Professor Dumbledore to officiate."

Arms crossed, Kurt says, "I'm not dressing up as a kid to get married. Creepy, much?"

"Why don't we go inside and see what's available before we make definite plans," Charlotte says diplomatically. 

The group follows Cooper through the door. 

It's elegant inside. Kurt assumed it would be poorly lit with fake flowers. Instead, two velvet couches face the counter. Either the flowers in the crystal vases on the end tables are real or they're the best artificial ones Kurt's ever seen. Tea light candles flicker in glass holders. The place has a small dose of cheese, what with the posters of celebrities on the wall, but it wasn't nearly as horrible as Kurt feared.

A girl, who looks way too young to be working this late at night, waves as they enter. Her smile falters as Cooper sets the dildo on the counter. "Hi, I'm Leslie. What can I help you with?"

"These two gentlemen want to get married," Cooper says loudly, pointing at Blaine and then Kurt. 

"Stop with the yelling and pointing," Blaine hisses.

"It's method acting," Cooper says. "You'll be thankful for all these tips when you graduate in a few months."

"Are you interested in getting married right now, or are you planning for a future date?" Leslie asks, sounding a little frantic. "We have many traditional and theme options to choose from. When you want to get married will affect what’s available." Leslie gives the group one of those ‘do I know you from somewhere’ looks. 

But she doesn't ask Cooper why he seems familiar. If anything, she's looking at Kurt. 

"What can we do tonight?" Cooper asks.

While Cooper speaks with Leslie, Kurt wanders over to one of the posters. He realizes that the poster isn't actually a picture of Michael Jackson, it's a celebrity impersonator dressed like Michael Jackson to perform at your wedding. Kurt examines the other posters. You can have Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, the Blues Brothers, or Tom Jones officiate your ceremony. It looks like you can also have a beach theme, the 60s, disco, or medieval. And zombies. 

Flipping open a binder, Leslie says, "Elvis is available in fifteen minutes. Michael Jackson, Tom Jones, and Marilyn Monroe will all have some space in about a half  
an hour. Fifties, sixties, and seventies are always available. Our zombie minister just finished a ceremony, so he's good to go."

"Can we get married by Lady Gaga?" Kurt asks. "She can sing Mary the Night." That sounds magical.

"No,” Blaine says. “We should get married by Katy Perry and have her sing Teenage Dream."

Kurt does a double take when he sees Dr. Frank-n-Furter go by wearing the black cape with the silver lining. His makeup is exquisite. “You look amazing,” Kurt says.

"All hail the queen, bitches," Frankie says as he does a princess wave.

"Frankie’s one of our most popular choices. Riffraff and Magenta sing 'There's a Light' during the candle lighting ceremony," Leslie says. 

Kurt bursts out laughing. He can't decide if getting married by Frankie and an assortment of characters from Rocky Horror would be really, really cool or really, really terrible.

"What movies do you do?" Cooper asks.

"Our most popular movie options are The Blues Brothers and Blue Hawaii with Elvis officiating. And before you ask, Frankie is booked tonight."

A smile spreads across Cooper's face. "Can we do James Bondage?"

"We have an awesome James Bond package and the Bond girls sing Diamonds Are Forever."

"No James Bond," Blaine says.

Cooper ignores him. "Bondage. James Bondage. You know, like the porn star."

Leslie wrinkles her nose. "I don't discuss my porn watching habits or lack there of at work. I assume he looks like James Bond?"

"Much hotter."

"Okaaaaaay," she says. "We can have our James Bond call himself James Bondage. Would that work?"

"Can the Bond girls sing S & M by Rhianna?" Cooper asks. "That's more James Bondage's speed."

Leslie shrugs. "I can ask. I don't know what James Bondage wears, but we might be able to use some of the Rocky Horror and showgirl costumes.”

"I don't want to get married by James Bondage," Blaine says. "Seriously. It's not that hard."

"Ha!" Kurt says. "You think this is hard? Try singing a fourteen and a half minute Celine Dion medley in French while standing on your head to practice your breath control. That's hard!"

Leslie gasps, staring at Kurt with heart eyes. Why is she looking at him like that? A sinking sensation settles in his stomach.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. You're Kurt Hummel!" Leslie screams. "I want to have your babies."

"I'm gay," Kurt says immediately. "A hundred and ten percent gay. And I'm getting married. To a boy.”

"I totally and completely respect that. But when you're ready, can I be your surrogate?"

"What's going on here?" Charlotte asks.

"This is Kurt Hummel,” Leslie says in a tone that implies everyone is an idiot for not knowing who he is.

Charlotte shrugs. “I got nothing.”

Leslie lets out a huffing breath. “He’s the most amazing cheerleader ever. My coach made us watch videos of McKinley's routines over and over. Not that I'm minded, because Kurt is so sexy. Brittany Pierce isn't here by any chance, is she?" Leslie looks around hopefully, as though Brittany might be hiding behind the rest of the group. 

Sebastian snickers loudly. "Did you guys hear that? We have a celebrity with us. I had no idea. Can I have your autograph?"

"Shut up," Kurt hisses. 

"Cooper, can you hand me your sharpie?" Sebastian asks. 

Wordlessly, Cooper hands it over. Sebastian yanks off his shirt and holds the pen out to Kurt. 

"I'm going to write ‘bitch’ in giant letters." Kurt uncaps the pen.

Sebastian poses like Superman, fists on his hips and puffing his chest out. "Close enough." 

"You were a cheerleader?" Blaine asks.

"He wasn't *a* cheerleader, he was *the* cheerleader. And Sue Sylvester is a goddess," Leslie says dreamily.

Kurt chokes on air. "Um, yeah, Coach Sue is-" completely bat-shit crazy "-great."

"We could do a cheer wedding!" Leslie says.

Cooper perks up. "You have a bunch of cheerleaders hiding around here?"

"No," Leslie says. "But if I call my cheer team, I can get all of them here within an hour."

"This late on a Saturday?" Abby asks. 

"If I tell them Kurt Hummel is here, then yes."

“Can they sing Mickey by Toni Basil?” Sebastian asks.

"Anything Kurt wants."

"That does it," Kurt mutters. He writes "Kurt Hummel is a BAMF" across Sebastian’s chest.

Sebastian glances down. "Nice," he says with a laugh. "I’m going to get it tattooed so every guy I sleep with will know I met the one and only Kurt Hummel."

Everyone studies Kurt. Their stares crawl across his skin and he fights the urge to fidget. 

Leslie leans her elbows on the desk and her chin in her hands. "What kind of a wedding do you want? I'll make it happen. I only work here part time to help my brother out, but he owes me a favor. And when you and your lovely husband are ready for kids...."

"How old are you?" Kurt blurts out. She seems nice enough and if he's going to make it big on Broadway, he'll have to deal with fans. But it's creepy for a young girl to talk about the two of them having babies.

"I turned eighteen today. I was bummed they wanted me to work tonight, but this is the best birthday ever."

"I want something classy for my last minute marriage," Kurt says evenly.

"Can we do a western theme?” Sebastian asks. "I want to have Kurt wear a dress and put a pillow under it so he looks pregnant. I get to hold the shotgun!"

"No," Cooper says, his eyes lighting up. "We put Blaine in the dress and I hold the shotgun."

"I'm not a girl!" Kurt says through gritted teeth.

"Right, but if you get to be a princess, you'd be the girl. Can we do a medieval? Kurt can be a prince, if he won't be a princess," Sebastian says. 

“Don’t I get a say in this?" Blaine asks. "I’m one of the grooms."

"Can we do costumes?" Sebastian asks, "I have the perfect idea."

"Sure, we have lots of great costume options," Leslie says.

Smiling, Sebastian leans on the desk. "I see you do movie themes and I know Kurt and Blaine would love a fairy tale wedding. Any chance Peter Cook can officiate?"

"Ooooh, excellent choice." She claps her hands together, bouncing up and down. 

Sebastian smirks and Cooper high-fives him. 

Kurt needs to know why. 

The name drifts through Kurt's mind trying to find something to connect to. "Darling, who exactly is Peter Cook?" Sebastian has to know Kurt is pissed. 

"He's a priest." Sebastian says smugly. 

Kurt opens his mouth to inform Sebastian there is no way in fuck is he getting married by a priest. He doesn't believe in god and even if he did, he wouldn't go with the Catholics. Before he can build up a proper verbal smack down, Cooper claps his hands together. 

"You, my dear Kurtie, are getting married by the priest from the Princess Bride. Or maybe he’s a bishop."

"I'm the man in black," Blaine says instantly. Then he pauses. "I mean, if it's okay with you, Kurt."

"Only if I get to wear a tiara," Kurt says. 

Blaine smiles. "As you wish."

Kurt melts inside. How romantic is that? And then it turns dirty. Suck my cock, Blaine. As you wish. Ride me like a racehorse. As you wish. Fuck me with the dildo. As you wish.

"I'm Inigo Montoya. I need a sword." Sebastian pulls an imaginary sword out of an imaginary scabbard. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!" everyone yells. 

"You know you want to be Princess Buttercup," Sebastian says.

Of course Kurt does. She gets Cary Elwes. He even mostly dies and comes back because it’s true love. Who doesn't want that?


	6. Chapter Six

This is it. In a few moments, Kurt is going to get married. Legally.

"Can I borrow the dildo for a moment?" Sebastian asks, holding his hand out. 

Leslie's eyes widen, but she doesn't ask why they have a dildo or why Sebastian wants to borrow it. 

Kurt has no such restraint. "Why do you want the dildo?"

"I'm going to borrow it for a minute and give it right back. It's not like I'm going to sneak off to the restroom for a quickie with it."

"If you do, can I watch?" Riley asks. 

"As soon as we get this over with, you can watch me do anything you want." Sebastian winks. 

Leslie pales and her smile turns brittle.

Cooper hands Sebastian the dildo. "I promised Kurt that he gets this as a wedding present, so don't damage it. I'm pretty sure Kurt will kick me in the crotch if I let it get wrecked."

"He'll kick you in the face, but yeah," Sebastian says.

"That flexible, huh." Cooper frowns. "Are you absolutely sure you don't want to be a Bondage Boy? I have the best idea ever. James Bondage ties your wrists and ankles to the head board and fucks you."

"That's not a plot," Abby says. "That's one sex scene. Why does James tie him up? What does it mean?"

"It means that everyone gets a great look at his asshole while I fuck him," Cooper says proudly.

"Hey," Blaine yells, "Only I get to look at Kurt's asshole."

Sebastian smirks at Kurt. "I’d watch Cooper fuck you, I could jerk off to that."

"Me, too," Riley says. 

"I could," Abby adds.

"Aren't you a lesbian?" Riley asks.

"I don't want to have sex with Cooper, I just want to get off while he has sex."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I don't care," Abby says. 

"Me either," Janice adds.

“We have a jacket fit for a prince or a princess Buttercup dress,” Leslie interrupts. “I know you said you're not a princess, but just so you have all the information about your choices. You can wear a tiara either way. Or we have crowns."

“I'll take the jacket and a crown.“

“Wait a minute, does that make me Prince Humperdink?” Cooper asks. 

“Yes,” Abby says.

"So, Kurt, do you have a preference for who is going to stand where?" Leslie asks.

"Blaine and Kurt stand at the front and everyone else watches?" Charlotte says. "What? I don't know what you do at a wedding."

"I'm the best man," Cooper insists.

"No, I'm the best man, your the maid of honor," Sebastian says.

"There's no girls so we don't need a maid of honor," Kurt says. "I was always going to have Sebastian be my best man."

"I thought you wanted Rachel to be your best woman."

"She was going to be a groomswoman and you were always going to stand next to me," Kurt says.

"I didn't know you love me so much.” Sebastian turn away from Kurt.

"Who said anything about love?" Kurt demands.

"Alright then," Leslie says. "So, the four of you are going to stand up front?"

"I can't be the girl," Cooper insists. "Everyone knows I have a ginormous dick."

Blaine rolls he eyes. "I cannot believe you just said. Conceited much?"

"He isn't being conceited," Sebastian says without turning around. "Seriously, if you watched any of his movies, you know.” 

Leslie squints her eyes at Cooper, like she's trying to place where she recognizes him from. "What have you been in? You look kind of familiar."

"I'm an international man of mystery," Cooper says. "And sex."

"You play one on TV. You aren't actually an international man of mystery," Blaine says.

"I'm James Bondage."

Leslie shrugs, looking confused. “So, you’re a porn star? Good for you, I guess. Or something.”

“You don’t know who my brother is?" Blaine asks.

“Should I?”

“You’re my favoritist person in the whole world,” Blaine says. “But I love you best.” He leans forward and kisses Kurt. 

Janice and Abby says, “Awww."

“Can I be Kurt’s best man?” I like him better,” Cooper says. 

"Oh my god. If you do not knock this shit off, Charlotte can be the best woman and you can go fuck your self with one of the candle holders,” Blaine says.

Cooper looks at the one nearest to him as if trying to decide if it would fit. It's at least three and half inches across, if not more.

"Maybe." Cooper wraps his fist around the holder, stroking it a few times.

Kurt gets dirty thoughts about Cooper doing that to one of the Bondage Boys.

"Yeah, I can take this. I'd need a lot of lube, but totally."

"Are we going to have a ceremony?" Leslie asks weakly.

"Yes, sorry. We've been drinking. But not so much that we can't have a wedding," Cooper adds quickly.

"I have the present, so I get to be the best man," Sebastian says. He holds up Cooper's oral sex dildo award which is now wearing the teddy bear's top hat and bow tie.

Cooper bursts out laughing. "I didn't think you could make that any cooler, but I was wrong. Since I'm giving the dildo as a wedding present, it makes me the best man."

Charlotte glowers at Sebastian and Cooper. "You seriously need stop fighting about which one of you is the girl. That's insulting. Girls are awesome. I can have orgasms all night. That's something you and your dick will never be able to do."

Cooper bows, holding out his hand to her. "I meant no disrespect m'lady. I did not intend to insult you or your gender."

"I'll forgive you this one time, but it's only because you know that if we throw down, I can kick your ass into next week."

Blaine nods several times. "She can definitely kick ass into next week. Probably mine too, even though I box."

Kurt's mouth goes dry. Blaine wearing boxing shorts and a tank top, sweaty from working out drifts into his mind. All those muscles flexing as he pounds the bag then drags Kurt into the shower and pounds him against the wall.

“Let's get you gentlemen dressed.” Leslie claps her hands. 

"I can take pictures with your phone, Kurt,” Janice says. “And I’ll hold the dildo.”

"Great idea." Kurt hands her his phone and then gives his ring to Cooper who hands the dildo off to Janice. 

Blaine holds his ring out to Sebastian. 

Everyone heads off to their respective dressing rooms and Kurt and Sebastian meet back in the lobby a few minutes later. Sebastian looks hot in his costume; tight pants and Kurt's name peeking out the open V of his billowy shirt. "Look at you," Sebastian says and he makes a theatrical bow.

Kurt does a twirl. He left his own pants and boots on, only adding a doublet in red and gold brocade with puffy sleeves and a crown. He feels a little silly, but he won’t let that stop him.

Sebastian places a hand on both sides of Kurt's face and rests his forehead against Kurt's. "If anyone deserves a fairytale, it's you."

The intense look in Sebastian's eyes concerns Kurt. "You're not going to declare you undying love for me and say I should marry you instead, are you?" Kurt asks jokingly. Sebastian better not.

"No. I love you and I'd die for you, but we're so much better as best friends."

"I love you, too."

Sebastian smiles. “Prince Kurt, may I have to honor of escorting you down the aisle?”

Kurt curtsies. “You may, kind sir.” He holds his arm out and Sebastian loops his around Kurt’s and they walk to where Leslie is waiting with flowers.

Leslie hands Kurt the bouquet and gestures for them to follow her. "I'll let you know when to start. Blaine is waiting for you." She has them stand where Kurt can't see through the open door.

Music from The Princess Bride begins playing.

When the main theme begins, Leslie whispers, “Now.“

Kurt steps into the room, the bouquet of flowers clutched in one hand and his arm through Sebastian's. Blaine wears the man in black outfit, complete with a mask and a sword. Cooper has an enormous grin and is dressed like prince Humperdink in pale blue with a silver crown.

The words "Mine is bigger" are on the tip of Kurt's tongue, but he bites them back. Cooper will think he means dicks and not crowns and might whip his out to determine who's is biggest.

The walk down the aisle stretches out as they slowly go past several rows of empty chairs. Abby and Janice are in the front, grinning and they have phones out for pictures. Charlotte wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and Riley smiles. Kurt walks with Sebastian up two steps and join Blaine and Cooper.

Smoke rolls across the stage. At the back, a navy blue curtain lifts up revealing a priest with ridiculously fake sideburns and wearing a cream and gold miter and robe and he’s holding a mic. He strides forward to stand near Kurt and Blaine.

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…. And wuv, twu wuv, will fowow you foweva…. So tweasuwe youw wuv."

Kurt can't help but giggle. It's better than getting teary-eyed wanting to cry, so he'll roll with it. 

"Do you, Dwead Pwiate Bwain take Pwince Kwert to be youw lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold fwom this day fowward, fow wicher ow fow powew, in sickness and in heawth, tiw death do you pawt, knowing that death cannot stop twu wuv, only delay it fow a wittle whiwe?"

"As you wish," Blaine says.

When it's Kurt's turn, he gives the same answer. “As you wish.”

“And now fow the wings.”

The two best men hand rings to their groom. 

"Say with this wing, I thee wed," the priest continues.

"With this ring, I thee wed," Blaine says, as he slides the ring on Kurt's finger.

Blaine's ring goes on with ease. "With this ring, I thee wed."

“Will the two best men step fowward.”

Cooper and Sebastian, identical grins on their faces, move to center stage and take the mic. Kurt immediately recognizes Storybook Love. 

Come my love I'll tell you a tale,

Of a boy and girl

And their love story.

And how he loved her oh so much,

and all the charms she did possess

Now this did happen once upon a time,

When things were not so complex.

And how he worshiped the ground she walked,

And when he looked he became obsessed.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

Blaine shifts closer, putting his hands on Kurt's hips, his fingers gripping like he never wants to let go. Kurt isn't sure what to do with the bouquet so he hands it to Cooper. They dance in a slow circle, Blaine occasionally spinning Kurt around.

And he said:

"Don't you know I love you oh, so much,

and lay my heart at the foot of your dress.”

And she said:

"Don't you know that storybook loves,

Always have a happy ending."

Then he swooped her up just like in the books

And on his stallion they rode away.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

“This is twu wuv. You think this happens evewy day? Not even death can stop tru wov. Then by the powa vested in me by the countwy of Floren and the state of Nevada, I now pwonounce you spouses for life. Since the invention of the kiss thewe have been five kisses wated the most passionate, the most puwe. Make this a good one and leave them all behind. You may kiss youw husband.”

Blaine’s hands cup Kurt’s face. 

Kurt leans forward, wrapping his arms around Blaine and presses their lips together. He's always assumed that a kiss at a wedding should be somewhat chaste. A wedding kiss is not the time to try and eat each other's faces off. So it comes as a bit of a surprise to Kurt when Blaine pushes his tongue between Kurt's lips.

He should probably care that the kiss is getting intense.

A wolf whistle from Sebastian finally causes Kurt to pull back form his husband. Oh dear god, does that sound really fucking weird. His husband. Their nearest and dearest and new favorite strangers are cheering clapping.

Kurt stands at the front of the room trying to figure out what he's supposed to do next. In a traditional wedding ceremony, the bride and groom would greet all of their guests. This, however, is not a typical wedding ceremony

Abby and Janice continue taking pictures. 

"Can we take a few fun pictures?" Sebastian asks. 

Cooper yells, "We should totally do that." Turning on the charm, Cooper beams at Leslie. "I would be happy to pay extra. And Kurt will love it.”

"Okay, but only if I get to take a picture with Kurt," Leslie says.

Cooper gets everyone posed for a bunch of ridiculous pictures. Kurt and Blaine both wearing bridal veils. Kurt and Sebastian standing up at the front, Kurt in a top hat and Sebastian in the bridal veil doing a stage kiss. Abby and Janice in the top hats, arms around each other and huge grins on their faces. 

There are pictures of Kurt and Blaine kissing. A picture of Blaine holding Kurt bridal style, Kurt waving his crown. Several pictures of Kurt and Blaine holding the dildo. Everyone laughs and has a wonderful time. 

Despite Cooper's puppydog eyes, Kurt flat out refuses to pose for pregnant shotgun wedding photos. 

"I'm throwing the bouquet" Kurt announces. "Whoever catches it is going to be the next to get married." He chucks it at Sebastian's face, who grabs it on instinct. Everyone laughs.

"Fuck you," Sebastian says to Kurt. He throws the bouquet at Kurt's head.

Kurt catches it easily. "No can do. I'm married. The only person I get to fuck and who gets to fuck me now is my husband."

"I cannot believe you got married." Sebastian laughs. "Weirdest. Vacation. Ever."

“And now we get to do one more set of pictures,” Leslie says. “Lets go outside.”

The smaller sign now reads Congratulations Kurt and Blaine!

At least Kurt gets top billing. He and Blaine smile and kiss for pictures. Sebastian hands Kurt his weapon and the newlyweds sword fight for a few minutes. 

Leslie poses with Kurt, her grin blinding. Blaine and Kurt sign the marriage license before everyone changes back into their own clothes.

"You should send a picture to Rachel," Sebastian says. "She is going to have kittens when she realizes you got married and she wasn't here."

Kurt holds his hand out for his phone and Janice gives it back. He scrolls back through the pictures, searching for the perfect one. He accidentally goes to far and comes across the picture of Sebastian pretending to propose. 

A completely evil idea occurs to Kurt. He selects the only picture where Kurt doesn't look like he wants to kick Sebastian's face while he's proposing. He also chooses the wedding picture in which Kurt and Sebastian are stage kissing. In this one, Blaine is turned towards Cooper so it almost looks more like they are a couple. Kurt adds the caption "Having lots of fun in Vegas" and taps the send button. He starts giggling and can't stop.

Sebastian gives him one of those looks. "What did you do?"

Kurt laughs even harder. "I sent Rachel a picture of you proposing and a picture looks like the two of us just got married. We'll be able to hear her scream from New York.”

"Give me that." Sebastian snatches the phone, taps the screen a few times, and smirks. 

"Do I want to know what you did?" 

"I sent Rachel a picture of you and Blaine making out. Then one where it looks like you're about to have sex right in front of all of us."

Kurt rolls his eyes. Rachel has seen him making out with guys before. That isn't going to bother her in the slightest.

"It looks like I accidentally opened up a group chat and sent some pictures to Brittany and Elliot and I don't even know," Sebastian says.

"Whatever. I would have to tell them I've gotten married anyway."

Cooper finishes settling the bill with Leslie and yells, "We need cake!”

“Have fun storming the castle boys!” Leslie calls as the leave.

"Think it'll work?" Sebastian says over his shoulder.

"It'll take a miracle!" Leslie shouts as the group heads out the door.

They all pile back in the limo, the driver offering congratulations as he holds open the door for everybody. "When you get inside, a fresh bottle of is champagne open and glasses have been poured."

Cooper gives the dildo to Kurt, raises his glass, and says, "L'chaim! Mazel Tov!"

"We're not Jewish" Blaine says. "We don't even have any relatives who might be Jewish. Besides, I think Mazel Tov is what you say someone becomes a man."

"In that case," Cooper says before starting to sing, "In just seven days, and six long nights, Kurt can make you a man."

Crossing his arms, Blaine glares. "That's not what it means."

"But I bet it'll take at least that long. Fine," Cooper grumbles. "To life."

Everyone does the same and says, "To life." Except for Sebastian, who says, "To sex."

"Welcome to the family," Cooper says. He lays down with his head in Kurt's lap, batting his eyes. 

Blaine shoves Cooper. "That lap belongs to me." 

Cooper slides off Kurt and lands on the floor. 

"The dildo better not get kicked. Blaine's fucking me with it tonight."

"You too just got married," Riley says, "and you're going to have your husband fuck you with the dildo instead of his dick?"

"The dildo is pretty," Blaine says, "and it will be extra pretty going in and out his ass."

Sebastian high-fives Blaine. 

Kurt is glad they get along. It would be horrible if best friend and husband didn't like each other. But he's not sure he likes them high-fiving about sex. He imagines Blaine opening the bedroom door in the morning, seeing Sebastian in the hallway, and saying, "I got laid last night." And then they fist bump.

"Okey-dokey," Charlotte says.

"Don't buy into the heteronormative bullshit that sex is only a penis going into a vagina," Blaine says.

Tonight is going to be a completely awesome because Kurt and his husband are going back to the hotel room so they can have sex with the dildo.

They arrive at their destination much faster than Kurt expects. The group exits the limo on the strip near The Flamingo, pausing long enough for Cooper to pay the driver, and then they go running down the street towards the cupcake place.

A couple walks past, a girl in a white dress and veil and a guy in a suit. 

"Congratulations," Blaine yells. "We just got married too," he holds up his hand, showing off the pink ring.

The newlyweds wave. "Congratulations!" 

The sweet sent of baked goods hangs in the air and makes his mouth water as Kurt enters the cupcake shop. A few people are queued up by the counter as they get in line.

"You two just get married?" The guy in front of them asks. 

Kurt beams. "Yes, we just made it official and now we need cake to make it extra official.” He adjusts his scarf so the dildo remains hidden.

"It's not official until you smash cake in each other's faces," Charlotte says, grinning wickedly. 

Sebastian laughs. "Oh my god, Blaine. Please do it! I want to watch Kurt wrestle you to the ground and pin you for trying to get cake on his face. That would be super hot."

"You could take Blaine?" Cooper asks. "What about me?"

Kurt nods because he can take both of them. Maybe not at the same time, though. During his brief stint as a cheerleader, his psycho coach had all her Cheerios take personal defense lessens. Getting hurt was never an excuse to miss practice. Deep down, Kurt suspects Sue actually cares about her cheerleaders, even if she has a weird way of showing it. Between that and the aikido, Kurt can take care of himself.

"Please be a Bondage Boy! I'll even let you fight me for real and you can fuck me when you win. Please? That'll sell more copies than The Spy Who Fucked Me, Repeatedly."

"Hey!" Blaine yells.

"I just married your brother. I'm not fucking you."

Charlotte coughs. "You do realize that you are having a conversation about who should fuck who in a cupcake store that has people who don't want to hear it, right?"

Everyone looks around guiltily. 

Cooper points at Charlotte. “But this is Sin City and I'm Jayson Sinn!”

The guy in front of them gasps and whirls around. "You are! Can you sign something for me?"

 

“Sure!” 

Blaine bangs his head against the pillar near the cupcake display. "Every single person wants my brother. Every. Single. Person. "

"Not me," Kurt says.

“Tu es tellement mécontent,” Sebastian says. (You're so full of shit.)

Kurt's mouth forms a thin line. “Tais-toi.” (Shut up.)

“Faîtes-moi.” (Make me.)

“Je peux vous faire taire.” (Please, I can make you shut up.)

Allez-y et essayez-le. Nous verrons qui gagne.” (Go a head and try it, we'll see who wins.)

"What the hell are you two saying?" Charlotte demands.

“Nothing. We yell at each other in French all the time.” Kurt glares at Sebastian. “Tu ferais mieux de dormir avec un œil ouvert.” (You better sleep with one eye open.)

Blaine laughs. "That's so cool! Can you speak to me in French tonight?”

"You have to be a Bondage Boy,” Cooper whines. You can tie me up and do anything you want while you speak French. I've got it. Tie my up and fuck my mouth. That'd be perfect."

"No," Kurt says. "I just got married. Like less than twenty minutes ago, just got married. I'm not having sex with you. Knock it the fuck off."

Sebastian raises his eyebrows. “Êtes-vous fou?” (Are you crazy?)

Kurt holds up his hand in a "stop" gesture. "Drop it."

"Fine," Sebastian huffs, throwing his hands up in the air. "I give up."

"Ha!" Kurt yells. "You hear the everyone? I win." He raises his arms up in a V for victory. 

The girl behind the counter is waving at him. Oops. Apparently the line moved while they were talking. "What kind of cupcake do you want?" 

"These two gentlemen just got married and we need cupcakes," Cooper says, pointing at the bakery case. 

"I have just the thing," the girl says. She turns around, rummages through a drawer, and holds up two sets of grooms on picks, two with black hair and two with brown. “I can put one set on each of the cupcakes for the grooms.”

“I love you,” Cooper says.

“I love you, too,” the girl responds.

Sebastian lets out an exasperated sigh. “Just pick a cupcake.”

“I'll take a pink champagne cupcake," Kurt says loudly, trying to change the subject. 

"Me, too," Blaine says. 

The girl pulls two out and sticks a brunette and a black haired plastic groom on both cupcakes. 

Everyone else places their orders and Cooper requests two.

They gab their desserts and heads outside. It's not as loud and much less crowded. 

"Cake in the face or are you going to eat both of those?” Charlotte asks. "As a performer who's naked in most of your scenes, I'd think you'd want to watch your weight."

"And I think you should stop smoking."

"They sound like me and Kurt," Sebastian mumbles. 

Kurt laughs because everyone says that he and Sebastian sound like an old married couple. 

Sebastian says, "I'm so happy for you." He leans forward and kisses Kurt briefly. 

No one freaks out or even says anything and Kurt knows it's going to be okay. Blaine and Sebastian can be friends. Kurt imagines movie night - leaning against Blaine while Sebastian rubs his feet. Total and complete bliss. 

Cooper rolls his eyes. "One of the cupcakes is for the newlyweds to smash in each other's faces. Seriously. Chosen career or not, I can't eat two cupcakes. I'd be bouncing off he damn walls."

"I don't want cake on my face," Kurt says, "and I mean it."

"Anybody want a peanut," Abby mutters. She and Janice giggle.

"You have to," Cooper says. "We can't waste it. There are people starving in Arendell."

Charlotte face palms. "That's the fake country Anna and Elsa live in. In Frozen. The Disney cartoon."

"No. We went to Arendelle land at Disneyworld." Cooper frowns. "They wouldn't put a fake land with all the real ones."

"I’m pretty sure that was Norway,” Charlotte says. 

"Fine,” Cooper sighs. "There are starving people somewhere in the world."

Riley frowns. "Isn’t Blaine and Kurt smashing it in each other's faces is wasting food?”

Cooper, shakes his head. "I got it specifically so they could smash it. So it's wasting if they don't." He breaks the cupcake in half and holds the pieces out to Kurt and Blaine. 

I'm going to smash it in Cooper's face if he doesn't knock it off, Kurt thinks. And then he gets an idea.

"Cooper's right," Kurt says. "Cake smashing is necessary." He looks at Blaine and then glances at Cooper out of the corner of his eye, smirking the tiniest bit. Kurt hopes Blaine learns the art of the psychic conversation right here and now. 

"Okay."

They both pick up half. 

"Hey Cooper, you should take pictures," Sebastian says. 

"Let me hold the other cupcakes," Charlotte says. "I don't want you two getting poked in the face with plastic figures. Unless you're into that or something."

"Stand a little closer, Cooper," Sebastian says.

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster Sebastian gets it. Kurt gets into position, smiling sweetly at Blaine. Blaine smiles back. 

Cooper scoots a little closer and says, "Three, two, one."

Kurt and Blaine both adjust their aim and smush cake, frosting end first, onto Cooper's cheeks. 

Cooper yelps and Blaine laughs. Janice and Abby gape. 

"I cannot believe you smashed cake on Jayson Sinn,” Abby says. 

Kurt shrugs. There isn't much he would do prevent his skin from getting sugar all over it. Urg. No thank you. He'd have to modify his skin care regimen for a month to undo the damage. 

Crumbs fall off Cooper’s face. He stands there, phone held out, and his mouth a perfect O. A giggle escapes him that turns into full blown laughter. "You two suck," Cooper finally says. 

"Oh course I do," Kurt says and he holds up the dildo, sill decorated with the top hat and bow tie. "I'm excellent at oral and have an award to prove it."

Blaine nuzzles into Kurt's neck. "So excellent at oral."

"Hey, Riley," Sebastian says, "help me clean up Cooper."

They each lick one side of his face. 

Everyone laughs, except for Cooper. "Gross. Now I need a shower." He smiles. "I guess that's what I get for trying to get cake on Kurt's face."

"Nothing edible goes on my face," Kurt says.

"Not even come? Poor Blaine," Cooper says and pouts.

Kurt's never though about facials that don't involve a trip to a day spa. But he can imagine it - laying sprawled on his bed, hands tied to the headboard. Blaine straddles Kurt’s chest, stroking his dick slow and steady until he gets close, keeping it just out of reach of Kurt's eager mouth. "Close your eyes," Blaine would say, one hand resting on the wall for balance. Kurt opens his mouth and close his eyes. Blaine's breathing turns to pants and hot stripes of come would land on Kurt's face, missing his tongue where he's desperate for the taste. 

When Blaine finishes, he'll kiss down Kurt's chest, teasing his nipples and sucking a hickie or two on his skin. He'd reach Kurt's dick and suck him off, deepthroating him and enjoying how loud Kurt whimpers every time Blaine swallows. After Kurt comes, Blaine cuddles him for a few minutes before getting a warm washcloth to clean him up. 

Kurt shakes his head, pulling himself back to reality. "First off, its none of your damn business. I'm not one of your Bondage Boys. Secondly, I keep may man satisfied. Third, come isn't food even, though you can eat it."

Sebastian slow claps. "You go, girlfriend."

Kurt smiles. "Everyone finish up. I have plans this evening that don't involve standing around outside with *you* people all evening when I could be taking advantage of my new husband." 

Kurt takes a bit of his cupcake, suggestively licking frosting off his lips.

Blaine's eyes dilate. "We need to go. Now."


	7. Chapter Seven

Kurt is so turned on. All he wants to do is drag Blaine up to the hotel room and have his wicked way with him. Tightening his grip on the dildo, Kurt knows they need to leave now or they'll end up rolling around on the ground while everyone watches. 

"Sebastian, I'll see you tomorrow,” Kurt says. “But not too early. Cooper and Charlotte, same for you if you two are going to be around. Janice, Abby, it was lovely to meet you. Thank you for being at my wedding. Riley, you and Sebastian have fun. Please don't wear him out so much that he can't function. Everyone have a lovely evening, I'm sure going to."

Cooper hands Blaine the marriage license. "Don't loose that.”

Kurt threads his fingers through Blaine's and tugs. Blaine follows, turning to wave over his shoulder. "Night everyone!” Everything is wonderful and Kurt can’t help but sing.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

Blaine joins in as they hurry towards the hotel, both of them smiling and laughing. It's further than Kurt would like, but they finally see The Cosmopolitan. 

Tonight's the night, let's live it up

I got my money, let's spend it up

Go out and smash it like oh my God

Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off

I know that we'll have a ball

If we get down and go out and just lose it all

I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go

Let's go way out spaced out and losing all control

They weave their way through the casino, walking between gaming tables and slot machines, passing a couple in a suit and wedding dress.

Fill up my cup, Mazel Tov

Look at her dancing, just take it off

Let's paint the town, we'll shut it down

Let's burn the roof, and then we'll do it again

Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

And do it and do it, let's live it up

And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it

Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

The elevator ride takes forever. Kurt can't pin Blaine against the wall and kiss him like he wants to. It's not polite to do that in front of other people. Stupid societal norms with rules about fucking in public. Even if it were okay, Kurt really doesn't want his first time with Blaine to be in front of an audience. 

Cause I gotta feeling, woohoo,

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

A feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

They arrive at Kurt's floor and exit the elevator, dancing down the hallway, fingers intertwined and everything is right with the world. Kurt fumbles with the key card and misses the slot on the first attempt. Three times is a charm and he finally manages to insert it. The green light flashes. 

Kurt leans on the handle with his elbow and pushes the door open. They stumble inside letting the door shut behind them. The lights of Las Vegas filter though the closed sheers. The two queen beds are perfectly made with fluffy pillows, white comforters, and folded brown blankets at the bottoms. 

He doesn't turn on the light, not wanting the brightness. Soon, he's going to want to enjoy every millimeter of Blaine's skin when he can get a good look under more light, but not tonight.

Blaine throws himself at Kurt, pressing their mouths together. He licks along the seam of Kurt's lips, sliding their tongues together. 

God, Blaine tastes so good, like cupcakes and champagne and Kurt never thought those two things should go together.

Blaine pulls back. "I want you. So much."

"Want you, too. Tonight's going to be such a good night," Kurt says as he sets the dildo down carefully on the end table. 

No matter how badly he wants Blaine, he just can't let anything happen to the award, at least until Blaine fucks him with it. Kurt unbuttons his shirt and takes it off. "Get naked. I have plans for you." He pulls his undershirt over his head and tosses it in the general direction of the chair, not bothering to see where it lands. 

Blaine grabs the thighs of his pants and pulls. It's even better this time because he gets to leave them off.

"One minute.” Kurt runs to the bathroom for Sebastian's toiletry bag and to wash the dildo. He hadn't brought condoms with him because he had no intention of having sex while on a work trip. He pulls out four, just in case, and goes back out into the main room. 

Kurt tugs off his boots and socks and shimmies out of his pants and underwear, his dick popping free and leaking at the tip. 

"You're beautiful," Blaine breathes. 

Kurt smiles, thankful Blaine likes what he sees. He's a twink and he'll always be a twink. 

Blaine has the most delicious muscles under his clothes and when he turns to kick his shoes out of the way, holy hell - dat ass. It's the perfect size for grabbing while Kurt pounds into it and makes Blaine scream for more. Blaine is hard, his dick long and not too thick, just the way Kurt likes it best. And all that gorgeous tan skin begging for Kurt to kiss it everywhere. 

"Vous vouliez donc entendre un peu de français?” (So you wanted to hear some French?)

“Wow,” Blaine breathes. 

"Je veux sucer votre bite jusqu'à ce que vous voyiez les anges." (I want to suck your dick until you come.)

"Say something else."

"Tu es magnifique. Je veux te garder toute la nuit" (You're gorgeous. I want to keep you up all night.)

Blaine bites Kurt’s neck. "I wish I spoke French. You have no fucking clue how sexy that is."

Kurt’s eyes roll back and all he can do is lean into Blaine.

"What are you into?” Blaine asks.

"I have an award for excellence at oral and I'd like to show you how much I deserve this honor before you fuck me with it."

"Yeah, okay, we can do that," Blaine says in a rush. He moves closer and presses up against Kurt, the heat from his skin making Kurt dizzy with want. 

Skimming his fingernails up Blaine's back, Kurt enjoys the way Blaine arches into it. 

Kurt kisses Blaine hard and the rest of his worries fade away. He wants to touch Blaine. To make Blaine happy. To watch Blaine come. To feel Blaine in his mouth. 

They move away from the wall, Kurt walking Blaine backwards towards the bed. Blaine sits when his knees hit the edge of the bed, letting out an oof noise that makes, Kurt laugh at how adorable it is. 

Blaine leans back, pulling Kurt with him, as though he doesn't want them to be apart for even an instant. Kurt smiles against Blaine's mouth because he doesn't want to lose the feel of so much warm skin. 

Kurt lays on top, enjoying the way Blaine grabs his ass, kneading the muscles and gently holding him open, fingertips stroking his hole making him groan. Kurt adores the vulnerability of being in this position. 

"You like this, don't you?" Blaine asks and Kurt's dick throbs against him in response, fluid leaking out, wet against Blaine's thigh. They kiss, one of Kurt's hands in Blaine's hair and the other massaging his hip. Blaine lets go of Kurt's ass and wraps his legs around Kurt's waist. 

It would be so easy to tell Blaine he's changed his mind, can Kurt fuck him? His dick wants nothing more than than the tight clasp of Blaine's ass. They have the rest of their lives for all kinds of sex, they don't need to do everything tonight. 

Kurt moves to the side, biting where Blaine's neck meets his shoulder. Blaine moans obscenely and Kurt bites harder. Blaine rocks up into Kurt, like he's trying to touch him everywhere at once. 

"Stop," Blaine pants. 

Kurt pulls off immediately, worried he's done something wrong. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, except that if you keep doing that, I'm going to come and someone promised to show me that he's worthy of an excellence at oral award."

"I did and I will." Kurt kisses down Blaine's chest, sucking and biting as he goes, pausing at each nipple long enough to lick them to hardness. Dragging his nails down Blaine's sides, Kurt keeps biting lower, leaving scattered hickies. 

Kurt wraps his hand about Blaine and strokes him a few times. He stops long enough to pull one of the foil packets off the strip, open it, and roll a condom onto Blaine's twitching dick. A few more strokes and Kurt knows Blaine is ready. 

He slowly lowers his head, enjoying the look on Blaine's face, a sexy mixture of anticipation and eagerness. The first swirl of his tongue has Blaine thrusting. "Keep those hips on the bed, Blaine. The party's over if you choke me. I'm not a Bondage Boy who gets face-fucked on a regular basis."

"Sorry," Blaine whimpers. "It's been a while and that feels so good."

"Hold still," Kurt says. He lowers his mouth slowly, making sure Blaine knows exactly where he is and what he's doing. 

Kurt relaxes his jaw and sinks down onto Blaine, keeping both hands firm on Blaine's hips so he doesn't accidentally thrust up, and sucks hard.

A delicious series of whimpers sound from the back of Blaine's throat. Kurt sucks again, bobbing his head, to make him do it again. Blaine starts with tiny thrusts. Kurt grips Blaine tighter and he's going to have finger shaped bruises and nail marks if he can't keep still. 

Kurt pulls off long enough to say, "Seriously. Stop it or I'll spank you."

Blaine moans and Kurt realizes something. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? Me bending you over my lap and spanking your ass nice and red before I fuck you."

"I think so, but not tonight."

“Soon," Kurt promises before sucking Blaine back into his mouth. He keeps one hand firmly on Blaine's hip, using his other to play with Blaine's balls, massaging them in the sack and enjoying how cool they are to the touch, letting him know that Blaine is close. 

Kurt loves the feel of a dick in his mouth, knowing how much pleasure he's giving. The muscles in Blaine's stomach begin twitching. Kurt pulls all the way off, watching the way Blaine thrusts helplessly into the air, his dick seeking the release it so desperately needs.

"Huh?" Blaine wines. His pupils are blown and only the tiniest ring of hazel surrounds them. 

"I wasn't done doing that yet," Kurt says evilly. "I want to give you a second to calm down and I'll get back to it."

"It's our wedding night and your edging me?"

"I guess I am. Just think how intense it'll be when you come. I'm going to have to peel you off the ceiling." Kurt starts worrying that he's pushing too hard. He has absolutely no idea if Blaine is into these kinds of games.

Blaine swallows and Kurt braces himself to be told "no."

"Yes," Blaine says, determination in his voice. "Anything you want."

Kurt smiles because anything can include so much. He doesn't consider himself super kinky, but playing during sex can be fun. 

"Hold still," Kurt whispers and grabs Blaine's hips. Kurt opens his mouth and takes Blaine all the way in, relaxing his throat and swallowing. He pulls back to breathe and sinks back down, swallowing again around the head of Blaine's dick. Blaine twitches underneath his fingers, probably wanting to thrust, but not wanting Kurt to stop. 

Kurt continues, slow and steady, moving Blaine closer and closer to a climax Kurt isn't ready for him to have yet. When the muscles in Blaine's stomach start to flutter, Kurt pulls off again. 

Blaine groans and it's the sexiest thing Kurt ever heard, knowing the he's making Blaine completely desperate. Blaine's body trembles, his dick twitching and creamy fluid leaking down the shaft.

Kurt slides up Blaine's body to kiss him. 

Blaine moans into Kurt's mouth. "Please," he chants over and over. "I've never been so hard in my entire life. I think I'm dying. Please."

"Not till I'm ready," Kurt says. 

Blaine kisses him hard, pushing his tongue into Kurt's mouth like he can kiss him into letting him come. Kurt's going to let him this time, but sees no reason to let Blaine know that. Someday soon, he wants to tie Blaine to the bed and do this to him for hours. 

Blaine's frantic movements slow. 

Kurt loves the rush of knowing that Blaine will do anything he says right now. 

"I want to blow you some more," Kurt whispers. "I love you like this. So sexy, so desperate, so good."

Blaine smiles at the last two words.

"This is everything I've been fantasizing about all night," Kurt says. 

"I didn't even know this was what I wanted."

"Can I blow you again?" Kurt asks.

Blaine nods. "God, yes, please anything."

Kurt leans down, taking Blaine in his mouth and this time, he's not playing. Blaine is the perfect size for deepthroating. Just wide enough to feel it, but not enough to choke.   
He pulls off long enough to say, "I want you to come in my mouth," and immediately goes back to sucking. 

"Please," Blaine begs. "So close."

A few more sucks and Kurt relaxes the back of his throat. Blaine pulses in Kurt's mouth. Kurt sucks him through his orgasm, swallowing around the condom and imagining how much better it'll be when they can do this without latex.

Blaine sags back on the mattress, like he's trying to sink through it. His hair is damp and there is a light sheen of sweat on his face and chest. His softening dick occasionally twitches. 

Kurt can't remember the last time he saw anything so beautiful. He cuddles up to Blaine, spreading along his side, his knee on Blaine's thigh, head on his shoulder, hand on his chest. 

"I need a minute or two. That was so intense. Thank you."

"Told you," Kurt says, smirking against his skin.

"You're so humble."

Kurt laughs. He's always known that he is amazing at what he puts his mind to. "Humble doesn't get you laid."

Blaine hums in contentment, stroking his fingers through Kurt's hair. He shifts bringing his hip in contact with Kurt's erection. 

"My turn," Kurt says, thrusting a little to a remind Blaine that it's not time to go to sleep yet. 

Blaine squirms out from under Kurt and crawls off the bed. Kurt gets the best view of his ass. 

A moment later, Blaine returns without the condom. He picks up the dildo, poses, and smiles. "I'm so honored to present this award to Kurt. He gives amazing head and I'm very lucky he likes my dick."

"You're such a dork," Kurt laughs.

"No, I'm serious. For s moment there, I thought I might pass out. So in recognition of his excellence at oral, this is for you, Kurt." Blaine holds it out to him.

Kurt remains where he is, lounging on the bed, propped up on his elbows. "You want to thank me? Get the lube and fuck me with it."

"Yeah, okay." Blaine grabs the lube and climbs back on the bed. "Spread your legs."

Kurt lays back on the pillow and spreads his legs, grabbing behind his knees, holding himself open and ready for Blaine and the dildo. 

Blaine lubes up his fingers and circles one around Kurt's hole, sliding just the tip in.

"I can take two right away." Kurt's so turned on, he doesn't care if to hurts a little. 

Blaine slides two fingers inside, spreading them apart and opening Kurt up. 

It doesn't take long for Blaine to add a third finger. There is the tiniest edge of pain to the stretch and it encourages Kurt to relax his muscles and let Blaine inside. 

Blaine glides his fingers out then pushes three back in.

"Wha-?" Kurt starts to ask. 

"I let you do what you wanted, let me do what I want. Please"

Kurt nods. It’s only fair.

Blaine reaches inside until his finds Kurt's prostate. Blaine's lucky Kurt manages to maintain his grip on his knees or he might kick Blaine in the face. 

"Right there," Kurt breathes.

Blaine strokes the sweet spot, gently at first, slowing using a firmer pressure. 

It takes a moment for Kurt to realize he's moaning and it might be words or nonsense. He's not sure exactly what he's saying. 

"Feel good?"

"So good. I can do four now," Kurt says. 

Blaine adds a forth. He fucks Kurt with his fingers, stretching the muscle. "Ready?"

"Yes, just go slow. It's a smidge bigger than I'm used to, but I can take it."

"Oh, your gonna take it," Blaine says. "After you edged me past the point of sanity, you're definitely getting fucked with this."

Kurt's dick throbs and pre-come oozes out the slit. 

The tip of dildo, slick with lube and almost cold, touches his hole and Blaine slowly pushes the head of the toy past the ring of muscle. He stops, allowing Kurt a moment to adjust.

Tiny thrust after tiny thrust, Blaine pushes the dildo inside. 

Kurt pants. "Keep going. Want the whole thing."

Blaine keeps pressing, a little more and a little more. 

Kurt is so full, just this side of too much, when base touches his ass.

"I've got it all in. Now what?"

It's too big for large thrusts, not without much more prep that Kurt wants to deal with right now. "Leave it in and push on the base."

Blaine does and Kurt yowls. "Just like that."

Kurt remains position, legs spread wide, with Blaine pushing the dildo in over and over. 

Blaine maneuvers so that he's laying next to Kurt. He licks around the shell of Kurt's ear, biting on the lobe, and then begins whispering the sexiest things.

"Did you know the base of the dildo magnifies? Your asshole looks so good, stretched around the toy like that. Next time, I'm going to get a cock ring and edge you, just like you did to me. And I'm going to keep going till you beg and then I'm still not going to let you come.”

The thrusting speeds up and Blaine sucks on Kurt’s neck.

"Would you like that, hmm? Me staring at your pretty little hole while I pound it with a toy. Then I'll fuck you right throughs the mattress.” Blaine sucks on Kurt's neck.

Blaine sits up, fucking Kurt hard with the dildo. He reaches down and grabs Kurt's dick, stroking it quickly. 

"Oh, god," Kurt moans. 

Blaine strokes faster.

Kurt closes his eyes as his orgasm washes over him, his body shivering in pleasure as delicious sensations tingle over every nerve. It goes on forever, spurts of come landing on his stomach and his chest as his ass clamps rhythmically around the toy. 

The sensations slowly fade leaving Kurt in a sea of endorphins with sleep tugging at him. He lowers his legs, careful not to kick Blaine and stretches out.

"Holy shit," Kurt mumbles. He's going to still be limping when he goes home on Monday. His ass aches in the best possible way.

"That wasn't too much, was it?" Blaine asks nervously. 

"No, that was exactly right. Not totally sure I be able to walk tomorrow, but it was worth it." 

Kurt should get up, clean up the dildo, and then get some sleep. His eyelids blink shut without permission. The pressure on the mattress shifts and Blaine must have gotten up. A moment later, Kurt hears water running in the bathroom followed by Blaine returning to the main room. 

The dildo clinks softly as it's set on the end table and a warm wash cloth swipes across Kurt's stomach. 

He opens his eyes and smiles. "Thanks." Kurt hates going to sleep sticky, but there is no way he can coordinate to get up right now. Blaine sets the wash cloth on the end table and crawls in bed, spooning behind Kurt, and sighing contentedly.

"You definitely deserve all the awards."

Kurt turns in Blaine's arms. "That was amazing. Is now when we start singing?"

Blaine laughs. "When I'm with you, baby, I go out of my head."

Kurt joins in. "And I just can't get enough. I just can't get enough."

"I think I got enough for tonight." Blaine leans forward and kisses Kurt for a moment. "G'night sweetheart."

"Night." Kurt wants to say something more memorable, but sleep pulls him into unconsciousness.


	8. Chapter Eight

Kurt blinks his eyes open, immediately regrets it, and closes them. Why is the sun so bright? Stupid sun. He groans and rolls onto his back. 

How much alcohol did he have last night? It's a blur. Why? He usually stops after two drinks.

His head pounds and his stomach rumbles, but he doesn't feel nauseous, more queazy than anything. The uncertainty about what will happen when he tries to sit up keeps him in bed and moving as little as possible. 

The sound of the shower running bleeds through the fog. Kurt lifts his head just enough to see that Sebastian's bed is perfectly made and therefore not been slept in. What...?

It comes back to him in a series of disconnected, fuzzy images. Meeting Blaine. Finding out Blaine's brother is Jayson Sinn. Wanting the dildo. Singing in the limo on the way to the chapel. 

Getting married. 

Kurt presses his lips together. He got married last night because he wanted Blaine to fuck him with his brother's dildo award. He's now Mr. Sinn. 

Wait. 

Sinn has got to be a stage name, but he can't remember anything that confirms it. 

Kurt Sinn. His dad is going to ground him till he's thirty. Never mind that he lives six hundred miles away, Burt Hummel will find a way. Kurt sorts back through the memories of the night before, trying to find one with Blaine's last name in it. 

Nothing. He looks down at the silicone band on his finger. 

Last night I got served a little bit too much of the poison baby

Last night I met a guy on the dance floor and I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name

Oh, my momma would be so ashamed

Started of hey cutie where you from 

And it turned into oh, no what have I done

And I don't even know his last name

Kurt moves around the room looking for any information he can find. He wasn't making it up, Blaine is his husband's first name, right?

The tear away pants are crunched up and stuck together wrong. There are no pockets and Kurt can't find Blaine's wallet.

Where's the marriage license? The girl who issued it to them wanted to know if they'd been drinking. Kurt desperately wants to blame her for not doing her due diligence and verifying they were sober enough to get married, but he knows it's not her fault he and Blaine were so hell bent on tying the knot immediately. 

Kurt goes through his pants pockets and can't find the license, but he does find his ticket to the AVNs. He wouldn't have stayed and talked to Blaine if he'd remembered he put the ticket in his back pocket, not his wallet.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Chasing after sexy porn stars and their amazing brothers. He knows better. When he saw Elvis, Kurt should've run screaming in the other direction.

Today I woke up thinking bout Elvis somewhere in Vegas

I'm not sure how I got here, or how this ring on my left hand just appeared 

Outta nowhere, I gotta go

I'll take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road

They say what happens here stays here all of this'll disappear

There's just one little problem

I don't even know my last name

Oh, my momma would be so ashamed

it started off 'hey cutie where you from' 

And then it turned into oh no, what have I done 

and I don't even know my last name

Kurt finally sees the corner of a paper sticking out from under Blaine's shirt. He runs over and pulls. It's the marriage license legally binding Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel in matrimony. Kurt lets out a sigh because thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster Blaine has a regular last name. Kurt Sinn is a horrible name. Kurt Anderson is kind of blah, but he can deal. 

Maybe he should make Blaine change his name. That could work. Blaine Hummel has a much nicer ring to it. They aren't hyphenating it. Ugh. Anderson-Hummel and Hummel-Anderson are both mouthfuls.

Hold on. He's acting like they're staying married. They need to get it annulled or voided or whatever it is that you do when you're an idiot who gets drunk married in Las Vegas.

The shower shuts off and Kurt's heart pounds. He knows nothing about Blaine aside from the fact that he's funny, sweet, and really, really good in bed.

Edging Blaine had been beyond amazing and Blaine fucked him with the dildo just right. He'd promised Blaine anal and, god, does Kurt want to. Blaine would make more of those breathy whimpers every time Kurt thrusts in and holy shit he needs to think about how to fix the situation and not make it more complicated. 

Kurt drops the paper on the dresser and stands in the middle of the room like a boss when Blaine comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. It's in that instant that Kurt remembers he's naked.

"Hi," Blaine says shyly. The stubble is sexy, even if Kurt prefers clean shaven guys.

That should not be adorable after everything that happened last night, but it is. 

"Um, I don't know what to say," Kurt admits. 

The sigh of relief from Blaine startles Kurt. 

"Me either," Blaine says. "I thought I dreamed that I got married to this super sexy guy because I was trying to keep my brother from talking him into being a Bondage Boy."

Kurt laughs weekly. "I'd have gone with we got married because I wanted Jayson Sinn's sex on a stick brother to fuck me with the excellence at oral award, but pretty much."

Blaine sits on the edge of the bed, hands folded in his lap, the pink band clearly visible on his finger. 

"I need a shower," Kurt says quickly, feeling like a coward. He's sweaty from last night and he needs to brush his teeth. It'll be easier to discuss what to do if he's clean.

"Sure," Blaine says. "Is it okay if I wait here?"

"Yeah, we're married, so what’s mine is yours etcetera." Kurt grabs a pair of his underwear, a shirt, and a pair of Sebastian's pants and wordlessly hands them to Blaine.

"Thank you."

Kurt takes the worlds quickest shower in the history of human time and then goes in the main room wearing a towel around his waist. What the hell, right? It's not like Blaine didn't see him naked last night. 

It takes a little longer than he wants to pull an outfit together. He tugs on some underwear, followed by pants and a shirt. That he doesn't care what his hair looks like is a testament to his frazzled feelings. 

Blaine is dressed and holding a paper cup. "It's hotel room coffee mixed with powdered hot chocolate, but it's the best I could do before you finished your shower. Here." He hands Kurt the cup.

"Thanks." Kurt takes a sip. It's not bad, but it's not great either. "You know my coffee order?"

"Of course I do. I remember a few things from last night."

"What do you have planned for the day?" Kurt asks. It's a three day weekend so, hopefully, Blaine is flying out Monday like Kurt so they'll have a little time to figure this out.

"I need to finish building my time machine," Blaine says.

"Your what now?"

"My time machine. I started the plans in high school. My senior year, I had a crush on Evan Marsh. I asked him on a date only to find out he'd already been asked by someone else. So, I wanted to go back in time and ask him first. You need a time machine for that."

Kurt pauses because - wait, what?

If Blaine tries telling Kurt he's a Time Lord or Marty McFly or he's got a time turner to get out of this, someone's getting hit upside the head. 

"I need it so I can go back to last night and warn myself not to drink so much and not to worry about who Cooper wants to fuck in his next movie. When Cooper says we should get married right away, I'll tell him that I met the most amazing guy ever and I don't want to fuck it up by getting married while drunk in Vegas."

Kurt can't help but ask, "amazing, huh?"

"Amazing," Blaine repeats. "I should have asked for your number. That's what normal people do. Then call you and ask you out for coffee or to dinner and a movie. I know this great little hole in the wall Mexican place and their food is the best."

Kurt doesn't know what to say, so he finishes off the small cup of coffee. It makes things a little better.

"After I impress you with my charm and sense of humor, I'll ask you out again. Something low key and cheesy, like walking through Central Park while holding hands. Then ask you dancing and when it goes well, to stay over."

"Sounds nice," Kurt says, because it sounds so nice, perfect even. 

Blaine blinks. "Yeah?"

"You listed off my favorite stuff to do. If you'd added see Lady Gaga in concert, I'd marry you again." Kurt winces. "I mean...."

"It's funny," Blaine says. "Sort of. But I'd ask you to see Katy Perry."

Kurt raises his eyebrows. "You're a Katy Perry person. I should have known you're too good to be true."

"Hey!" 

"Kidding. Just kidding." Sort of. He's really not a fan of Katy Perry. 

Kurt’s phone chimes. There are seventeen text messages and he’s at two percent. Who needs to talk to him so badly?

From Rachel - That's rude. I'm not speaking to you.

From Rachel - Why didn't you tell me? 

From Rachel - I knew you and Sebastian were hooking up. I'm a little bit psychic. 

From Elliot - ???

From Rachel - Are you just messing with me? I told you to wear a ring so that asshole Andrew would leave you alone, not for you to actually get married.

From Rachel - Did you marry Sebastian or some other guy? 

From Finn - rachel's ur friend don't b so mean

The rest are from Rachel and all are a combination of "I'm not speaking to you" and "I knew you and Sebastian were fucking."

For someone who isn't speaking to him, Rachel texts a lot. Kurt lets out a sigh. He remembers sending Rachel pictures of Sebastian proposing and the wedding. If he texts her now she'll call and he needs to talk with Blaine first. And what the fuck is Finn talking about? He’ll text Elliot later.

A knock at the door startles Kurt. 

"If you two are fucking, then you better finish up, like, right now," Cooper yells through the door. "I'm taking you lovebirds to lunch-"

"-breakfast," Charlotte interrupts. 

"Whatever. Food. I'm going to buy you food."

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

"Answer the doooooor," Cooper wines. 

Blaine goes pale under his olive skin. "Don't tell Cooper," he pleads. 

"I won't," He squeezes Blaine's hand. "Fow bettew ow fow wowse, wight?" Kurt says, imitating the speech impediment of the priest who married them.

"Kurt? Blaine?" Cooper yells. "I'm pointing at you, little brother, and you know what that means."

Blaine rolls his eyes. 

"I'll call security and have them break down the door."

"Will he?" Kurt asks.

Blaine shrugs. "I'm kinda tempted to wait and see if he will, but I don't want you to get kicked out of the hotel."

Pound pound. "Come out!"

"Already did!" Blaine yells. 

Squaring his shoulders, Kurt sets his phone on the end table, goes to the door, and opens it. 

"Thank god," Cooper says, enveloping Kurt in a hug. "I was beginning to think you two were dead from all the fucking or something. I've got Blaine's phone and your room is set to do not disturb."

Cooper looks fantastic, dressed down in jeans and a flannel. With glasses. It's unfair how sexy he is while still being such a dork. Charlotte is going for casual as well, in a black sweater and her hair in a ponytail.

"We just got married and your demanding we answer the door? What's wrong with you?" Blaine asks.

Charlotte's smile is tight and forced. "I told him at least three hundred and fourteen times to leave you alone, but you know how your brother is. Stubborn like an ass and subtle as a nuclear bomb."

Cooper crosses his arms. "Is this the thanks I get for financing the best wedding of the new millennium?"

Blaine turns red. "Sorry, Cooper. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"You kept Blaine up? Nice." Cooper holds his fist out. 

Why not? Things can't get any worse. Kurt bumps it. 

The door opens. "Girlfriend," Sebastian yells, "you better tell me what the fuck happened last night because if we sang a Village People song at a rainbow bar I'm going to-" He stops short when he enters the main part of the room. His shirt is inside out and his hair is a mess.

Kurt narrows his eyes. "Vous devez vous taire." (You need to shut up.)

"-stop talking," Sebastian says.

"Good choice," Kurt says brightly, knowing Sebastian can see right through it. 

"I'm taking the happy couple out for Bloody Marys and food," Cooper says. "You're welcome to come along."

"Sure," Sebastian says, "I'd love to. I need to have a quick lady chat with my bestie for one second first." He goes into the bathroom and holds the door open. 

Kurt follows, knowing that his usual confident stride is affected by his sore ass and he's limping slightly.

Sebastian turns on the light and the fan then shuts and locks the door behind them. "What's going on?" 

"Apparently when I'm drinking, I think it's a good idea to get married so I can get fucked by my favorite porn star's sexy brother with the porn star's glitter dildo award."

"You're walking funny so you did."

"Yes." Sebastian always knows when people have had sex. It's the world's most stupid super power. Why can't he do something useful like run really fast and get Kurt out of here? 

Sebastian tilts his head to the side, studying Kurt. "Damn. What now? I don't care who's out there. Because I'll make them leave if that's what you want."

"No. Blaine and I haven't had a chance to talk about it. Cooper showed up and then you did and now we're in the bathroom and everyone is probably wondering what's going on in here. So, don't say anything about how Blaine and I met last night, and we'll talk as soon as we can ditch Cooper."

"You want to ditch Jayson Sinn. You suck," Sebastian says.

"Yes, I do. Blaine says that after last night, I deserve the excellence at oral award."

Sebastian laughs so loudly, everyone has to be able to hear it, even through the closed door. 

"Shut up," Kurt hisses.

"Can't," Sebastian wheezes between pants of laughter. 

Kurt crosses his arms and glares at Sebastian until he calms down. "Are you done now?"

"For right this instant? Yes. Done for ever? No way. I'm going to get buttons made that say Kurt Hummel - Excellent at oral."

"You can wear it next to your Potter Stinks badge. Thank you, Draco Malfoy." Kurt knows Sebastian would have been sorted into Slytherin and along with Draco, would pull pranks to rival the Weasley twins. Kurt would have been in Slytherin, too, but he wouldn't be nearly so obnoxious about it. 

"You're welcome, Ronald."

"I am *not* Ron Weasley!" Kurt yells.

There's a knock at the door. "Are you guys fighting about what Harry Potter characters you are?" Blaine asks. "Because I'm Harry and Cooper is Guilderoy Lockheart. Charlotte would be Hermione, but she won't watch the movies or read the books so we make her be Lavender."

Sebastian snorts. "He's perfect for you. Stay married. I seriously doubt you can land a hotter piece of ass than that."

Kurt hits him upside the head. "Pervert."

"Ow, Princess. Friend abuse!" 

Knock. Knock. Knock. "I don't know what you two are doing in there," Charlotte says, "but I'm pretty sure that Blaine is going to break down the door to protect Kurt or something and Cooper is going to break it down if he can't get some food. It's not like Cooper and I can go get food without Kurt. You know, because he's apparently not physically capable of leaving unless Kurt goes with. So...hurry up."

Kurt unlocks the door and opens it. "Sorry. Blaine, back me up. Sebastian and I argue all the time and then we yell at each other in French. You only need to worry if we threaten to damage each other's shoes." Kurt and Sebastian will never be able to stop with the insults. Blaine's just going to have to accept it till they get this "marriage" sorted out. 

"Yes," Blaine's says.

Sebastian grabs a shirt and pants out of his suitcase and takes them to the bathroom.

"Which character are you?" Blaine asks.

Kurt finds one of his boots behind the door and the other half under the bed. His scarf is by the end table. Kurt picks it up and shakes it out. "I'd be Barty Crouch Junior."

"What?" Blaine says.

Sebastian comes back into the main room with his shirt on correctly and his hair brushed. "Don't even bother."

"But he's evil," Blaine says.

"He's played by David Tennant and he's definitely the best looking guy in all of those movies. And it's a tragedy that he's only in the fourth one for a little while. Or I can be Cedric Diggory," Kurt says.

"You're so not a Hufflepuff," Cooper says.

Kurt snorts. "Of course I'm not a Hufflepuff. But after I die," he makes air quotes with his fingers, "I can move to Forks and be a vampire."

"I thought you were team Jacob." Sebastian says.

"Yeah. But we're talking Harry Potter right now. And even if I'm team Jacob, Robert Pattinson is still pretty sexy."

Charlotte rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands. "I haven't read any of these stupid books. I'm going to breakfast. It's too early in the morning to discuss what fictional characters you all would be."

Kurt wraps his scarf around his neck. "Let's go." At least if they're arguing about books, they can't talk about Kurt and Blaine's sudden marriage.

Or apparently they can. As soon as they get seated at a table in the restaurant with coffees all around, Cooper starts asking questions. "How good is the dildo award for sex?"

Kurt nearly chokes on his coffee.

"Cooper has no sense of personal boundaries," Charlotte says.

Sebastian just laughs, the bastard.

"It works great." Kurt says. He suspects there's not much he can say to embarrass Cooper, but he can at least try. "Especially when Blaine uses it on me."

"Interesting. I put mine on my mantle for display, but I haven't actually used any as sex toys."

"So how long have you two been together?" Charlotte asks. 

"Two months," Kurt says and winces when he realizes how insane it sounds to get married after two months. Better than two hours, but still.

"Two years," Blaine says.

"Is there a reason you two don't agree on how long you've been dating?" Cooper glances between the two of them several times.

Blaine waves his hand dismissively. "Look, we broke up for a minute and a half about two months ago but now that we're married, I don't think that should count. Worst week of my life." 

Kurt reaches across the table to take Blaine's hand. He doesn't completely understand what's going on between the two brothers, but he wishes he could make everything okay for both of them, especially for Blaine.

A waiter arrives at their table. "Is anyone interested in something to drink besides coffee?"

"Bloody Marys all around," Cooper says.

"Sure thing." The waiter scribbles on his pad and takes their food orders.

"Tell me about yourself," Cooper says. "I need to know everything about the man who stole little Blainey's heart."

"I like fashion. I like music. And, obviously, I like Blaine. Not much to tell." 

Cooper points at Kurt. "Come on, you can do better than that."

"I graduated from NYADA last year. I have an internship at Vogue dot com and I'm the understudy for a part in a tiny off-Broadway show."

"So what happened two months ago? When Blaine came to visit me in LA for Thanksgiving, he didn't mention anything about you."

"Oh my god, Cooper," Blaine says, "it's none of your business. I didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't."

Inspiration strikes. "I was being considered for a part on a TV show in LA." This might actually get them out of everything when they have to get the marriage voided. "I had the opportunity to audition for a part. But it would have meant moving to California and breaking up with Blaine. I know we don't want to do the long-distance thing, but this was a really big opportunity. Blaine got understandably upset that I seriously considered it and so we broke up."

"Can we please pick something else to talk about?" Blaine asks. "We got past it."

Cooper can't let stuff go. "How did you two get back together?"

"Well I went over to Blaine's place to talk. And then we had sex for two straight days. I can't resist Blaine. I mean, look at him. Hottest guy I've ever seen."

"Except for me," Cooper says.

"Sorry. Blaine is definitely hotter."

The adoring gaze from his husband is worth it.

"How long have you been friends," Sebastian says, gesturing between Charlotte and Cooper.

"We did a movie together before Cooper started doing gay porn. We had fun hanging out on the set together and here we are, years later and still friends."

"Yuck. You said you never had sex!" Blaine says. “You’re practically my sister.”

Charlotte rolls her eyes. "Porno sex isn't real sex. I mean it is sort of, but it really isn't. You've never been on a set, but in most cases, you're fucking away for hours and hours sometimes, and it's not sexy. And Cooper and I have never done if just for fun.”

"I'd invite you to come watch, but I know you won't," Cooper says. 

Blaine turns green. "I'm your brother. That's disgusting."

"I'm not your brother," Sebastian says, "and I think it's hot. I know you want Kurt for a Bondage Boy, but I'm really flexible, too."

Cooper gets a calculating expression on his face. "How good are you at fucking?"

"I can't be a porn star, but I'd love to come hang out with you on the set."

"That's too bad," Cooper says. "I bet you'd make a lot more money that way."

"Yes, because lawyers never make any money," Sebastian says sarcastically.

"You're a lawyer?" Blaine asks.

"What?" The glare Charlotte is giving Blaine is a problem.

"I'm not a lawyer yet," Sebastian says. "I've still got to finish law school and pass the bar."

"That's what I meant," Blaine says immediately. "You're not an official lawyer."

"I never finished telling you how we met," Kurt says quickly, desperate to change the subject.

"You said it was a funny story, let's hear it," Cooper says.

"I always wanted a big production," Kurt says. "So I made an announcement after one of my shows about a special encore song. When we were finished with applause and bows, I sang Single Ladies and did the dance with a couple of people from the cast."

"I thought you said you two got engaged on the steps where you met," Cooper says, looking at Kurt and then at Blaine. 

"I'm getting to that," Kurt says. Fuck. He forgot all about telling Cooper half a story last night. "Blaine looked completely panicked. In retrospect, I probably should have picked a different song. At the end, I said that I was madly in love with my boyfriend, I liked it and I wanted to put a ring on it, and then I asked him to marry me. Of course he said yes."

"What Kurt didn't know was that I planned on proposing the end of the same show," Blaine quickly adds. "I'd been sitting in the audience the entire time he was singing thinking he'd gotten fed up and didn't want to wait any longer. And I wanted to shout, 'Twenty minutes. You just needed to wait twenty more minutes.' Of course I was panicking."

Kurt can't decide if it's great that Blaine is such a quick lier, or if it's a horrible trait for his husband to have.

"Blaine came up on stage and I put a ring on it," Kurt says. "When we went outside shortly after, some of his college friends were standing near the back steps. Blaine sang Can't Help Falling Falling in Love with them and I started crying. And then Blaine got down on one knee and said that there wasn't any music in the world without me. And then he asked me to marry him and of course, I said yes."

"I can't decide if that's really sweet," Charlotte says, "or completely crazy. I'm thinking both."

The alarm on Kurt's phone sounds. Shit, shit, shit, and more shit. He's got a class in an hour. There should be enough time to run up to his room, grab his iPad, and book it to the meeting room at Caesar's palace. 

"What's wrong?" Charlotte asks.

"I have a class." How much trouble will he get in if he blows it off? 

"But it's your honeymoon. You can't go to a class," Cooper says loudly, pointing at Kurt.

Kurt really doesn't want to go to the lecture on dynamic blogging. It's two hours and Sebastian is probably right that it’s about creating click bait titles for your posts. He still isn't clear on why Isabel wanted him here, except maybe she thinks he deserves a weekend away. Kurt hasn't learned anything useful to bring back to his internship. It might also be her way of encouraging him to stay when he finally lands a bigger role.

"I have to. Work's paying for my trip," Kurt says.

Sebastian coughs, "Half."

"It's not Vogue's fault you switched our hotel!" Kurt takes a deep breath. "Getting married was a spur-of-the-moment decision. This isn't ideal, but I need to go." And he needs a few minutes to clear his head and figure things out.

"Love you," Sebastian says, and he kisses Kurt on the cheek. "Ne vous inquiétez pas. Nous avons gto ceci." (Don't worry. We've got this.)

"Love you, too," Kurt mumbles before giving Sebastian and then Blaine a quick kiss. "The class gets out at two. It's in the main conference room at Caesar's Palace. See you then?" 

"Sure," Blaine says.

Kurt flees the table, feeling like a coward.

One minute before the lecture is supposed to start, Kurt enters the conference room with his iPad in hand, ready to take notes. His phone was dead when he got back to the room so he put it on the charger. He probably doesn't want to see how many texts and calls he has from Rachel, but he feels naked without it. Kurt settles into an open seat as far from Andrew as possible. He's so not in the mood to get hit on by jerks. 

It's worse than he imagined. The speaker, some guy with nondescript looks and a personality to match, drones on about the importance of building a readership and having titles that encourage people to read your articles. 

When Andrew spots him, he keeps turning around to look at Kurt. 

Kurt knew it. Instead of taking detailed notes like he probably should, he looks up rules about annulments. It could take months. They'll need witnesses to testify that Kurt and Blaine were drunk and not of sound mind to get married. 

Sebastian would do it. But they would also have to get Cooper or Charlotte to help as well. There's no way to do it discretely and without telling Blaine's brother. Unless they can track down Abby or Janice. It's not like Cooper wouldn't notice if Kurt's never around for holidays and family functions, but still. 

Or they get divorced. Kurt knows it's better for some relationships to end than to linger unpleasantly, but divorced. He never thought he'd be able to get legally married and now he's staring divorce in the face. 

When the lecture is finally over, Kurt stands immediately, determined to leave before Andrew can corner him. He isn't sure why he thought he could get out of the middle of the row before everyone on either side stood up and blocked his exit. If he were in the back row, he'd move his chair out of the way and leave. He won't be able to do that from four rows in. 

"I'm not interested," Kurt says as soon as Andrew gets close enough to hear him without shouting. 

"Let's go get a drink."

Kurt walks away saying, "No thank you, I have plans with my husband."

"Well, he isn't here." Andrew hurries to catch up with Kurt. "And you have a nice mouth. I bet you're great at blow jobs."

"Sure am and I have an award to prove it."

Andrew gapes at Kurt. 

"I'm not sleeping with you. I said no. Go away." Kurt quickly calculates exactly where to grab so he can throw Andrew flat on his back if he gets grabby.

Just outside the conference room door, Cooper and Sebastian are waiting for him, but no Blaine. Disappointment flares.

Cooper runs to him with all the excitement of a puppy wagging its tail. "I missed you!" He throws his arms around Kurt, making him laugh. 

"It's great to see you, too. Where's Blaine?" 

"Charlotte wanted to talk to him. Something about her finding it weird that you and Sebastian said you love each other at breakfast and you and Blaine didn't."

Panic settles in Kurt's stomach. 

Sebastian shakes his head and days, "Ne pas." (Don't.)

"Anyway," Cooper continues, "we moved Sebastian's stuff to my room and Blaine moved his to yours. We're meeting them a little later. And I should probably apologize while Blaine isn't here. I'm not normally so pushy about wanting someone to be in a movie with me. And I don't normally hit on Blaine's boyfriends. Or husband. If you change your mind, let me know. The offer's still on the table."

Kurt will miss all the flirting, but it's for the best. 

"Or," Cooper continues, "Blaine doesn't watch my movies. You could be in one with me and not tell him."


	9. Chapter Nine

"I almost forgot, Cooper says, giddy with excitement. "Sebastian told me you're secretly a ninja. You can come after me with your sai swords, cut a bunch of strips from the curtains, use your mad ninja skills to tie me up and then you fuck me. After you wear yourself out by pounding my hole, I'll figure out how to escape, but I'll stay so you can fuck me again. Just pretend I said all that before I told you I'd stop asking."

"I'm not damaging my sai swords by cutting fabric with them," Kurt says. "And I'm not fucking you."

A strangled cough behind Kurt reminds him that Andrew is following him around like a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe. Not that Kurt would ever be tacky enough to walk around trailing toilet paper. 

"You aren't letting this guy fuck you?" Andrew asks incredulously. 

Cooper turns slowly towards Andrew. "Kurt's a total top. He'll get fucked for some variety and to keep his man happy, but he'll bottom from the top. He'd get to fuck me except he keeps saying no."

Andrew shakes his head. "He'll let me."

"If he won't fuck me, he certainly wouldn't let you fuck him," Cooper continues. "Besides, you're a bottom who doesn't like that you're a bottom. I bet you tell everyone you're a top while secretly wishing you weren't too much of a wimp to get fucked. I'm an international man of mystery and sex. I know these things." Cooper's tone implies that the conversation is over. 

Andrew gasps and Kurt knows he's just recognized Cooper. 

"Do me," Sebastian says. 

And Kurt doesn't know if he means "tell me my sexual preferences" or "do me."

Cooper puts a finger to his temple and uses his his other hand to point at  
Sebastian. 

"Tricky," Cooper says. "But not too tricky for me. You like sex with as much variety and as many people as possible and you freak the fuck out if he wants a repeat or gets clingy. You're a flexible bottom and are happy to say so. How'd I do?"

"Perfect," Sebastian says with a dreamy sigh. He puts his arm around Kurt and smiles. "Problem, Princess?"

"Nope. I've told both Andrew and Mr. Superstar, repeatedly, that they aren't getting a piece of this and neither is taking no for an answer."

"I've told you at least a million and a half times, fuck it and chuck it if they aren't worth a repeat." Sebastian nods towards Andrew. "He's hot. I'd do him." 

"I wouldn't. He's an entitled asshole who thinks that because he has a dick anyone he wants should just bend over. No thank you, I have standards."

"I'd watch it if I were you," Sebastian says to Andrew. "Kurt here will use his ninja skills to put you on the floor."

"Aikido skills," Kurt says through gritted teeth. "I'm not a ninja." This really should be more fun - two attractive men want to have sex with him, even if ones an asshole. That could be the plot of the porn Cooper wants to make. Two guys fighting over Kurt, but no non-con. Blaine can bust in and rescue him and then they have sex on every flat surface in whatever room they end up in. Kurt giggles at the thought. 

Sebastian glares at Andrew. "If Kurt won't fuck Jayson Sinn, he's not fucking you. Leave or I call security. And I'm sure I can find someone in charge who's in love with Jayson enough to do what he wants. Go. Now." Sebastian waves dismissively. 

"Are you married to this clown?" Andrew asks. 

"No," Sebastian says. "But I caught the bouquet at Kurt's wedding so I'm the next to get married." He bats his eyes at Cooper.

"Not with me. Look, I don't want to be impolite to one of my fans, but we have stuff to do." With a smile, Cooper pulls out a sharpie, uncaps it, and grabs Andrew's wrist. Cooper scribbles Jayson Sinn on Andrew's inner arm. "Nice to meet you!" 

Andrew opens and closes his mouth a few times. Then he stomps off in a huff.

Cooper turns to Kurt. “I got us tickets on the gondola at the Venetian."

"Us?" Kurt asks. It's supposed to be romantic and he's pretty sure Blaine won't like him doing something like that with his brother. 

"Yes. You, me, Sebastian and Blaine. Charlotte doesn't' want to go and the boat seats four people anyway." 

Cooper waves his arms around. "Look, I realize in the sober light of day that I may have pushed you guys to get married last night. Blaine's bad at romance, but I don't want you regretting it. Okay? I want to knock Blaine's head against a wall and lock him in the truck of my car most of the time, but I love him and want him to be happy."

"Blaine's not so bad at romance," Kurt says.

Cooper rolls his eyes. "That or love makes you stupid. Did he tell you about the Gap Attack?"

"No. I'll ask him later. Let's go."

Sebastian raises his eyebrows. "Tout va bien?" (Everything okay?)

"It'll be fine."

Kurt tells himself that everything is awesome.

Everything is not awesome.

The strip is lit up, but it's not nearly as magical when competing with the sun. On the walk to the Venetian, Kurt collects several more business cards with pictures of naked women.

The dim lighting inside of the Venetian soothes after the bright sunlight. Everything is cream and gold with rich red accents. Just like every casino he's been in, the design encourages you to stay in the building. You can't see outside, no visible clocks, and everything from hotel rooms to stores to restaurants are right here so why leave?

Cooper leads them along the scenic route. Kurt hasn't got the faintest idea if Cooper is doing this because it's more fun or because he's lost. Or because he's lost and he thinks it's more fun.

The possibility that they are simply going in circles occurs to Kurt. He can't be certain that they haven't passed the same set of poker tables three times, although it wouldn't surprise him if that were the case. All of the workers look so similar that they blur together. 

Except for that one guy at the blackjack table they only passed once. Tall, blond, and muscular, that guy he would notice. If it wouldn't cause problems for everyone involved, Kurt would go over there and figure out how to play. The thought of sitting in a gondola, doing something romantic with Blaine in front of Cooper when they need to talk, just makes blackjack all the more appealing. 

Puck tried to teach him poker at a glee club sleepover. Kurt couldn't quite figure out when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em because it turned into strip blackjack with Brittany and Santana, the two girls who "weren't together," quickly losing the game and making out.

Which pissed off Puck because they wouldn't let him join in.

The canal area gives the appearance of being outside, the blue ceiling painted with fluffy white clouds scattered across it adding to the illusion. The water in the canal is a sparkling blue and the gondolas drifting by almost seem to hover. Cute stores line the fake sidewalks and shopping calls to Kurt. He's not sure which would specifically cater to gay fashionistas, but it would be fun to browse. It's a stalling tactic, and he knows it. Getting caught up in all the excitement Vegas offers means he and Blaine can put off discussing what to do next.

Blaine waves from the docking area where a line is queued up.

Charlotte says, "Later nerds. Text me when you want to do something fun."

"This is fun," Blaine calls after her.

She flips him off without turning around.

Blaine pulls Kurt into a hug. "Missed you."

"Me, too." Kurt runs his fingers through the dark curls. Blaine's shaved and changed his clothes. He's wearing a button up and a bow tie with a music note pattern and if that isn't the cutest thing ever.

A boat approaches them. A woman wearing a black boater hat, a black and white striped shirt, and black capri pants uses a pole to steer it to the dock so the couple in it can disembark.

Cooper gestures to Blaine and Kurt to get in first. Sebastian and Cooper sit in the back seats. They have to buckle up which is stupid, and there is the faint vibration of a motor. The gondolier pushes them off into the center of the canal.

"This reminds me of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride except with less pillaging and cannon fire," Kurt says. 

Blaine's eyes light up. "We should go to Disney World together."

"You don't want to do that," Sebastian moans. "Kurt acts like he's three fucking years old in the Magic Kingdom. He runs from ride to ride like a crazy person and god help the little children who get between him and the Disney princesses." 

"They'll have a great time together. Blaine pulls the exact same shit," Cooper says.

"That was one time," Blaine says. "I really wanted to meet Belle. I was also eight."

"You were seventeen, Squirt. Eight was Cinderella."

The death glare Blaine levels at Cooper is impressive. 

Sebastian just smiles. Evilly.

"How long have you been couples?" The gondolier asks. 

Her Italian accent sounds genuine. 

Kurt hears the plural in her question and opens his mouth to say that he and Blaine are the only couple, but Sebastian beats them to the punch.

"These two couldn't keep their hands off each other this weekend so they decided to get married last night. Me and this turkey," Sebastian puts his arm around Cooper's shoulders, "we've been together forever and a day and he still won't say yes. It's legal now, and I even caught the bouquet."

"Congratulations! There's a legend that if you kiss under the Ponte dei Sospiri in Venice it means a lifetime of love. We're coming up to the Venetian's replica of the bridge so you can give it a try." She winks at Sebastian. 

Cooper mumbles, "If I end up married because of this, I'm blaming you."

Under his breath, Blaine says, "I blame Cooper for us getting married. This is totally and completely his fault."

"Tequila is evil. So I blame it on the Cuervo," Kurt sings softly.

The gondolier has a beautiful soprano voice. Kurt doesn't speak any Italian outside of food items, but he assumes it's a love song. She sings part in English and he's right, it's a love song.

Al di la means you are far above me, very far

Every star will light the way above me, to where you are

Just to measure your worth I'd move heaven and earth

To be near you

You're my life, you're my love, you're my all 

Al di la

Blaine joins in when the song switches back to Italian. She startles just the tiniest bit, but her voice doesn't waver. His voice blends beautifully with the gondolier's.

A few tourists lean on the railings blocking off the canal and they wave as the gondolas go by. More watch from tables set up to look like outside cafes. Two girls in white dresses and veils smile at them from a bridge.

The newlyweds look so happy that it makes Kurt's heart hurt. That's what he's supposed to look like the day after he gets married, beaming with joy and confidence that he's with the person he's going to spend the rest of his life loving. Not like right now, with a fake smile pasted on his face, hoping to fool his favorite porn star.

He thinks about what Blaine said this morning before reality and Cooper invaded. About how Blaine wants the two of them to go on a date, several dates, and get to know each other. How weird would it be if he decides to date his husband?

Clear as day, Kurt sees the two of them strolling hand-in-hand in Central Park, both with a cup of coffee, taking in the sights and stealing kisses in between sips. And he imagines the two of them going dancing. Maybe not with the body shots like last night, but enjoying the music, grinding together, and getting worked up so that when they go back to one of their places, they can spend some time having sex before they fall into an exhausted sleep. 

Kurt doesn't subscribe to the belief that sex always includes penetration, but he really wants to fuck Blaine. What would Blaine say if Kurt asks him on a date and then back home for sex?

Blaine can get on board, probably. He seems much less freaked out about the whole being married thing. Or if he's not, he's doing a better job of hiding it.

"You should kiss under all the bridges," Cooper says.

As the boat glides under a bridge, Kurt turns to Blaine and kisses him.

The instant their lips touch, he swears electricity crackles between them. Kurt sucks Blaine's lower lip into his mouth. The kiss goes on much longer than is probably sensible in a public setting.

Someone taps Kurt on the shoulder, and he leans back. Sebastian gives him one of those looks. "Qu'est-ce que tu fais?" (What are you doing?)

Kurt shrugs because he doesn't know.

Towards the end of the canal, they drift by a boat with a couple in wedding attire smiling for a camera to capture the moment. 

"Sebastian, can you take some pictures of us?" Kurt asks. 

"Sure." He takes out his phone and taps the screen several times while Kurt and Blaine smile.

The gondolier turns them around and they float back the way they came.

"Do you take requests?" Blaine asks.

"If I know it and the song is appropriate, then yes. What did you have in mind?"

"Can you sing Romantica by Tony Dollara?" Blaine asks.

"I haven't heard that in a while, I don't remember how it starts."

Blaine shifts to face Kurt and starts singing.

Tu sei romantica

amarti e' un po' rivivere

nella semplicità

nell'irrealtà

di un altra età

Blaine's voice is amazing and it's so sexy, even if Kurt can't understand most of the words. 

Tu sei la musica

che ispira l'anima

sei tu il mio angolo

di paradisoper me

Tu sei romantica

amica delle nuvole

a te racconterò

affideròi sogni miei

perché romantica

tu sei

"Very smooth, little brother." Cooper slow claps.

"This is the Bridge of Sighs. Last chance for a kiss under it," the gondolier announces. 

"Come on Sebastian. You caught the bouquet and you know you want to," Kurt says as he grabs Sebastian's phone. He figures getting to kiss Cooper can be Sebastian's thank you for going along with the crazy.

With a smirk, Sebastian puts his arm around Cooper's waist and leans in as far as the seatbelt will allow.

Cooper sighs, but lets Sebastian kiss him.

Kurt takes several pictures.

Sebastian sits back with a dazed expression on his face.

"What are you two crazy kids doing for Valentine's Day?" Cooper asks.

"Going to the top of the Empire State building and waiting for Cary Grant," Kurt says immediately. That's always been his standard answer for what he's doing on Valentine's Day ever since he saw An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle. It doesn't matter that in both movies, the meetings don't happen as planned. The idea still appeals to his romantic side.

"I don't think planning to meet at the top of the Empire State Building and then being alone and miserable is the way to spend Valentin's Day," Sebastian says. 

"Most of my favorite romances end in tragedy," Kurt says. "You know this because I make you watch them with me."

"Like what?" Cooper asks.

"Moulin Rouge." 

"I love that movie," Blaine says. "All the singing and dancing and the tragic death."

"That's why I like my movies better. James Bondage gets his guy and has an orgasm. Boom! Happy ending."

"And all your viewers get happy endings, too," Sebastian says.

A blush creeps up over Kurt's cheeks. He doesn't care if Blaine asks him how many men he's had sex with, but he really doesn't want to have a discussion about how many times he's seen James Bondage having sex while he jerks off.

The boat gliding to a stop saves Kurt from needing to make up a reason for his face to be red. The gondolier thanks them and hopes they enjoyed the ride. 

Smiling people wait for their turn on the gondola as they disembark. 

"Next, we're going on the High Roller," Cooper says. "We can take pictures of Kurt and Blaine kissing at the top. Let's go get Charlotte."

"Don't you think they might want to go back to the hotel room for sex?" Sebastian asks.

Cooper makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. "Pfft, no. They have the rest of their lives to have sex. They have less than a day to see Vegas."

Sebastian shrugs. "J'ai essayé." (I tried)

Blaine says, "Okay, I guess." 

Cooper pulls out his phone and Kurt assumes he's texting Charlotte. They veer off towards the black jack tables. Charlotte is at the one with tall, blond, and muscular. 

"Wow," Blaine says.

"I know right?" Kurt says. He fleetingly wonders if Blaine is down with threesomes. That would be amazing, having Blaine and a blond at the same time. Maybe in a few months he can ask. 

Kurt derails that train of thought. He and Blaine are getting annulled or divorced. There won't be "a few months" for them. 

And why didn't they go to the High Roller first? It's way back over by Caesar's Palace. Whatever. It's closer to The Cosmopolitan. 

Kurt collects a dozen more pictures of naked ladies. He wordlessly hands them to Cooper.

The High Roller is enormous, much bigger than Kurt realized despite walking past it several times. Instead of individual seats like on a Farris Wheel, glass and metal spheres hang at regular intervals. Each one is big enough to hold two or three dozen people.

Cooper goes to the ticket booth with his phone, talks briefly with the person in it, and gestures to the group to follow. Metal poles with chains between them mark off the line, but only a few people are in it. Cooper runs to the end. Everyone else follows at a more sedate pace. 

A few minutes later, they head up an escalator to a room where a cartoon Elvis sings on the wall as they weave their way through the line. They exit near a bar and Cooper immediately orders alcohol for everyone. Kurt politely accepts a plastic glass of champagne and wonders how difficult it would be to not actually drink it. 

Down another corridor is the loading area. You have to step into the pods while they're moving and Kurt wonders how in the hell drunk girls in heels get inside.

Blaine goes to the edge of the bubble. Music plays and a voice lists facts and tidbits about the high roller and Vegas. As they travel up, they get a scenic view of a parking lot. 

Kurt moves closer. It's a little loud for a private conversation. He leans into Blaine, his lips just touching Blaine's ear. "We need to talk, can we ditch your brother?"

Blaine shrugs and maneuvers so he can speak softly. "Hopefully. I don't know. You see how he is. He gets an idea and it's full speed ahead damn the consequences."

Kurt laughs. It's such a accurate description. He knows intellectually that porn stars have lives and personalities, but it's so different from James Bondage.

Sebastian walks over holding his phone up, the screen facing Kurt, showing a text.

From Burt Hummel - Kurt isn't answering his phone. Have him call me. Thank you.

Shit. His dad must really want to talk if he's contacting Sebastian. Below Burt's message is an unsent text. 

From Sebastian - Kurt's phone is in the hotel room and we aren't. I'll let him know you'd like him to call, but it will be a while before he can.

Kurt nods and Sebastian sends the message before wandering away. 

"Something wrong?" Blaine asks.

"I hope not. My dad probably wants to chat and I wouldn’t be able to hear him even if my phone wasn’t in the hotel room. I'll call him back later." 

"Are you and your dad close?" Blaine asks.

"Yeah, we are," Kurt says with a wistful smile. "He's always loved me no matter what. When I came out in high school, he said that he already knew. He wasn't in love with the idea and he asked me if I was sure. I said yes and he said that he was just checking and that it was his job as a parent love me no matter what. It was my job as a kid to be whoever I'm supposed to be."

The expression on Blaine's face turns sad. "When I came out to my parents, my dad decided to try and make me straight by having me work on a car."

"And it didn't work."

"No, obviously."

"Sorry. All I meant was that I've been fixing cars since before I knew I was gay. Didn't change anything." 

An arm lands around Kurt's shoulders.

"How are you lovebirds doing?" Cooper asks. 

"Fantastic!" Kurt says.

"I told Charlotte that I have the whole day planned for the five of us, but she seems to think I need to give you a chance for some time alone so you can have hot, sweaty sex."

Kurt nearly chokes.

Realizing this could be the best way to get Cooper to leave them alone, Kurt leans over, his mouth next to Cooper's ear and says, "I'm aching for your brother. We're both going crazy right now we're about ready to rip each others clothes off and do it right here. Unless you want us getting arrested for indecent exposure and lewd conduct, you're going to leave us alone for an hour or two."

"An hour or two? What are you going to do for an hour or two?" Cooper demands.

"Why? How long do you think sex should take?" 

"Twenty minutes.”

"Really?" Kurt asks. "You're always done in twenty minutes?"

"If its fun for twenty minutes, trust me it's more fun if you go for an hour or two," Blaine says. 

"Fine," Cooper says. "But first, I have the best idea!"

Blaine pinches the bridge of his nose. "I bet it's not."

"What do you mean?" Kurt asks as Cooper wanders away.

"Well, he already talked us into getting married. Now I bet he wants to hold a dance number here in the pod with all two dozen people. I bet everyone's been drinking and is half in love with Cooper. They'll all jump around in here so much that the support brakes and we crash and then the pod'll catch on fire."

"Morbid much? You just went from a musical number to a horrible, gory death."

"When you've known Cooper longer, you'll realize that gory death is preferable to most of his plans."

"Like getting married?" Kurt asks, his voice tight with anger. 

"No, god no." Blaine reaches for Kurt's hands and squeezes them. "Getting to meet you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I do wish we weren't married, but that's just so it wouldn't be weird and I could ask you out. Instead of trying to sneak off and get an annulment, I should be planning our first perfect date and thinking about how maybe someday, if it works out, we should get married."

"I get it," Kurt says. "I just…it's so complicated."

Cooper reappears with Sebastian and Charlotte in tow. "Time for pictures. I want you to do that thing where you wrap your arms around each other and then drink the champagne, like they do at fancy weddings. That seems like the kind of thing Blaine would miss since you didn't do a big thing."

"I'm supposed to hug him while we drink champagne? That sounds messy," Blaine says, the corner of his mouth twitching. 

"No," Cooper says with an exasperated sigh. "You just wrap your arms through each others so that they're linked when you drink the champagne. I know you've seen it in a million movies."

Blaine shakes his head. "Not a clue."

"Here, like this," Kurt says." He knows Blaine is bullshitting Cooper, but he can roll with it. Kurt holds his glass of champagne out towards Blaine and has Blaine do the same. They link their arms through each others so they are connected, but they can still drink out of their glasses.

It's awkward and it's sweet and it's romantic. Charlotte takes pictures.

"Now kiss," Cooper says. "Kiss, kiss, kiss."

Sebastian, being a total and complete asshole, starts chanting with him. 

Kurt and Blaine untangle and kiss. The intention is for it to be a quick peck, just long enough to get Cooper to be quiet. But the moment that Kurt's lips touch Blaine's, the electricity is back. That same sense of connection and chemistry that they had the night before and also under the Ponte dei Sospiri.

Someone takes the champagne glass out of Kurt's hand. He doesn't look and see who it is, he's simply glad that he doesn't need to drop it on the floor to get to Blaine. Both of his arms wrapped around Blaine's neck and Blaine's hands settle on his hips, holding him close.

Kurt can feel how hard Blaine is against him and he knows that Blaine can feel how hard he is. Blaine's hands slide lower and grab his ass.

They really need to stop. They are up in the air hundreds of feet high, with no way to escape to the hotel room. Kurt's not going to grind against Blaine until they both come in their pants, no matter how tempting it is. It wouldn't take much, few thrusts and they could both be satisfied.

And sticky and gross and embarrassed and he will never hear the end of it from Sebastian. Or Cooper. Nope nope nope.

Kurt forces himself away. Blaine's eyes are dilated, only the faintest hint of hazel surrounding the pupils. 

"But I want to see the pirate ship at Treasure Island," Cooper wines. "I have a list."

"Can I see it and your sharpie?" Sebastian asks. 

Cooper reaches into his back pocket and hands both over. 

Sebastian writes on the paper and gives it back. "I fixed it for you."

"Hey!" Cooper points at Sebastian. "You crossed off everything except dinner and wrote sex across it."

"You're the best brother-in-law a guy could have," Kurt says. "You're cute and you're funny. However, my husband and I want to be alone. So, I'm apologizing in advance. Whatever you have planned for after this, I'm taking Blaine back to my hotel room and we'll see you for dinner."

Kurt isn't sure what sort of reaction to expect from Cooper. 

However, being Cooper, he smiles brightly. "I understand. Anderson men are irresistible."

All Kurt wants to do is drag Blaine back to his hotel room so they can have more sex.

A glance out the window shows that they're closer to the ground then Kurt anticipated, but not all the way down yet. If he had a superpower, he would use it to put his fist through the wall and fly him and Blaine to the hotel. He wants to go now.

Sebastian laughs at Kurt. 

"I think we need to leave them alone," Charlotte says. "They both look like they're ready to punch you if you get in the way."

"Don't get between Kurt and the man he wants," Sebastian warns. "He'll use his ninja skills to land you face first on the floor."

"Maybe we could do that for a movie," Cooper says excitedly. "I can try to have sex with Blaine and then Kurt can come and pull me off and then the two of them can fuck."

Blaine goes bright red. "I'm your brother. That's disgusting."

"There's a whole bunch of porn dedicated to siblings and twins," Charlotte says. "And not of all of them are gay."

Sebastian puts his arm around Cooper shoulder. "You, me, and Charlotte can go to Treasure Island and we'll leave these two alone. I have a feeling if we don't, someone's gonna start throwing something and I don't want to get a face full of champaign." He hands Kurt's glass back to him and says, "Tu me dois." (You owe me.)

Cooper pouts. "Are you sure you don't want to see the pirate ship?"

"Not my fault, bro," Blaine says. "You're the one who decided that Kurt and I should get married last night. So you have to deal with the fact that we're newlyweds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs are Al Di La by Connie Francis and Romantica by Tony Dollara. I'm pretty sure all the gondoliers actuall sing That's Amore but that's boring. ;)
> 
> Kurt doesn't understand Italian, so no translations, but you can listen to both on YouTube or your favorite online place for music.


	10. Chapter Ten

Finally there’s only one pod in front of them to disembark before Kurt can get out of there and back to the hotel room. 

Sebastian keeps giggling to himself at Kurt's impatience. 

As soon as the door slides open, Kurt and Blaine are the first off. Blaine sort of half waves over his shoulder as he and Kurt take off hand in hand, practically running.

Kurt declines all the business cards with pictures of naked ladies on them. He has places to go and people to do, and he doesn't want to waste time on politeness for anyone getting between him and the hotel room.

Once inside The Cosmopolitan, Kurt focuses on getting to the bank of elevators across from the restaurant as quickly as possible. He reminds himself that they don't know each other and what if Blaine has a bunch of extreme kinks?

Kurt pushes his worries away. He and Blaine can have sex and then sort out what to do next. Kurt's confident that if they try to have a conversation about their future before they have sex, one of them will say, "lets stay married" and the other person will say, "yeah, sure, as long as we can have sex now."

It's ridiculous how badly Kurt wants Blaine.

Kurt might be willing to consider exhibitionism as a kink, but not in an elevator in the casino with a group of people who are all probably straight. Kurt doesn't pay much attention as a few people exit on their floors. All he can focus on is keeping his hands to himself so he doesn't attack Blaine until they get inside the room. As soon as the doors open on their floor, they run down the hall. A couple walking towards the elevator grin at them and the woman gives Kurt wink.

They hurry to the room, Kurt sticks the key card in the slot on the first try, and he pushes the door open. The instant it closes behind them, Blaine is all over Kurt. He's got one hand in Kurt's hair and one hand on his ass. Blaine is just as hard as Kurt and Kurt moans to let Blaine know that they need to move this towards the bed.

"Please tell me you want to fuck me," Blaine says breathlessly. "If you don't, I think I'm going to die."

"Yes, I want to fuck you," Kurt says and kisses Blaine, sucking Blaine's tongue into his mouth. 

They get naked in a matter of moments, clothes falling on the floor wherever they land.

Kurt pulls them backwards towards the bed, turns them around, and falls. They bounce a few times, Kurt giggling against Blaine's mouth.

Blaine rolls them so he's on top. Kurt loves Blaine's weight pressing down on him. He grabs two handfuls of ass and kneads the muscles. "I want you to ride me," Kurt says without breaking the kiss.

It only takes a moment to grab the bottle of lube. Kurt snaps open the top and squirt some lube on his fingers without looking. Too much gushes out, but Kurt doesn't care. He rubs it around on his fingers a few times to warm it. 

Kurt strokes his fingers across the puckered muscle, easing his way in and spreading his fingers. Blaine's ass is hot and tight and Kurt can't wait to have his dick inside it.

When Blaine starts fucking himself back on Kurt's fingers, Kurt adds a third one, moving them around.

He's not sure if he's at the right angle to reach Blaine's prostate. Kurt desperately wants to make Blaine beg and moan the way Blaine had made him do it last night. He reaches in a little further and finds the magic spot.

The noises that come out of Blaine's mouth are an obscene mixture of swearing and moaning.

Blaine says, "If you keep doing that, the party's going to be over before you get to join in."

"We can't have that." Kurt slides his fingers out and reaches for the condom packet. He rips it open, pinches the tip and rolls the condom on, pausing for just a moment to slick up the outside, and then he steadies himself, the tip of his dick at Blaine's opening. 

Blaine slowly lowers himself onto Kurt, sliding down with a groan. 

"So hot," Kurt says, slowly thrusting up. He grips Blaine's hips hard enough to leave bruises. No matter what happens, Blaine will be thinking about him for a few days at least. 

It doesn't take long for them to find a push pull rhythm that leaves them both panting. Blaine leans forward, pressing their chests together, and kissing Kurt wet and sloppy. 

The first time they had sex, Kurt had been focused on getting fucked with Jayson Sinn's dildo. This time, Kurt wants to savor each moment and enjoy every sensation.

Kurt loves feeling this close to Blaine, as close as two people can be. He wants it to go on forever.

"You're amazing," Blaine says. His lips slide along Kurt's jaw and down his neck. He bites, gently at first and then harder.

Kurt moans, tilting his head to give Blaine as much access as he wants. He's going to have hickies tomorrow and he doesn't care.

Blaine's body shakes and he grinds down, and Kurt knows he's getting close. Kurt slides his hand up Blaine's hip to grab his dick, stroking it hard and fast. Blaine thrusts faster.

It doesn't take long before Blaine is coming with a whimper. Kurt loves the way Blaine sags bonelessly on to him after orgasm. He gives Blaine a moment to catch has his breath before thrusting up repeatedly into Blaine's relaxed body.

Kurt's orgasm radiates out, his back arching and his toes curling. It's not quite as intense as the one last night, but in some ways it's better because he knows Blaine better. The little voice in his head reminds him that he really doesn't know Blaine and the connection is probably more orgasms than actual closeness.

What now? Kurt wonders as he lays there, sated and sweaty. He removes the condom and wraps it in a tissue before tossing it in the trash. Kurt's eyes blink closed. 

Blaine shifts, resting on Kurt's shoulder. "Nap first," he mumbles. 

"Sure sweetie," Kurt murmurs.

Blaine snuggles closer. "You're the best."

Xoxoxxoxo

A sticky, encrusted patch on Kurt's chest reminds him that he thought with his dick and fucked Blaine instead of sorting out the mess.

The warm body shifts next to him. "Time iz it?" Blaine mumbles against Kurt's neck.

A glance at the clock tell him it's later than he wants. "Five forty-three."

"Shit!" Bane yells as his sits up. "Cooper's going to invade in twenty minutes so we can all go to dinner. Can we take a shower together?"

"I'm pretty sure you saw me naked when we had sex a little while ago. Why would you ask?"

Blaine grasps both of Kurt's hands in his. "I would never make assumptions about what's okay and what's not. Even if we've been together for months, I wouldn't assume everything is okay just because it was once before. Besides, I'm in such a good mood, I want to sing in the shower."

Kurt softens. Blaine said "together for months" and Kurt couldn't imagine anything more amazing then months of sex and dates with Blaine. They could go to Kurt's favorite sushi restaurant and then a movie. Blaine's already met Sebastian, but Kurt wants to introduce Blaine as his significant other to Rachel and Santana. 

Maybe not to Santana right away. He'll need to provide a warning first. He doesn't want her to scare Blaine off with talk about razor blades all up in her hair. Kurt still couldn't say for absolute certainty that she wasn't packing on a regular basis. 

Rachel would want them all to go out for karaoke and Sebastian would want them to go dancing. "Do you normally sing in the shower?" Kurt asks.

"Sometimes." Blaine shrugs. "The acoustics are good in the bathroom at my place and my housemates get tired of hearing me sing all the time. Why, looking to be serenaded? It would be better if I played the guitar or piano while I sing."

Heat flutters across Kurt's cheeks. "Um, no. I do it all the time. I didn't want you to think it's weird."

"After dinner, lets play twenty questions. But shower first? I don't want Cooper dragging us out of here naked and sweaty because we aren't ready to go."

"Would he?" Kurt asks as he heads into the bathroom and turns on the water. 

"He's threatened to. When I was in high school, I went to Sadie Hawkins with the only other out guy and after it was over, we got the crap beat out of us. I transferred to a private school and when senior prom rolled around, I didn't want to go. Cooper said I couldn't let those motherfuckers win and I was going even if he had to use his porn star bondage skills to tie me up and drop me in the middle of the ballroom where prom was at, I was going, even if I was naked. Or I could rent a tux and he'd let me drive his nice car and he'd treat to dinner and a hotel room if I got lucky."

"What a wonderful brother," Kurt says. 

"I guess. He got one of his friends to be my date."

Kurt nearly chokes.

Blaine sticks his hand under the water and steps in the shower. "Yeah, that was my reaction, too. Especially when Cooper told me, repeatedly, that the guy had a thing for me and would love to take me back to a hotel room and keep me up all night."

Kurt climbs in. It's a little crowded in the shower. They aren't right on top of each other, but it's awkward being in such a brightly lit and confined space.

"Did you go?" Kurt asks. That would be the best prom story ever. Better than his prom. 

"Yeah," Blaine says slowly. "That guy was sexy and it was fun to have an older date. I mean, he wasn't that much older and he looked young. I don't know if Cooper had to pull some strings to get the guy into the dance, but you've seen how he is. Cooper smiles at everyone and if they aren't in love with him already, then they are by the time he's done charming them."

"Did the guy keep you up all night?" Kurt asks, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. He puts some body wash on a washcloth and begins soaping his legs. 

"No. I came almost the instant he touched me. He thought it was cute and liked that I was so into it. I got him off with a hand job and my teenage refractory period was pretty non-existent, so the second time, I got to enjoy it. Then I basically passed out. It was nice, even if it wasn't super special or anything. I liked the fact that there were no strings or expectations that we be a couple."

"You didn't get attached?" Kurt is curious. When he was in high school, the thought of casual sex would have freaked him out.

"I knew going into it that it was a one time thing. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all and definitely not one still in high school. I was headed to New York in a few months, anyway. He was patient and he didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to. That's what I wanted in a prom date."

"I went to junior prom with Sebastian as friends. The homophobic assholes at school voted me prom queen and the moron that was the principal not only didn't attempt to fix it, he announced me as queen."

Blaine's jaw drops. "I'd ask if you're kidding, but I don't think you'd joke about that."

Kurt rubs some shampoo in his hair. "It got worse. The prom king was the self hating closet-case that kissed me in the locker room when I told him to leave me alone."

"That's terrible."

"You should have seen Sebastian. I had to promise him I'd take him to the gay bar and be his wing man to convince him to back off."

Kurt remembers it vividly - standing between Sebastian and Dave, telling Sebastian that Dave wasn't the problem and he had forgiven Dave and would Sebastian please dance with him because if he's going to be queen, he wants his fucking dance. 

"I still have the crown and scepter." Kurt conditions his hair. "Do my back?"

"I'd like to do a lot more than wash your back," Blaine says, taking the wash cloth and scrubbing it in long smooth strokes down Kurt's back. Blaine moves lower, washing between the cheeks of Kurt's ass.

"We don't have time," Kurt moans. "What happened to Cooper dragging us out of here naked?"

"I'm not sure I care right now." Blaine drops the washcloth and presses his chest against Kurt's back.

"Down, boy. All we have time for is jerking each other off."

Warm kisses trail down his spine.

"You're no fun."

"Nope. None at all."

There's a faint thud behind him. Kurt looks over his shoulder and sees Blaine is on his knees, hands on Kurt's ass, holding the cheeks apart, his mouth so close.

"Please?"

Kurt assumes Blaine means, "please may I rim you?" Kurt swallows. "Yes."

Blaine pulls with his thumbs, exposing Kurt's hole and causing it to twitch in anticipation. There's a soft press of warm tongue and then Blaine is licking and sucking like this is his favorite thing to do ever. 

Blaine pulls off Kurt.

"Why did you stop?" Kurt wines. "That felt so good."

"I want to convince you we have time for sex before dinner. How'm I doing?"

Kurt's asshole clenches in anticipation. 

"I'd say you like the idea."

"Understatement," Kurt breathes. 

Blaine goes back to rimming Kurt, shaping his tongue into a point, and pushing as much of it inside Kurt as he can. Blaine is nowhere near Kurt's prostate, and Kurt suspects that it's partially on purpose. He lays his forearm on the warm, damp tile and rests his forehead against it, spreading his legs a little further apart.

"If I get you off right now, are you still gonna be in the mood for sex later?" Blaine asks.

"Yes and if you don't get me off now, I'm never going to be able to fit my dick in any of the pants I brought with me."

"Then we'd have to stay here." Blaine playfully nips at Kurt's ass. "That's not much of a threat." He stands up and slides one arm across Kurt's chest holding him tightly. A squeeze of the conditioner bottle and Blaine is wrapping his now slippery hand around Kurt's dick and stroking. Blaine's dick is curved up against the base of Kurt's spine, the tip leaking warm fluid. 

Blaine thrusts in time to the movements of his hand. The movement stutters shortly before a warm splash up Kurt's back. Blaine buries his face in Kurt's neck and moans when he comes, his whole body shivering against Kurt's. It doesn't take much after that for Kurt to come, a few strokes from Blaine's hand and Kurt is coming all over it. Kurt's legs shake and he knows he should sit down before he falls over. 

"We better finish cleaning up and get out of the shower. I don't actually want your brother to drag us down to dinner naked."

Blaine kisses Kurt's shoulder before letting go. "As you wish."

They finish up quickly, Kurt making sure that he's washed all the soap and conditioner off while Blaine conditions his hair and rinses it out.

They exit the bathroom, Kurt with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair, and Blaine with a towel slung low on his hips. 

Clothes are strewn on every flat surface and all over the floor. It looks like the aftermath of a Black Friday Sale.

Blaine rummages through his suitcase. "Shit!" 

"Problem?" Kurt asks.

"Um...no?"

Kurt pulls on underwear and pants. "You don't sound sure."

"In an attempt to be helpful, Cooper replaced all my regular underwear with thongs. It's fine, I can wear these."

Blaine drops the towel on the floor, steps into the underwear, and pulls them up. The thong does amazing things for Blaine's dick. It looks ginormous in the tiny underwear.

"What?" Blaine asks, hands on his hips and looking concerned.

"I'm thinking if you ever want your brother to get you into the porn industry, you should wear those." 

"I'm not sure I'd be able to have sex in front of a bunch of people. I know Cooper manages, but he's kind of an attention whore and for him, all those people watching probably helps," Blaine says.

"I don't know why he thinks I'd make such a good Bondage Boy. I'm pretty sure if I got in front of the camera, I'd lose my erection and that would be the end of the shot."

"Apparently, they have fluffers."

Kurt thinks about it for a moment. "Is a fluffer somebody who periodically comes over and strokes the star's dick to keep it hard?"

"I think so. I didn't really watch much porn before and since my brother is in the industry, it looses most of it's appeal. I've heard too many stories to make porn sexy."

A knock at the door startles Kurt. He's still wearing a towel on his head. 

"Just a minute," Kurt yells.

Kurt pulls on a shirt and runs to the bathroom to fix his hair. It's never going to cooperate when it's wet. He rubs a towel over his hair and he's going to hate himself later when he looks like he's stuck his finger in a socket. A few spritzes of hair spray and it's as good as it's going to get. 

He goes back in the main room to find Sebastian, Charlotte, and Cooper waiting. A smirk grows on Sebastian's face. He reaches up and pets Blaine's hair and does the same to Kurt. "Nice. You both have wet hair."

Kurt shrugs because he's right. 

"Did you get all dirty and need to clean up or shower sex?"

"Both." Blaine blushes like he didn't mean to say that. 

Sebastian high fives him.

"Why is this a thing?” Kurt demands. "I don't want you high-fiving Blaine every time he steps out of my room."

"Is he going to be getting some every time he's in your room?" 

"None of your business."

"You two live together?" Charlotte asks, looking between the two of them.

Shit! Kurt's completely forgotten that Blaine won't be moving in and it's not a god damn issue because they may be married, but they aren't actually together.

"This started after we got married," Kurt says. "Because Sebastian is an ass and he thinks married people never do it."

"My dad's a dick and he'd be much nicer if he we're getting laid," Sebastian says. 

Kurt's met Mr. Smythe many times over the years and he agrees. "My parents have sex," Kurt says and shudders. He walked in on his dad and Carol once. They installed a lock immediately. 

"Dad and step-mom," Sebastian adds. 

"I haven't called her step-mom since forever and same for Finn with my dad. She's my mom, he's my brother," Kurt says. 

Sebastian gives him one of those looks, probably because there is no way in hell Kurt and Finn could share DNA.

"Dad carried a torch for my mom for years after she died. They'd still be having sex if she were alive."

"Mine are probably doing it once a year, if that," Blaine says. 

"Guess again," Cooper says. "Mom asked me a bunch of questions after I told her about my acting career."

The horrified expression on Blaine's face is priceless and everyone laughs.

"But that was when you first started, right?"

"Naw, this was right before Christmas. She wanted to know about sex toys that are good for prostate play."

Blaine sputters, "Ewe. Did you tell her?"

"Um, yeah. I don't want mom going up there with some unsafe jelly toy and dad having a bad reaction. Then we'd get a call from the ER about dad being laid up for a few days or weeks with a sore ass. No thank you."

"Can we talk about something else?" Charlotte asks. "I like your mom and all, but I don't really want to think about her and your dad getting it on. Your mom's a babe, so I understand. I'd get up on that. But parental sex, not my thing."

"Kurt's dad is hot, if you like the trucker type. I don't blame Carol for wanting a piece of that."

Kurt slaps Sebastian on the arm. "Gross."

"And I'm jealous that he spanked you. I'd let him bend me over and spank my bare ass anytime," Sebastian says.

Kurt launches himself at Sebastian, knocking him back on the bed with an oof. Kurt pins Sebastian's hands over his head. "Give me one good reason not to strangle you cuz I'm about two seconds away from it."

"You didn't tell me you're into breath play, but I'm down. My safe word is idiot."

Kurt grinds his teeth together. "Your safe word can't be something we yell at each other all the time."

Sebastian sighs. "Uncle. I give up. I love and adore your dad and I'd never come on to him or let him spank me. I'm sorry and I apologize."

Kurt's eyes narrow. "Fine." He gets off Sebastian, climbs off the bed, and straightened his clothes. "There are lines you don't cross. My dad love me and accepts my sexuality and I won't have you fucking that up by fucking with him."

Sebastian pulls Kurt into a hug. "I'm so jealous of your relationship with your dad because of how much he loves you. I'd never do anything to jeopardize it. Never. And not just because your dad treats me better than mine does. Besides, I want to go to your place on Thanksgiving. Carols sweet potatoes are the best. And it's fun cuddling with you and watching your dad turn red while Carol points out that we live together and we can do worse when we're alone."

"Oh my god, you have to stop doing that. Dad nearly has another heart attack when you pull that shit." 

Sebastian makes a face. "Sorry. I'll keep my hands to myself next time."

"Are we going?" Charlotte asks. "This is fascinating, but I'm hungry and I'm leaving. At this point, I don't care. I have a kindle in my purse and I can eat by myself."

So of course, Burt picks that moment to call. 

"I need to take this, it's my dad," Kurt says. He taps his phone.

"Kurt, how's your trip going?"

Burt's tone is off and reminds him of the time that Mercedes threw a rock and destroyed the windshield of his navigator. His dad knew he was being lied to and it wasn't until Kurt came out a little while later that he finally fessed up to the entire story. 

"Fine, Dad. Everything is awesome," Kurt says and winces. He sounds like Finn. 

"Really? Anything new you want to tell me?"

"Nope." Kurt purposefully keeps the answer vague so Cooper and Charlotte don't start asking questions. 

"Why did you send me pictures of you getting married that say, 'I got there first, bitch' followed by several exclamation points?"

Kurt yanks his phone away from his ear and scrolls through his sent texts. There are several he apparently sent to Rachel that also when to his dad and Elliot. 

"Those were only supposed to go to Rachel." Which is a horrible excuse for texting pics of your drunk Vegas wedding with a stranger to your dad.

"You call your girlfriends bitches? I raised you better than that."

"Not usually, but you see how she treats Finn when they're dating. I love her to death, but she's kind of a bitch."

The long silence confirms that Burt agrees with him. 

"I can't even tell who you married. There's you and a pirate, you and some other guy and a girl and I don't even know. Did you and Sebastian get married?"

"No," Kurt says immediately. 

The moment of truth. He can confess everything and Cooper and Charlotte will hear or lie.

"Can we talk about this later?" Kurt asks. 

"No. We can talk about it now. Tell me what's going on. Right now, or I'm getting on a plane and tracking you down in Vegas."

Kurt lets out a frustrated sigh. "I got married yesterday. It was a last minute decision. I was going to call you when I got home to share the news."

"That's it? Thats all you have to say," Burt demands. 

"It's not the best time. Can I call you tomorrow when I get home?"

"Great!" Burt says, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "My little boy gets married and now's not a good time to talk."

"I'm an adult," Kurt says like it makes a difference. He knows his dad still sees him as a three year old asking for a pair of sensible heels. Out of the corner of his eye, Charlotte exchanges a worried look with Cooper. Danger, Will Robinson and damn Sam for making him watch that stupid, stupid show. 

"Kurt, so help me-"

"What? You'll ground me? You're two thousand miles away right now and I'm even farther than that from my room." 

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel! Don't you dare talk to me like that."

Sebastian raises his eyebrows. "Comment est-il énervé?" (How pissed is he?)

Kurt mouthes, "Middle name."

"Busted!" Sebastian says under his breath.

"Is that guy you married there?" Burt demands. "Put him on the phone. I'm going to verbally rip his head off and then do it for real when I see him."

"I know this is sudden-"

"Sudden? I talked to you two weeks ago and you weren't dating anyone. How in the hell can you think getting married was a good idea? How long have you known him?" 

Kurt swallows and decides his dad's health is more important. Thinking back, he remembers what they told Cooper about not being together for a little while a month ago and he repeats some of it.

"I need to meet this guy," Burt says. "I can fly out next weekend."

It kills Kurt that he's going to have to take this all back, tell his dad that he won the right to get legally married only to make a drunken mistake. 

And that's when it hits Kurt. He's married. Officially and legally married. He's been coasting along all day like it's no big deal because he knew he could get it annulled and pretend this never happened. Sebastian might tease him, but never in front of Kurt's dad. Burt knows. Panic settles in Kurt's chest. 

Kurt takes a deep, steadying breath. And another. "Can we wait till I get back home to make plans? I want to see you." That, at least, wasn't a lie. Kurt may be a grown up, but he wants to cuddle up to his dad and cry his eyes out. 

"You better call me Monday evening or I'm heading to New York with or without your okay."

"I love you dad."

"Love you too, kid."

Kurt disconnects the the call and stares at his phone. What's he going to do? 

"How's Mr. H?" Sebastian asks.

"Apparently, I drunk texted him pictures of what looks like me at the center of a group wedding involving several guys and a girl."

Sebastian chokes. "What the fuck did he say?"

"He wants to come to New York and meet Blaine."

"Shit. What now?"

"Is there some reason Kurt's dad doesn't like Blaine?" Cooper asks.

"My dad doesn't like the idea of his baby having sex and this was kind of sudden," Kurt says. "Give him a break."

"Cooper," Blaine says carefully, "family relationships are complicated. Please don't get on Kurt's case because he isn't doing something the way you would. You know what dad's going to say to me, right? Nothing. Not a god damned word. He'll shrug and ask mom what's for dinner."

Cooper's face falls. "He loves you. He loves you more than me. I'm the screw up who didn't finish college and gets naked to make money."

"Well, I'm gay and I'll never be good enough."

"Are you two fighting about how you're each loved less by your parents? Lame," Charlotte says. "I need a cigarette and I'm going to dinner." She turns and marches out the door.

As everyone follows, Kurt tugs on Blaine's arm so they can hang back a moment. It's going to suck demanding Blaine tell Cooper the truth so they can get their marriage annulled, but it needs to be done. "I'm serious. After dinner, we need to talk."

One side of Blaine's mouth pulls up into a sad half smile. "I know."


	11. Chapter Eleven

"Cooper, thanks for taking us to dinner, but I want to go back to the room and be alone with Blaine. The call from my dad kind of got to me," Kurt says.

"Sure, no problem," Cooper says quickly. "That's part of being married, right? Good times and bad and all that jazz."

"Don't quote musicals, Cooper," Blaine says. "You never understand the point."

"The point of Chicago was to see Catherine Zeta Jones in lingerie."

"Annnnnd that's why we don't watch movies together," Blaine says.

"We saw that horror movie last time I was in New York."

"You spent the entire movie cheering every time one of the girls shirts got ripped and you could see part of a bra."

"The movie was stupid," Cooper wined. "I couldn't figure out if the killer was a ghost or a vampire or Frankenstein's monster. Wait! Was it Frankenstein's monster who got bit by a vampire and then got killed and became a ghost? That would be cool."

"There weren't any monsters, vampires, or ghosts. Do you fall asleep and make stuff up?" Blaine asks. 

"Enough!" Sebastian yells. "Holy shit, knock it off. If I want to see fighting, I'll just tell Kurt that the only good McQueen is Oliver McQueen."

"Alexander McQueen is a genius!" Kurt yells. 

"Nope, Green Arrow is a much better dresser."

Kurt gasps. "Blasphemy!"

"You two do realize that the Green Arrow is Oliver Queen, not McQueen," Blaine says.

"Oh, my god. You're not just a nerd, you're a comic book nerd," Charlotte says.

Blaine smile sweetly. "It's the nerds who have all the money these days."

"He's got you there," Cooper says.

"I've had enough. Sebastian, go with Cooper and Charlotte," Kurt says.

"No, I'm going back to the room with you and Blaine for a threesome. I call middle."

Cooper points at Sebastian. "Good luck with that. I'm pretty sure that even if you're there, they'll forget all about you before you get any play. Look at them. They're going to get back to the room, rip each other's clothes off and, with any luck, the sex haze will clear before you guys have to leave. Otherwise, you can get an eyeful tomorrow morning when you take the two lovebirds to the airport."

Kurt hugs Cooper. "It was wonderful to meet you. You're the best brother-in-law I could ask for." It's true. Cooper would be so much fun at Christmas, buying them something inappropriate and arguing with Blaine about it. 

Cooper hugs him back. "I hope I didn't push you too much to get married. I just want Blaine to be happy. And I was drinking."

"It's fine," Kurt says. "It means so much to Blaine that you love him and look out for him." He's not sure either is true, that things are fine or that Blaine appreciates Cooper's love and occasionally misplaced affection. But it's the best he can offer under the circumstances. 

How is Cooper going to react when Blaine tells him the truth? Will he be angry? Try to find the humor in the situation? Want to hunt Kurt down and wring his neck? The only consolation is that Kurt won't be around to find out.

Cooper grabs Blaine into a hug and spins him around several times. "Be good to Kurt. He deserves it for putting up with your stupid face."

"Your face is stupid." 

"Don't forget I'll be in town this summer," Cooper says. "We should go to a club. And Kurt can come visit me in LA whenever he wants."

Blaine glowers. "Hey!"

"I'll be here at ten tomorrow morning so we have time to catch our plane." Sebastian hugs Kurt quickly and quietly says, "It'll be okay. You're a princess and a bad-ass motherfucker. You can handle this."

Kurt smiles, knowing it's forced.

Cooper doesn't seem to notice. 

Charlotte gives Blaine and Kurt a quick hug and leaves with the others. 

"What now?" Blaine asks.

For the first time since they met, Kurt isn't overwhelmed with the desire for sex. He wants Blaine, that hasn't changed. But it's not the overwhelming all consuming need that resulted in getting married. 

"Can we take a walk and figure out what we're going to do?" Kurt asks. The likelihood that he'll jump Blaine if they go back to the room makes the walk a safer option. What they need is a little time. 

Blaine holds out his hand and Kurt takes it. They walk past the cupcake shop and the same girl from the night before is behind the counter. It seems like a million years ago that he and Blaine got married and it hasn't even been twenty four hours. What a difference a day makes. 

"How are we going to tell your brother?" Kurt asks. "I feel bad about lying to him and my dad."

"I want to go on a date with you in New York. I know it's probably silly to suggest it, but you're amazing."

"I just...," Kurt trails off because there are so many ways to finish that sentence. I just want to wake up and have this be a dream. I just want to stay married and have it magically work because I don't want to get divorced. I just want to help you fix your time machine so we don't have to deal with all this.

"Tell me why you think it can't work," Blaine says. "Not because we shouldn't be married so quickly. Another reason."

"I'm horrible with money," Kurt says. "I give into the temptation to spend, especially on clothes. If I didn't have a roommate who pays most of the bills, I wouldn't be able to afford living in New York City. I have some student loans that'll be a bitch to pay off on my pitiful salary."

"My parents are rich and give me more money than I need. They're paying my living expenses through June of next year and they paid for school. That's not a problem. I don't mind being in charge of our finances. What else?"

"I'm picky about so many things. My clothes. The cleanliness of the house and how it's decorated. Healthy food. I get pissy when I get sick. Sebastian sets chicken soup near my door and then hides in his room. I'm insecure. I spent so much time being told that I'm worthless that a part of me believes it's true. I get crazy before auditions. And speaking of Sebastian, he's an important part of my life and I won’t be able to handle it if you two can't or won't get along. I like watching your brother have sex so I can masturbate. Should I keep going?"

"Yes," Blaine says. 

Kurt takes a deep breath. He's never said this out loud before. "I had sex with Sebastian. We'd been drinking at a club. I was tired of being a virgin. Well, I'd done a few things, but nothing felt like it counted. Anyway, some jerk made a rude comment about me to try and get in Sebastian's pants. Sebastian told the guy off, we went back home and got in bed together. And sex happened."

Kurt waits a moment for Blaine to start screaming. 

"Is that it?" Blaine asks.

"Basically. The next morning was awkward as fuck, but we went back to normal after I slapped him across the face and told him that we weren't dating and he better not make things weird. Not my finest moment, by the way. He still doesn't know it was my first time and he'll lie and say nothing ever happened between us if you ask. We don't talk about it ever. Not even as a joke."

Blaine hesitates. "Was it bad?"

Kurt shakes his head. "No. It was good. It's just not us. We're codependent platonic life partners. Being friends with benefits would make us both miserable."

"I don't know if your expecting me to scream about it or what, but I'm actually kind of relieved that you won't always wonder if you and Sebastian could've had something. Your first time should have been good. All your times should have been good. I mean, I'd like to think that you like sex with me best, but I certainly didn't think you were a virgin till last night. You're way too good at sucking cock for that."

Kurt smiles. Maybe there's hope after all. "I love where Sebastian and I live and I don't want to move."

"I have a cat," Blaine says. "I adore her to pieces. Can we have a cat at your place?"

"What kind?"

"She's an American bobtail. Her name is Kitty Purry."

A bark of laughter escapes Kurt. "You named your cat Kitty Purry? Of course you did."

Blaine blushes. "Well, what else would I name a cat?"

"You don't get to name our kids."

"You want to have kids," Blaine says with a soft smile.

"I think so. Leslie already volunteered to be the surrogate. I think I'd rather adopt, though. There are lots of kids that need a good home. But not anytime soon. I need to get settled in my career and I want to save some money. I don't even want to have a serious discussion about having kids for at least five years."

"Someday for me, too, but not anytime soon. I have a few things on my bucket list to do first.

"I can't believe I'm considering this," Kurt mumbles to himself. He's not actually considering this, is he? "What's your kinkiest fantasy? I need to know if you’re into some crazy shit like shit."

"I'm not that kinky, but I think I could be, with the right person.” Blaine shrugs.

"I want to tie you up, spank your ass, and fuck you while you're sore." Kurt’s heart hammers in his chest. He's only done it a couple of times, but it winds his crank like nothing else."

"We can do that," Blaine says.

"Really? It's not something that I want to do all the time, but every once in a while, I get in the mood for it." 

"We should take some time to think about this," Blaine says. "Valentine's Day is in a few weeks. Let's meet at the top of the Empire State Building. If we're both there, fantastic. We'll make this work. If not, we know we need to proceed with an annulment or divorce."

"How many times have you seen An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle?"

"Best double feature ever."

Kurt starts giggling. "You're ridiculous."

"Oh come on. You said in the gondola that your plan for Valentine's Day is to meet Cary Grant at the top of the Empire State Building. Meet me instead."

"So, that's it. We're going to think about this and wait until Valentine's Day to know what we both want to do next?"

"No?" Blaine says. "I was kind of hoping you take me back to the hotel room, spank my ass, and fuck me while I'm sore. If it's something you enjoy doing, I want to know if it's something I like, too. And I bet you can be very persuasive when you want to."

Kurt's mouth goes dry. Blaine wants Kurt to spank him. Kurt flexes his hand and then curls it into a fist. "Are you sure?"

“Yes."

The scarf Kurt has on right now is nice, but it would still work for tying Blaine up. He wouldn't be super secure, but for something like this, that might be better. 

Kurt starts to freak out when they get to the hotel room. "Are you sure about this? It can be kind of intense."

"I've never fucked anyone with a dildo before, especially not a dildo that's one of my brother's awards. That was intense and I was totally in to it."

"Okay then. Get naked."

Blaine strips, tossing his clothes towards his open suitcase. Most miss.

When Blaine turns around, his dick is hard and leaking, curving up towards his stomach.

Kurt licks his lips. "Shit, that's hot," he says without meaning to.

Blaine looks around. "So how do we do this?"

"Hold out your arms. I'll tie them with scarf and then have you get on the bed on your elbows and knees."

Arms out and wrists together, Blaine waits. Kurt wraps the scarf around Blaine's wrists and ties it in a bow. Blaine could definitely get out.

"Safe word?" Kurt asks.

"Do we need one?"

"Yes," Kurt says. "I'm not into punishment. I think spankings are hot and it's supposed to be fun for you. And even though I'll stop if you say stop, I still want you to have a specific safe word. I get off on you trusting me and we haven't known each other long enough to go without. Suggestion?"

The corners of Blaine's mouth twitch. "Beetlejuice."

"It's better than idiot." 

Blaine leans down, resting on his elbows, his legs spread and his ass in the air. 

"I'm going to get your ready." Kurt uses two and then three fingers to open Blaine up. It doesn't take long for Blaine to beg for more. Kurt rolls on a condom so he won't have to stop later. 

The muscles of Blaine's ass flutter. 

"You ready?" Kurt asks.

"Hit me with your best shot," Blaine says.

"Okay, Patty, now you're asking for it." Kurt brings his palm down on Blaine's ass. The smacking sound is perfect and Kurt loves the sting on his hand.

He spanks Blaine again. The moans that come out of Blaine's mouth are completely obscene. Blaine buries his face in the bedspread. "Do that again, please?"

Kurt spanks him again, a little harder this time. A few more spanks, and Blaine's ass is a lovely shade of light pink. Kurt spanks him again and again, a little harder each time. The bounce of Blaine's ass every time Kurt spanks it is perfect. Blaine continues to moan into the bedspread. Next time, Kurt wants to use a paddle.

When Blaine's moans change from "Oh my god, this feels really good," to, "That's starting to hurt," Kurt backs off immediately.

"I want you to fuck me," Blaine breathes. 

Kurt grips his dick with one hand and places his other on Blaine's hip. He pushes in with a swift movement, and moans, resting his forehead against Blaine's back when he's all the way inside. Heat radiates off Blaine's ass. "You're gonna be sore tomorrow. You're gonna be sitting on an airplane and thinking about how I owned your ass."

"Yes. Oh, fuck yes."

Gripping Blaine's hips, knowing that it'll add to the sting from the spanking, Kurt thrusts in hard and fast. It doesn't take long for the tingling sensation in his balls to let him know that this will be over soon. 

Letting go with one hand, Kurt wraps it around Blaine's dick and strokes slowly. 

Blaine shouts, "Harder." 

Kurt pushes in as deep as he can go, stroking Blaine hard. Blaine is so close. His ass keeps clenching around Kurt's dick and intensifying the sensations. Blaine squeezes and he comes all over Kurt's hand. Kurt stokes Blaine through his orgasm, tugging every last drop out before Blaine's body relaxes. Kurt lets go and grabs both hips for leverage. He pounds into Blaine's ass. 

Blaine lets out little whimpers from the back of his throat. 

The sounds encourage Kurt on, hard and fast. He thrusts in a few more time and his orgasm radiates through him. Kurt stills, his body on fire and his dick twitching inside Blaine. The pleasure slowly fades and Kurt eventually has to pull out. He grabs a tissue and disposes of the condom before reaching for Blaine's wrists and untying them. 

"Well?" Kurt needs to know what Blaine thought. 

"You owned my ass and holy hell that was intense."

Kurt lays down and snuggles up to Blaine, pulling the covers up over them. "In a good way?" Kurt can't help but ask. 

Blaine nods against Kurt's shoulder. "Yeah. You said once in a while? I can handle that. Maybe not right before a family dinner or some big event."

Kurt swallows, his mouth suddenly dry. Blaine isn't running away screaming. He can be on board with an occasional spanking. 

"Go to sleep," Blaine says. "We can talk more in the morning."

Kurt closes his eyes. Blaine's breath huffs against his neck and he drifts off. 

Xoxoxxoox

Blaine is wrapped around him like an octopus. Their legs tangled together and Blaine's arm around Kurt's waist with a death grip, like he's afraid Kurt might have tried to sneak out in the middle of the night. 

A glance a the clock informs him that he needs to get up and get showered. Sebastian will be here in a half an hour and Kurt wants to clean up before his friend arrives.

Kurt shifts, trying to squirm out from underneath Blaine without waking him, but no such luck. 

Blaine blinks his eyes open. "Don't go," he mumbles.

"Sweetie, it's almost 9:30 and Sebastian'll be here soon. I need a shower. You can join me, but we don't have time for more sex. I'm not sitting on a plane for hours smelling like come."

"Spoilsport." Blaine rolls over and wiggles down under the covers.

"You can sleep for fifteen more minutes."

Blaine says something incoherent that vaguely sounds like "Cherry paper," and Kurt assumes he misheard.

Kurt washes off the stickiness of the night before. He doesn't pay much attention to his hair. It'll be a hot mess after flying to New York and the instant he gets home, he's falling face first on the bed, so styling it isn't happening. 

He lives in the future. Where are the teleporters? The thought of sitting in a cesspool of germs forever and and day makes him miserable. 

Kurt gets out of the shower and wipes a stripe of condensation off the mirror with his hand. He's got hickies on his neck. He presses on one and the brief bloom of pain reminds him of how good it felt when Blaine sucked the mark onto his skin.

In the main room, Blaine is still curled up under the blankets, snoring softly. Kurt shakes his shoulder. "Wake up sleeping beauty. Time to get dressed. You can even take a shower if you hurry."

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"Yeah. I think your pretty without any makeup on. Good genes must run in your family."

"Cooper is the perfect one, " Blaine sighs.

"No, he's not. Look, you know that I've watched his porn, but I'd rather be with you than be a Bondage Boy or spend a night with Cooper."

"You aren't my first boyfriend to watch his porn. One guy kept asking for a threesome when he found out."

"I can’t imagine that," Kurt says quickly. 

That's a lie. Kurt can totally and completely imagine it in exquisite detail. Except he knows Blaine would think it's gross.

"Go take a shower. You'll feel better on the plane."

Blaine gets out of bed and walks over to Kurt. They hug, Blaine's warm, naked body pressed up against Kurt's clothed one and it makes Kurt hard. Kurt playfully slaps Blaine on the ass. "Get in the shower."

Blaine yelps. "You were right. I'm going to feel this all the way home." He kisses Kurt. "Totally worth it." Blaine goes into the bathroom and starts the water.

It's been less than a minute when there’s a knock at the door. 

Kurt opens it to find a smiling Sebastian standing in the hall. "Nice hickies." 

Sebastian holds his hand up for a high-five and Kurt does it without thinking. He winces and shakes his hand in an attempt to alleviate the sting.

Sebastian's eyes go comically huge. "No. Fucking. Way." 

Kurt sighs. 

"He let you spank that perky ass of his till your hand hurt? I'd tell you to marry him, but you already did."

Kurt can hear a Blaine singing over the running water. It sounds like he's going through a medley of Katy Perry songs, mostly Teenage Dream. "Will you shut up?" Kurt hisses. He crosses his arms and glares at Sebastian. 

"What are you and sex on a stick going to do?" 

"I don't know. I mean, we've agreed to meet on the top of the Empire State building on Valentine's Day. But only if we want to try and make this relationship work.

Sebastian's eyes narrow. "Did you suggest this or did Blaine?"

"Blaine did."

"Stay married to him. You both like the same cheesy romantic movies and he's hot as fuck."

"An Affair to Remember isn't cheesy."

"Of course it's cheesy. It's a romantic comedy. All romantic comedies are cheesy."

A swirl of steam proceeds Blaine out of the bathroom. His wet hair is curling, drops of water landing on his shoulders. Finger shaped bruises peek above the edge of the towel and hickeys decorate his chest. So many hickeys. 

Sebastian starts a slow clap. "Looks like you two had fun last night." 

Blaine rifles through his bag until he finds a pair of jeans and a shirt and then heads back towards the bathroom. 

"Oh you don't have to go in there, honey," Sebastian says. "I want to see how red your ass is.

Blaine rolls his eyes. "You sound like Cooper. Why do you care if my ass is red?" 

"Because I want to make sure Kurt is getting what he wants and not just what he thinks he needs."

Blaine faces Sebastian as he quickly gets dressed, like he's waiting for a comment about his dick or his ass or something. 

"It was lovely to meet you and your brother," Sebastian says. He hugs Blaine, whispering something in his ear that Kurt can't make out. 

Blaine lets go, smiles, and says, "I will."

"Think about what you want," Blaine says. "Take a few weeks and with any luck, I'll see you on Valentine's Day."

"You're right. We do need some time to think about things." Kurt holds out a piece of paper.

"What's this?" Blaine asks.

"With all the crazy I never gave you my phone number. You're right. Depending on what happens February 14th, we may still need to get in touch so we can work out the details." Kurt says.

Hurt flashes in Blaine's eyes.

Kurt swallows his anger down. Blaine's the one who wants them to think about it for a few weeks and then do the big grand romantic gesture of meeting in an iconic location on an important date. If one or both of them decide not to go, Kurt does want to be able to move on with his life and eventually marry someone else.

"You're right. Thank you." Blaine says.

Blaine turns to Sebastian. "Thanks for helping us cover with my brother and Charlotte. I know that was kind of an awkward position to put you in."

"I let you and Cooper put me in an awkward position any time." Sebastian waggles his eyebrows.

"Valentine's Day," Kurt says. He kisses Blaine on the cheek and they all exit the hotel room with their bags. 

It feels like only a moment passes while they head downstairs, check out at the kiosk, go outside to where the shuttle is parked. 

Blaine's flight isn’t till this evening so he isn't going to the airport yet. The time to say goodbye is now.

This might be the last time Kurt ever sees Blaine. He hugs him, holding close trying to imprint the memory of how he feels, how he smells, and how he smiles on his brain.

Blaine kisses Kurt goodby, one hand on the small of Kurt’s back in one hand in his hair, holding on like he never wants to let go. 

"We have to leave, Kurt," Sebastian says. Kurt disentangles himself from Blaine and smiles, attempting to make it cheerful. 

One last squeeze of their hands and Blaine says, "I'll be thinking about you."

"I'll be thinking about you, too."

On the ride to the airport, Kurt rests his head on Sebastian’s shoulder, his left hand in his lap where he can look at the ring. He should probably take it off. Or he can explain to his boss why he's suddenly wearing a wedding ring.

He almost wishes the ring were made of metal. Then he could say it's stuck.

Kurt spends most of the trip back to New York City asleep with his head against the window and his fingers threaded through Sebastian's for comfort.

Shortly after the plane lands, Kurt turns his phone on and see seventeen text messages from his dad. It's time to face the music.

A quick text to his dad lets Burt know to expect a call in about an hour. With all the crazy going on, Kurt wants his dad. He wishes he could justify telling his dad to come visit right away so he can have a hug.

Sebastian gives great hugs and great cuddles, but it's not the same as a hug from his dad. Kurt knows he can't afford to go home right now, but he wants nothing more than to head to Ohio so he can spend a few days getting coddled by his parents.

Kurt gets three more text messages in the cab on the way home. Then he gets a phone call from a number he doesn't recognize. He lets it go to voice mail.

Arriving at home doesn't improve Kurt's mood. He knows he needs to deal with his dad and it takes him a few minutes to decide how much truth to tell. 

He presses speed dial three on his phone and takes a deep breath. Burt answers immediately.

"Kurt! What the hell happened? Are you okay? Do I need to fly out to New York and hit someone?"

"Look, I'm okay. You don't need to fly out here in a rage. I want you to stay calm, dad. Your heart."

"I don't give a good god damn about my heart. When I get a text picture from my kid getting married in a Halloween costume, of course I'm going to get upset."

"I know this was a bit of a shock –" Kurt starts to say when he gets cut off.

"I remember how excited you were when marriage equality passed, knowing you could get legally married. But that doesn't mean that you go out and marry the first yahoo you meet." There's a long pause and then Burt asks in a low voice, "Did he force you into anything?"

"No," Kurt says quickly. "Nobody forced me into anything." 

"Then what were you thinking?" Burt demands. 

I was thinking I wanted Blaine to fuck me with Cooper's dildo, Kurt thinks, while simultaneously trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for getting drunk and marrying a stranger. "I was drinking, Blaine was drinking, and his brother was drinking."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Blaine's brother, Cooper, was under the impression that the two of us were dating for a few years. We'd all been drinking and Cooper suggested that we get married right then and it seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea. So, we piled in a limo, went to the courthouse for documents, and got married." More for less.

"Do you even know this guy?" Burt asks.

"No," Kurt admits.

"Can you get it annulled?"

"I don't know. Possibly. We did...um...consummate the marriage," Kurt says, "I don't know if that makes a difference. And I'm not sure I want to. Blaine is amazing. If we weren't married, we'd be going on a date this weekend. And the one after that. And the one after that."

The pause on the other end of the line goes on and on.

"You better and tell me that he didn't force himself on you," Burt says.

"Seriously? I can't believe you said that. I fucked him, so if anyone could be accused of force, I would be me. But I had his enthusiastic consent and he had mine."

"Kurt! I don't want to know that."

"Then don't ask me questions about my sex life. I'm an adult, and I haven't been a virgin for a while. I know you wanted me to wait till I was thirty, but that ship has sailed." More than a few times, but Kurt isn't giving his dad more information than strictly necessary.

"I want to come see you. What will work with your schedule?"

Kurt longs to see his dad, but he needs to sort things out with Blaine first.

"How about the last week in February?" Kurt asks. He figures this way, either he and Blaine will be together and his dad can meet Blaine, or he and Blaine won't be together and he'll have a little time to get used to the idea.

"I'm sleeping on the couch at your place," Burt says.

"Sure dad, no problem I can't wait to see you."

"I'm going to give you a hug, kid, the moment I see you. Then I'm probably going to strangle you. I can't believe you did this. I thought you had more common sense than this."

Kurt sighs. "You raised me to be independent and think for myself, and then you get pissy when I do it."

"It doesn't sound like you were thinking."

"Doesn't matter if I was thinking," Kurt mumbles.

"Listen, kid, I'll come see you the last week in February."

"I love you, dad. Thanks for not yelling more."

"I love you, too Kurt, but don't think this gets you out of more yelling."

"I know. Let me know your flight info as soon as you get it."

Kurt disconnects the call and tosses the phone on the bed.

The green phone icon has a 1 next to it. Kurt remembers the call from an unknown number. A tap on the screen and the message begins to play. 

"Hi, Kurt! This is Cooper. Why didn't you answer? I know you're married to Blaine and all, but don't let that stop you from watching your favorite porn star, me! The new James Bondage movie comes out in about a month. I need your address so I can send it to you. I'd get it from Blaine, but he'll want to know why. If I tell him, he'll be all 'don't give my husband porn of my much hotter brother. I don't want him wishing he'd taken the offer to be a Bondage Boy.' You know how he is. Anyway call me! And if you change your mind and want to be a Bondage Boy then definitely call me! I'll get my producer to let you have creative control of the sex. Caaaaaaall meeeeee!"

Sadness washes over Kurt. That is so Cooper and he's going to miss him depending on how things go on Valentine's Day. 

Xxxxxx

The days drag by. Kurt knows he's going to see if Blaine is waiting for him. He's taking a chance. It's stupid and reckless, but he's young. When else is he going to be stupid and reckless? 

Kurt watches and rewatches videos on YouTube of Blaine and the Bachelor Party singing YMCA. He watches the wedding video until he's got it memorized. Several pictures and the cork Cooper threw at him in the limo are arranged in a small shadow box. Kurt knows he won't leave it up if he and Blaine get divorced, but it's comforting for now to see Blaine's smiling face first thing in the morning.

It's the Friday before Valentine's Day. Friday the 13th, no less. The day for bad luck and superstitions.

"Where are you going?" Sebastian asks with a sigh. He's sitting on the couch with his laptop. 

Kurt fidgets with his scarf. "I don't know what's going on happen tomorrow, so I'm going to the Empire State Building today. If I go today and leave alone, it'll make it easier to do it tomorrow when Blaine doesn't show. I cleared my schedule. No work for me till Tuesday." Besides, if Kurt stays home, he'll keep watching the videos from Vegas and panicking.

"He's going to be there," Sebastian insists. "Blaine's never going to get a hotter piece of ass than you."

"Hey! He's wouldn't just getting a piece of ass. He'd be getting me and my sparklingly personality."

"I know, princess. Cooper said he'll send me a signed copy of The Man With the Golden Dildo when it's available. He probably won't do that if you two break up. But do what you gotta do." Sebastian hugs him, holding on for a long time.

Prying himself loose takes Kurt a minute, Sebastian doesn't want to let go. 

"You sure you don't mind if I go out tonight?" Sebastian asks.

Kurt nods.

"Call me if you need me, I'll come right home."

"I'll be fine tonight. I might need you tomorrow," Kurt says.

"For a threesome?"

"No, pervert. I want a shoulder to cry on instead of drowning my sorrows."

Kurt's going to get shitface drunk if Blaine isn't there. Sebastian will stop him from doing something stupid, like throwing up on his shoes. 

Icy air greets Kurt outside. Wrapping his scarf tighter around his neck, the same one he tied Blaine up with, he heads directly to the subway, wanting to get to his destination as quickly as possible. It takes longer than he anticipates to arrive the Empire State Building. He'll need to leave a little earlier tomorrow. It would be beyond stupid to get there late and miss Blaine. Kurt pays for a ticket to the outside observation deck. 

Kurt's emotions are all over the place as he rides up. He's going to do this again tomorrow and what is he going to do if, when, Blaine doesn't show? 

The days since he returned from Vegas have been difficult. Kurt aches for Blaine. Not just sex, although he wants to have sex with Blaine. He wants to tell Blaine how his show is going and that rehearsals for the new show are amazing. He wants to show Blaine the shadow box so he'll always remember how much fun he had in Vegas despite the rushed wedding. He wants to have sex all night and wake up late the next morning and make Blaine his mom's pancakes and impress him with how light and fluffy they are. 

Kurt wants to go to go on a proper date without nosey friends and tipsy brothers. He wants Blaine. 

The outside observation deck is amazing. Kurt can see for miles from this height. He walks over to the railing and peers thought the bars, resting his forehead against them. Blaine gets one hour tomorrow. He'll set the alarm on his phone and when it goes off, he's leaving. 

Kurt pulls his phone out and sets the alarm for one pm tomorrow. He's not going to be Cary Grant and wait for hours for someone who won't show. Kurt sighs. How is he going to walk away? 

"What's a nice guy like you do doing in a place like this?" a voice asks near his ear.

Kurt jumps and his heart hammers in his chest. It can't be - it's a day early. "Blaine?"


	12. Chapter Twelve

"You're lucky there are bars here or I'd probably be falling to my death right now. Don't do that!" Kurt yells.

"I'm sorry, I saw you here and thought I was dreaming," Blaine says. "I keep thinking I'm seeing you everywhere. Then I realized that only you would have such a fashionable scarf, especially one with so much sentimental value."

"What are you doing here?" It's the thirteenth, they're supposed to meet tomorrow. Oh fuck. How did he get the date messed up? Blaine would have been here waiting today and Kurt would have been here tomorrow and they'd have missed each other and thought that the other decided not to try. If Blaine got the days mixed up, Kurt will give serious consideration to strangling him for causing all this stress.

"I asked why you're here first," Blaine says. 

The best way to get an answer as to why Blaine is on the top of the Empire State building a day early is to answer his question. "I decided to come today, hang out here for at least an hour, and then leave because I was afraid I was going to have to do it tomorrow and I needed to know I had the strength and willpower to walk away if you didn't show."

"Why did you think I wouldn't be here?" Blaine asks.

"That's just the way my life goes. An Affair to Remember is one of my favorite movies because it's so heartbreaking. I didn't want to be Cary Grant, not knowing when to give up.

"How long were you going to wait?" Blaine asks.

"I was planning on getting here at least an hour early and I have an alarm set for one o'clock tomorrow and I promised myself if you weren't here when it went off, then it was time to go home."

"Well I planned on getting here at eight when they open, just to be on the safe side. And then I was planning on staying till two in the morning. So if either of us was going to be Cary Grant, it would be me."

Blaine could definitely pull off a 50's movie star.

"You were planning on being here tomorrow at noon so you could meet me?" Blaine asks.

"Yes," Kurt says firmly. "I was still deciding if it was a good idea or not, but yes, I was going to meet you."

Blaine picks up Kurt's hand and kisses over the silicon wedding ring. "I see you still have it on."

"I haven't taken it off since you put it on my finger."

"Me, too." The smile on Blaine's face could light up the world. "We're going to stay married?"

"I don't know. Are you going be here tomorrow at noon?" Kurt asks playfully. 

"I'll meet you anywhere you want, anytime."

"Can I kiss you?" Kurt asks.

"Yes," Blaine says and then he leans forward and presses his lips to Kurt's. The kiss is amazing, their tongues twined as the they pant into each others mouths. Blaine's erection nudges against Kurt's.

"We need to get out of here," Blaine says between kisses. "I don't want to grind against you in public till we both come in our pants. Where to?"

"My place," Kurt says. "Sebastian's at a friends house and then they're headed to a club tonight. He wanted to give me some space."

"Perfect. Do you have enough food to last a little while? I have a feeling we won't be seeing the sun anytime soon."

"We can get delivery. I don't want anything to get between me and you and a bed. I've missed you so much, let's go."

They hold hands in the elevator on the way down, Kurt's thumb stroking Blaine's skin, a silent reminder that they're together. The presence of a few other people prevent them from standing as close as Kurt wants.

Blaine takes the opportunity to slide his hand down Kurt's back and grab his ass.

Kurt jumps and lets out a soft gasp. "You better watch it," he whispers. "I might change my mind about punishment spankings.

"Promises promises. I spent so much time since Vegas fantasize about you spanking me."

Kurt's brain turns mushy. Blaine fantasizes about Kurt while he masturbates. So. Very. Fucking. Hot. 

Blaine pouts. Under his breath, he says, "Please? Your ass is amazing and I want to touch."

"Oh, don't give me those puppy dog eyes, Finn tries that with me and it never works. Come on, I'll make it worth your while. I know this great Chinese place that'll deliver. And I have bagels and coffee and stuff we can make for lunch. We can hole up at least through dinner on Sunday without having to forage for food."

Blaine's eyes dilate. "Yeah, that sounds great. How far away is your place?

"Too far, but it's the closest place to go to."

An ice age passes before they get to Kurt's home.

They stumble through the door, mouths attached and hands groping. How they manage not to fall over and hurt themselves is a mystery.

Blaine pushes Kurt up against a wall. Kurt normally doesn't like being manhandled. After being bullied in high school, he is very particular about those sorts of things. When Blaine does it, it's sexy.

"I've been jerking off about this for weeks," Blaine says.

"What? You pushing me up against the wall and grinding until we both come in our pants because we're so desperate for each other that we can't even wait to take our clothes off?"

That sounds kind of gross, but Kurt doesn't care. "Do it," Kurt says. "Do it because if we don't, then our first go around, the sex is going to be over too quickly. I've been dreaming about you all week and what we'd do if we both showed."

Blaine shifts forward, grinding his erection against Kurt. "And what were you dreaming about us doing?" 

It's completely unfair that Blaine speaks so clearly while doing that. 

Kurt sighs into Blaine's mouth. "Mostly that you would be there, we'd come running towards each other in slow motion, like in a movie, and stay in bed all weekend. Maybe get out some restraints and the paddle."

"You have a paddle for spanking?"

"What else would I use it for?"

The need for talking dissipates. Kurt kisses Blaine, sliding his tongue past lips that part with a soft gasp. Kurt sinks into the sensation, grinding against Blaine, knowing that after they get the first orgasms taken care of, they have all the time in the world. 

In their desperate frenzy, it doesn't take long. Blaine comes first, squeezing Kurt tightly. The thrusting of Blaine's hips pushes Kurt over the edge. Kurt strokes his fingers through sweaty curls, enjoying the way Blaine leans into the touch.

"Shower," Kurt says when he's calm enough to think rationally. "We need to get in the shower and make sure everything is clean."

One more lingering kiss and Blaine smiles. "As you wish."

Kurt drops his jacket and scarf on the floor of his bedroom before dragging Blaine into the bathroom. He starts the water and they both step into the shower. It's amazing to be able to touch Blaine. With warm, naked skin available to his questing fingers, Kurt can't help but get distracted.

The kissing is less frantic now. It's slow and sweet and everything Kurt has been missing these last few weeks.

"I want you clean and naked in my bed," Kurt says. "So you better wash *all* the stuff."

Blaine laughs and the sound echoes slightly off the tiles. "Maybe you better wash me, just to make sure I meet your exacting standards for cleanliness."

Kurt rushes through soaping Blaine's body and having Blaine wash him. They hurry to Kurt's bedroom, not even bothering to pick the clothes up off the bathroom floor. Under the covers, everything is warm and cozy, Blaine's leg is up over Kurt's. Every kiss is more perfect than the last. 

"I missed you," Kurt says. 

"Oh god, I missed you too. I know it's reckless and crazy, and I barely know you. But I want to spend the rest of my life with you, getting to know you, and making you happy."

"Me, too. I don't know how much stuff you have, but we can make it work."

"The only thing I really need to bring with me is Kitty Purry. Well, and my clothes. And my guitar. I don't have any furniture that I feel attached to. I do have some books."

"Tell me about it later," Kurt murmurs and rolls on top of Blaine. The kisses slowly intensify. He can't believe he's getting hard already.

Blaine wraps his legs around Kurt's waist, holding him close. "I dreamed about you so many times. A dildo doesn't feel nearly as good as your dick."

A chuckle escapes Kurt. "You're ridiculous." Kurt slicks up two fingers and slides them into Blaine's ass. Even though they both just had orgasms, Kurt suspects that the next round is still going to be pretty quick. "I dreamed about using the scarf and tying you to the bed. I'd tease you for hours, make you beg, maybe fuck your mouth."

"Please," Blaine begs. "Anything."

Kurt leans over and pulls the scarf off the floor. He slowly wraps one end around Blaine's wrist and secures it to the bed. A moment later, the other wrist is tied to the headboard next to the first. 

Blaine tugs a few times. The knots hold.

"I can do anything I want to you," Kurt says, letting the playful threat hang in the air. 

Pound! Pound! Pound! "Kurt! Open this goddamn door," Sebastian yells.

"I thought you said Sebastian went out tonight," Blaine whispers.

"That's what he told me." Kurt turns and faces the door. "Fuck you very much for interrupting, Sebastian. Go away!"

"You're supposed to be meeting Blaine tomorrow. You know, your husband. The guy you've been talking about for weeks." Pound! Pound! "You know I don't give a shit about marriage, but you do. Tell your fuck-buddy to get his clothes and get his ass out of here."

Kurt thinks quickly. "I'm not going to the Empire State Building tomorrow. I changed my mind."

"What?" Blaine pouts.

"Now why would I go anywhere else?" Kurt says quietly. "I've got you right here, and I'm not letting you." 

Pound! Pound! Pound!

"Listen up, Princess! I've been texting Cooper and Blaine has some big thing planned for tomorrow."

"I'll get rid of him," Kurt says. "If I don't talk to him face-to-face, he's never going to leave us alone." He slides his robe on and tosses the blanket over Blaine's lap. Kurt twists the lock, unlocking the door, and opens it a few inches, bracing for a tirade.

"I'm two seconds away from getting my dick sucked," Kurt says, "and your cock blocking me. You know the rules, no interrupting when there's a guest."

Blaine starts to say something, but Sebastian cuts him off. "Not a word out of you. Mommy and daddy are talking, so shut the fuck up and butt the fuck out."

"Don't talk to him like that," Kurt says.

"Listen, I know you have the messed up idea that there's the slightest possibility that Blaine isn't going to be meet you tomorrow. But he is. I talked to Cooper."

There is a soft gasp behind him, but Kurt ignores it. "I told you, I'm not going tomorrow." Kurt does his best to keep the corners of his mouth from twitching.

"But you have to," Sebastian wines.

"Blaine's not going to be there."

"Yes he is," Sebastian insists. "I'll bet you." 

"Okay," Kurt says. "One month of cleaning. Loser has to do the kitchen for one month."

"Done," Sebastian says holding out his hand. 

Kurt shakes it, then he turns his head to talk over his shoulder. "Hey, Blaine. Are you going to be at the Empire State Building tomorrow?"

"No," Blaine says, "I definitely was going to meet you. But we're both here and we're already naked so it seems kind of pointless."

Sebastian gasps. "You motherfuckers."

"As you can see Blaine's a little tied up right now." Kurt opens the door and Blaine waves as much as he can with his wrists tied to the headboard, the light glinting off the pink wedding ring.

"Alrighty," Sebastian says. "I can see you have this under control. I'm going to stay somewhere else tonight. Text me when it's safe to come home."

"Don't be a baby. Go in your room and put on headphones. That's what I do when you and your hookups get too loud."

"But you don't have to live with it," Sebastian wines.

"Tough shit," Kurt says. "What happened to 'get with Blaine so I can have signed copies of James Bondage movies.' That was a few hours ago, don't tell me you've forgotten already." 

Sebastian brightens. "I'll call Cooper right now and stand outside your door so he can hear you fucking."

"You may not realize this, but it won't bother Cooper or embarrass me. Kurt can yell that my dick is bigger than Cooper's and I'm better than he could ever be. Then he'll hang up on you."

"Kurt," Sebastian says, his eyebrows raised. 

"I can't confirm that," Kurt says smugly. 

"You son of a bitch!"

"Do not insult my mom, asshole." 

"Hey," Blaine says. "I'd get up and separate you two, but I can't."

"Go away, Sebastian." Kurt slams the door in his face and locks it.

"What was that about?" 

"When I say I can't confirm something, then I'm saying its true, but I'm not *saying* it's true."

"My dick is bigger than my brother's?" Blaine sounds confused. "I'm pretty sure it's not."

"Right, except now Sebastian thinks it's true and he's all jealous and he'll probably mention it to Cooper."

"That's brilliant. You're a genius."

"Of course I'm smart, you wanted to marry me."

"The mood has kinda died." Blaine pulls on the restraints. "Untie me?"

"Or I can get you back in the mood in about two minutes." Kurt pulls the blanket out of the way. Blaine's erection has deflated. Kurt wraps his hand around it and begins stroking. "Should I untie you?"

Blaine shakes his head no. It doesn't take long for Blaine to moan and beg for Kurt to get on with it. "Whatever you're planning, I want you to do it."

XOXOXOXO 

When they finally stumble out of Kurt's room fifty minutes later, Kurt's in sweats and an old T-shirt and Blaine's in some of Kurt's flannel pajama pants that are a smidge too long. Kurt thinks it's adorable how they drag on the ground behind him.

Sebastian looks up from the couch where he's sitting with headphones on and his laptop open. "Thank fuck. I thought I was going to have to send a team of St. Bernard's in there with alcohol to see if you guys needed reviving."

"Kurt's too hot to freeze to death," Blaine says.

Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine's chest from behind. "And that's why I decided to keep you."

"I've been IMing Cooper. We had a delightfully interesting conversation."

Blaine swallows. "You didn't tell him that we met in Las Vegas, did you?" he asks hesitantly.

The disgusted noise that comes out of Sebastian's mouth is almost funny. "I'm not a bag of dicks. I'm still pissed about the bet Kurt made with me and either way, I'm not cleaning the kitchen for a month. I love and adore Kurt even if I don't want to fuck him and now I love and adore you because you're Kurt's husband. I would not fuck with either of you like that. I reserve the right to get even with some sort of a prank."

"So what does Cooper want?" Blaine asks.

"He wants to send me a complete set of the James bondage movies in exchange for me trying to talk Kurt into being a Bondage Boy."

With an exasperated sigh, Kurt pinches the bridge of his nose. "Blaine, what do I have to say to your brother to convince him that I'm not going to star opposite him?"

"I don't know. Cooper can be very persuasive and he's used to getting what he wants. Good luck with that. He views it as just sex and its working, so it doesn't count."

"Really?" Sebastian says excitedly. "Starring in a porn movie doesn't count as cheating. How did I not know this?" 

"It's cheating if your partner thinks it's cheating," Kurt says.

"Are you two staying together?" Sebastian asks.

Blaine nods. "We're going to my place to pack my stuff and to get the cat."

"Kurt's letting you bring a cat over here?" Sebastian asks.

"Yeah, why?" Blaine asks.

"He's not a pet person. You have to feed them and they get hair everywhere."

Kurt glares at Sebastian. Wanting a clean home doesn't make him not a pet person.

"And what is the little furball's name?" Sebastian asks.

"Kitty Purry."

Sebastian doubles over with laughter. Kurt wants to kick him in the face. 

"Your cat is named Kitty Purry? No way," he gasps.

"Why?" Blaine asks.

"If Kurt ever gets a dog, he's going to name her Lady."

"Like Lady and the Tramp," Blaine says. "That's cute for a dog."

"No like Lady Gaga."

"That does it. You really are going to clean the kitchen for a month," Kurt yells.

"Totally worth it." Sebastian yells back.

Kurt's not going to actually kick Sebastian and Sebastian knows it. He still places his foot on the couch next to his idiot friend just to remind Sebastian that he could.

Blaine's jaw drops. "I know we came out here because we need some food or something, but now I'm thinking we should forget about it and go back to your room."

"We just had sex three times, I think my dick needs a little while to recover," Kurt says.

"What was the plan for Valentines Day," Sebastian asks. "I assume it got fracked."

"The plan was to meet Kurt with a dozen red roses and take him to karaoke and sing Silly Love Songs to him."

"You were going to sing it because you love me?" Kurt isn't sure he wants to know the answer, but he can't stop his mouth from forming the words.

"Yeah, I think I do. I've never been in love before, but I've never felt like this, either."

"I think I love you, too," Kurt says. He's not one hundred percent sure, but it's the best and most honest answer he can give. 

"If you two start singing Hey, I Think I Love You, I'm going to light something on fire. Don't even try me." Sebastian says. 

There's only one thing to do. Kurt loves Sebastian, but he should know better than to discourage sharing feelings through songs. Kurt turns to Blaine, takes both his hands and start singing.

Hey, I think I love you so what am I so afraid of

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for

I think I love you isn't that what life is made of

Though it worries me to say I never felt this way

Sebastian makes fake retching noises, probably to get Kurt to stop. All it does is encourage Kurt to sing louder and for Blaine to join in.

Believe me you really don't have to worry

I only wanna make you happy and if you say "hey go away" I will

But I think better still I'd better stay around and love you

Do you think I have a case let me ask you to your face

Do you think you love me?

"I'd love for you to stop singing," Sebastian says.

Blaine's voice blends perfectly with Kurt's. 

I think I love you

Do you think you love me? 

I think I'm love you

 

THE END!

 

***  
What Happens in Vegas was my 2016 Nanowrimo project. When I got to the end of the story, I was less than three thousand words short of the 50k goal, so I wrote some bonus porn and it's pretty much PWP Kurt watching a James Bondage movie - with lots of spankings - and masturbating.  
***

 

Kurt sends his husband a text.

From Kurt – when will you be home?

It only takes a few minutes to get a reply. 

From Blaine - Probably not till seven. Still waiting for Annie to show, so we might have to stay late. 

A smile slowly spreads across Kurt's face.

He loves being married and he loves being married to Blaine. It took a while into there sudden marriage for them both to say it. A part of Kurt still feels like this a mistake that will blow up in his face any day now. The voice that says it is less often and quieter. One day, it will stop completely or at least become so infrequent that it may as well have stopped. 

Sebastian walks around their place, smirking like a meerkat about all the sex, and generally getting along with Kurt's husband. Kurt and Blaine got into it at one point. After about an hour, Sebastian interrupted to say, "Kurt, I love you, and I'll back you no matter what. But if you don't stop being so unreasonable with Blaine, I'll kick your ass."

Kurt apologized, Blaine apologized, and the make up sex was spectacular. 

Cooper calls Sebastian all the time. Apparently, they are now besties. It's been almost a month since Cooper sent Sebastian a copy of his latest movie. 

Kurt doesn't want to have sex with Cooper. And not just because it would upset Blaine. Kurt gets it because he would blow a gasket if Blaine wanted to sleep with Finn.

But that doesn't stop Kurt from wanting to see the movie. It's not like he has to masturbate when he watches it. He can just watch it and keep his pants on.

It's self justifying crap. If he watches one of Cooper's movies, at the bare minimum, he's going to unzip and stick his hand down his pants. He's more likely to scoot his pants down his hips so that he can reach his dick without clothes in the way. If he's really enjoying himself, he'll get out the dildo award wedding present and fuck himself with it.

He knows he's going to use the dildo award. Kurt isn't even sure why he's trying to pretend that he won't. Lying to other people is occasionally an important life skill to have. Lying to yourself get real dumb real quick. He needs to be honest with himself.

Kurt's going to watch the James bondage movie while he fucks himself with the dildo that started it all.

Sebastian is spending a few days with his sister. Blaine is finishing up a group project for school and won't be home till much later. That means Kurt has at least three hours before he has to worry about the his husband coming home.

Kurt sneaks into Sebastian's room, which is stupid because he's home alone. Regardless, he feels the need to be stealthy.

Cooper's movies are lined up in chronological order on one side of Sebastian's bookshelf. Next to his Harry Potter books. 

So wrong. You don't put your porn movies next to your childhood favorite book series. Kurt is briefly tempted to rearrange Sebastian's bookshelves. If he does, Sebastian will immediately know why Kurt was in his room. Sebastian's super power of knowing when people are having sex, even if it's just with themselves, still works with unfailing accuracy.

The DVD case slides easily off the shelf. Kurt glances at the cover. James Bondage stars in The Man with the Golden Dildo

What? Would you even want to use gold for a dildo? What kind of metals would you mix it with for strength? Kurt loves his stainless steel wand. That thing gets the job done. So what if stainless steel doesn't sound sexy?

Kurt shakes his head. he needs to focus, not worry about how body safe toys in porn are. 

He takes the movie into his bedroom. Kurt wants to enjoy this. But living with Blaine and his gay heterosexual life partner, he doesn't have a lot of time alone at home. Usually, it's great. The sex has tapered off a little, they couldn't keep up with that level of intensity indefinitely. But it's still amazing and they've tried a few things that were new for both of them. 

Once in a while, he just wants to masturbate. Wants to selfishly only worry about himself. Fine, he really wants to watch Cooper's movie. His first porn movie ever was Double Oh! Sexy. It's off the hook ridiculous how Cooper keeps saying that he's Double Oh! Sexy and has a license to fuck. 

As in most porn, it's thin on plot. James is investigating something or other at a (very fake) yacht club and it mostly consists of Cooper getting tied up and fucked on a boat when he's trying to conduct his investigation. It's dub-con and Kurt's not a big fan of that. Only the fact that he can tell James is enjoying it makes it okay. James keeps begging to get pounded harder. And when he gets face fucked, he manages to get one hand out of the restraint. Instead of punching the guy in the face or trying to escape, he jerks off and then wiggles his hand back in the cuff before the guy realizes it. He does it again a few minutes later when yet another guy comes in to "interrogate him."

The number of times he's jerked off to that is embarrassing. When Sebastian found out, Kurt was horrified and Sebastian responded with, "Watching porn is perfectly normal. Especially James Bondage, because he's hot."

Kurt lights a Sandalwood candle, letting the scent waft around the room. The bed covers are pulled back, the lube is on the night stand, and the glass dildo award sits in a bowl of warm water. Kurt sets the laptop up so that he can lay propped up on a pile of pillows and still see the screen. 

Getting settled on the bed only takes a moment. Kurt picks up the dildo and adds a generous amount of lube on the warm surface. He strokes it a few times, getting it nice and slick. He spreads his legs wide open. 

He purposefully hasn't stretched himself, he wants the dildo to do that. This is it. Kurt clicks on the play button and the movie starts. 

As with all James Bondage movies, the opening credits are set to music similar to that of actual James Bond. Silhouettes of muscular naked boys fuck and get fucked as the opening credits play. It even has the target of a gun pointing at James, who fires his "gun" which has a dildo instead of barrel and squirts creamy liquid at the screen. 

In high school, Kurt didn't always make it much past the credits before he came all over his hand and needed tissues. This, he wants to draw out. The head of the dildo teases his hole, stroking along the muscle and making him clench in anticipation. 

The movie starts with James at MI 69 receiving a golden vibrating bullet with 007 etched on it. They guess that it must from Francisco - the man with the golden dildo who wants to take over the world's power sources so people can't charge their vibrators. 

Kurt frowns. That doesn't make any sense. It's been a while since he saw a James Bond movie, but he's pretty sure those didn't make a lot of sense and were mostly for Sean Connery and Roger Moore to run around being sexy badasses while banging a bunch of girls. 

James immediately goes to a test room where he gets strapped spread eagle to a table. A very attractive guy sticks the bullet in Cooper's ass and has XXX's team try several settings to determine how strong it is. 

Kurt pushes, relaxing his muscles to ease the dildo in. It's been months since he's used the dildo and the resistance of his body brings an edge of pain. His dick throbs, milky precome dripping down the shaft. 

He pushes harder, the head of dildo finally popping inside. Kurt enjoys the stretch and how unforgivingly hard it is. Tiny thrusting movements allow it a little deeper.

Cooper is sweaty and moaning, his hips twitching as the buzzing gets louder. He orgasms three times before the finish, sticky stripes of come decorating his chest. As best Kurt can tell, it really was done as a single shot. His dick twitches in sympathy for Cooper's poor abused prostate even as Kurt wants to press against his own until he comes. 

Kurt pants, pulling the dildo most of the way out so he won't come yet. There's still more movie. 

On the screen, Cooper goes to some foreign country that looks exactly like every other foreign country James Bondage has been to, with a change of the language on the signs. The one outside the club clearly says "Bottoms Up" in English. The background music has a vaguely middle eastern sound. 

Kurt pushes slow and steady until the base of the dildo rests flush against his ass. He lets out a sigh he didn't realize he'd been holding. For a second there, the possibility that it wouldn't fit occurred to him.

Inside the club, all the waiters have on open vests and harem pants that aren't actually pants, they stop mid-thigh, held on with elastic. A few have distinct pink hand prints on their ass cheeks. As they serve drinks, patrons stroke them, keeping them hard and desperate. One guy in the background leans forward in his chair, deepthroating the waiter's monster cock. 

Kurt licks his lips. That dick would never fit so far into his mouth and he loves Blaine's dick. He still wishes his could play with that one for ten minutes, even two.

Placing his feet flat on the bed, Kurt begins to thrust the dildo in and out, clenching around the toy every time it's in as far as it will go. 

"Hurts so good," Kurt murmurs.

A gorgeous guy dances by in a belly dancer costume, similar to the waiters, with a jewel attached to his navel. The dancer has a fantastic ass, which Cooper decides to take advantage of. He crooks his finger at the guy in a "come here" motion. 

The dancer moves gracefully in time to the music over to Cooper. He straddles Cooper's lap backwards, his arms in the air, doing body rolls that don't quite touch Cooper. He's so close, the only thing keeping that delectable ass from Cooper's straining erection is the thin pants covering it. 

"I want to fuck you," Cooper says, unzipping his pants and pulling out his leaking erection. He strokes it a few time, drops of liquid forming at the tip. The dancer wiggles down, Cooper guiding his dick towards the waiting hole. He pushes in in one swift movement, Cooper groaning and bighting his bottom lip. 

Kurt pushes the dildo in time to Cooper's thrusts, panting with the dancer. 

Cooper must have lost patience with not being able to properly thrust while sitting in a chair. He pushes the dancer off his dick and forward onto the table, a martini glass falling over and spilling pale liquid across the table. 

Cooper spanks the dancer a few times and the camera is angled so you see the wince of pain on the dancer's face counterpointed by Cooper's blissful expression. 

A few more spanks and the dancers ass is a lovely shade of pink.

Kurt knows it would be warm to the touch. 

Cooper keeps going, the dancers ass turning steadily redder with each hit, the faint blue of a bruise barley visible. 

"Fuck that has to hurt." Kurt's never spanked someone to bruises. It's one of those fine for fantasy things. Except now all he can think about is how Blaine's ass would feel if he got fucked after getting bruises. 

Tears form in the dancer's eyes. 

That shouldn't be sexy, seeing so much pain. Kurt is certain that the tears aren't fake, that it really hurts. He squirms, thrusting the dildo faster. His ass is going to be so sore tomorrow. Not nearly as sore as the dancer's.

Cooper keeps a steady rhythm of spanking, stopping only when the bloom of bruising begins to darken. 

"Oh my god," Kurt breathes. 

Cooper grabs the guy's hips, barely pausing to line his dick up, and thrusts in. The dancer cries out in pain with each thrust, tears leaking down his cheeks. It doesn't deter Cooper. If anything, he goes harder and faster, his thumbs digging into the bruised flesh. 

The dancer whines in the back of his throat. 

Kurt clenches every time he does. He's getting close, the orgasm building. He wants to come with Cooper as he pounds that beautiful ass. 

The dancer reaches for his dick. Cooper grabs his hands and pulls them behind his back, one hand holding them in place. The other hand spanks down hard, the sound echoing in the club over the music. The dancer wails and Cooper spanks him again. "Naughty boy. You don't touch unless I say so."

Fluid drips down Kurt's dick in steady spurts. He's so close. Cooper better come soon, Kurt's not sure how much long her can hold out. 

"What are you doing?"

Kurt's head whips up. His fingers fall from the dildo as he stairs at Blaine. 

"I...uh," what do you say when your husband catches you watching his porn star brother spank a perfect ass to bruising? His mind briefly flits to the explanation Dr. Frank-N-Furter uses in Rocky Horror Picture Show - wait, I can explain. 

"I came home early to surprise you. It clearly worked. You look surprised."

"I decided to have a little quality alone time." Kurt sounds ridiculous. 

Cooper comes on the screen with a theatrically long orgasm, the dancer crying out again and again in pain and all Kurt can think is what did he miss?

"While watching porn," Kurt adds unnecessarily. 

"I don't care if you watch porn. We can watch together."

Kurt closes the laptop, the sound cutting off. "No, that's okay, we don't have to."

Blaine leans down and sucks Kurt into his mouth, deepthroating him with ease. 

It does take much, two or three sucks and Kurt is coming hard and fast as Blaine swallows his through his orgasm. His body clamps around the glass, pushing it against his prostate and intensifying everything. 

When it gets to be too much, Kurt reaches up to thread his fingers through Blaine's hair so he can pull him off his oversensitive dick.

"My turn." Blaine yanks off his shirt and pants, tossing them on the floor. He climbs up on the bed, straddles Kurt's chest, and pauses, his dick an inch from Kurt's mouth. Blaine strokes Kurt's hair. "I get home and you have the dildo all the way in your ass. I though I would come right then and there. Can I fuck your mouth?"

Kurt nods, opening his mouth wide.

Blaine thrusts in slow and steady. "So sexy with the dildo in your ass."

Kurt can't do anything but take it, his mouth wide and his throat relaxed as Blaine thrusts in over and over. He swallows each time Blaine is in as far as he can go. Blaine has one hand on the wall for support and one in Kurt's hair as he fucks into Kurt's throat. 

It goes on and on, thrust after thrust. "Love your mouth."

Kurt hums in agreement and Blaine's dick twitches, nudging deeper. Bitter come hits the back of his throat. Blaine stills and Kurt keeps swallowing until Blaine pulls out and flops on the bed with a smile. "So, surprise."

"Definitely a surprise," Kurt agrees.

"What were you watching?"

With a sigh, Kurt says, "The Man with the Golden Dildo."

Blaine bursts out laughing. "That's the worst name for a porno ever. How bad is it?"

"Pretty bad. I didn't get to see the end, though."

"One of my brother's?" 

"Yeah. Look, I watched his stuff before we got together and Sebastian got this almost a month ago and I was curious...." Why isn't Blaine yelling?

"You should finish watching the movie this weekend, especially if Sebastian is home."

Kurt blinks. "You want Sebastian to watch me masturbate? I know Sebastian act like a married couple, but we don't do that." 

"What?" Blaine yelps. "No, I just think you could mention that you watched the movie on Saturday or Sunday and leave out the bit about watching it today."

"Okaaaaaay. Why? I mean, I'm glad you're not angry, but why?"

Blaine twists his hands together. "Sebastian may have bet me a month of kitchen duty that it would take less than a month for you to give into the temptation to watch Cooper's movie. I bet it would be longer."

"You sneaky little Slythern." Kurt kind of wants to be indignant that his husband and his best friend are betting on his lack of self control, but it would be stupid to turn down a get out of jail free card.

"Right," Blaine says, "but I'm not really angry that you were fucking yourself with my brother's porn award while you watched him have sex. And we both had awesome orgasms so...help a guy out?"

"Of course. Anything for you, love. And I'm also wondering how the movie ends."

Blaine rolls his eyes. "You watch porn for the plot?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"No," Blaine says immediately. "Anyway, I'm thinking that if I do some errands on Saturday, I can come home about two and catch you. Then I can loudly comment about how you're watching my brother while you masturbate. Then we can have celebratory 'no dishes for a month' sex."

"Sounds reasonable. You win."

XOXOXOXO

Saturday afternoon Kurt gets settled. He decides to forgot the dildo or using lube. Sebastian doesn't need to see Kurt with his legs spread and the dildo in his ass. Besides, Kurt's not got to actually masturbate, just pretend to. 

Kurt watches a grand total of two second of the movie when Sebastian comes in the room without knocking. 

"Jesus, are you watching this again? I thought you and sex on a stick were, like, fucking twenty seven times a day or some shit like that?" Sebastian sits on the bed next to Kurt. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kurt says indignantly, "l haven't seen this before."

"Uh huh. So, you didn't sneak into my room a few days ago and borrow the movie?" 

"No?" Kurt hates that he answer sounds like a question.

"You suck at lying," Sebastian says. "Whatever."

"Fine." Kurt crosses his arms. "Why didn't you tell Blaine he lost his bet a few days ago?"

"Because the point of the bet was to get you to watch Cooper's porn with Blaine's okay," Sebastian says.

"What?"

Sebastian pats Kurt on the arm. "Blaine's happy he won the bet. You're happy you finally get to watch the movie without Blaine getting too weird about it. I get out of dish duty for a month because you don't want me telling Blaine how I manipulated the situation, so you're taking care of the kitchen for me. Think of it as me getting back at you for trying to make me do a month of dishes when you bet me Blaine wouldn't be on the top of the Empire State Building to meet you." 

Kurt laughs, because he's been out maneuvered. "Okay, Sebastian. You win."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and if you've got a moment - comments and kudos is <3


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